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scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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la_fenkis
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06 Nov 2019, 8:19 am

auntblabby wrote:
^^man, that's heavy :pale: in my experience it is best not to allow oneself to dwell on such thoughts.


If I could I'd get so f**cking high right now and feel nothing. But I already know that when I'd come down I'd wonder again. Maybe I an intermittent the thing. Dose on, handle, dose off, despair, repeat until stability is reached.



auntblabby
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06 Nov 2019, 8:21 am

^^^only you can know what helps you. sounds like the self-medication routine you described has worked for you, after a fashion.



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06 Nov 2019, 12:31 pm

la_fenkis wrote:
0

Was going to say something personally meaningful here but I don't think anyone's listening. It's also the reason I don't see a therapist, or trust doctors or cops in general. Most of the time I think my words float into the void unheard, or totally misunderstood, which is worse and lead to conflicts that never should have existed.

It's the misunderstandings that prevent me from even approaching therapists, doctors, or cops. Initial impressions that are so biased that they prevent one from seeing a person, perhaps in a "reasonable" course of reactions to the lingering uncertainties about them, create subsequent harm for them individually, subsequent trauma, further alienation from systems supposedly designed to help.

I respect that my misgivings make all of my judgments go both ways, but I know from experience that I'm an OK person that means no harm or unearned contempt towards anyone.

If they have a problem with being able to ascertain/measure/determine that about me then I reflectively have the same problem with every single other person on the planet singe I was 6 years old.

Whatever the established ways of things have been able to try to measure my worth by, I've been terrified since an early age about what they'd do to me if I was judged inadequate.

Maybe that was personally meaningful.


YES


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06 Nov 2019, 12:34 pm

la_fenkis wrote:
?

Death is scary. I already feel responsible for my high-school girlfriend, but now, with my mom having a heart attack two days before my birthday I'm beginning to wonder if I had something to do with that death too. I stopped talking to her earlier this year and blocked her number. Did she try to contact me and the inability to do so killed her? Did I do this? Did I kill another person? Maybe that's what I do, I kill the people I love. Maybe that's why nobody gets close to me, they can feel it. I don't know what to feel.


Know its hard , but me thinks .......
Dont go there !


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kraftiekortie
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06 Nov 2019, 12:38 pm

What made you cut off contact with her?

Was she being abusive to you?

I'm sorry that this had to happen.

It's very likely that it's not your fault.

I had a sort of similar thing happen to me. I had an ex who, for years, made threats via phone to me. One day, she called me up in tears, threatening suicide (like she always did). I just ignored her, because I thought she was merely trying to call attention to herself. She had done that many times before.

Two weeks after that call, I got a letter from her mother saying that she fatally overdosed on pills. In a way, I blamed myself for her suicide because I ignored her.



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06 Nov 2019, 12:59 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
What made you cut off contact with her?

Was she being abusive to you?

I'm sorry that this had to happen.

It's very likely that it's not your fault.

I had a sort of similar thing happen to me. I had an ex who, for years, made threats via phone to me. One day, she called me up in tears, threatening suicide (like she always did). I just ignored her, because I thought she was merely trying to call attention to herself. She had done that many times before.

Two weeks after that call, I got a letter from her mother saying that she fatally overdosed on pills. In a way, I blamed myself for her suicide because I ignored her.


Sorry to hear of this , lately mostly am realizing am doing the best i can to just
Care for myself. Lucky to do that. Does not mean am lacking compassion for others please !


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kraftiekortie
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06 Nov 2019, 1:36 pm

Of course you have compassion. It’s obvious.



la_fenkis
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06 Nov 2019, 3:33 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
What made you cut off contact with her?

Was she being abusive to you?

I'm sorry that this had to happen.

It's very likely that it's not your fault.

I had a sort of similar thing happen to me. I had an ex who, for years, made threats via phone to me. One day, she called me up in tears, threatening suicide (like she always did). I just ignored her, because I thought she was merely trying to call attention to herself. She had done that many times before.

Two weeks after that call, I got a letter from her mother saying that she fatally overdosed on pills. In a way, I blamed myself for her suicide because I ignored her.


It doesn't matter what she did. It seems petty now. It's like what happened with the HS girlfriend. Had a fight, cut off contact, and then she killed herself because I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

It's not what happened with my mom, surely. But maybe similar.



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06 Nov 2019, 5:20 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Of course you have compassion. It’s obvious.


Thank you very much .... !


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06 Nov 2019, 6:22 pm

-6, depression's pretty bad today and I still haven't received an application from the program I'm looking into (went to an informational meeting for it and filled out a questionnaire two weeks ago, now I need to wait to see if they will send me an application or not).


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kraftiekortie
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06 Nov 2019, 6:27 pm

Maybe you can call them?



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06 Nov 2019, 8:51 pm

la_fenkis wrote:
?

Death is scary. I already feel responsible for my high-school girlfriend, but now, with my mom having a heart attack two days before my birthday I'm beginning to wonder if I had something to do with that death too. I stopped talking to her earlier this year and blocked her number. Did she try to contact me and the inability to do so killed her? Did I do this? Did I kill another person? Maybe that's what I do, I kill the people I love. Maybe that's why nobody gets close to me, they can feel it. I don't know what to feel.



Edit. Sorry to hear.


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Last edited by Mountain Goat on 06 Nov 2019, 9:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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06 Nov 2019, 9:02 pm

I know you don't know----but his mother passed away.

Please don't feel bad.



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06 Nov 2019, 9:38 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I know you don't know----but his mother passed away.

Please don't feel bad.


Ok. Didn't pick up on that. :( If only I knew what to say.


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06 Nov 2019, 9:48 pm

Nobody really knows what to say in these situations. Don't beat yourself up.



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06 Nov 2019, 10:52 pm

SIGHES...for all of you .... am not a stranger to death myself , hard enough just coping .
Un
Untimely death can be mind numbing................. most often is .


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