scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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When most people here talks about being an island and lacking connection...
I'd say, open your heart -- it won't be easy -- opening your minds, studying them, making them like you, giving them a logical answer of acceptance isn't enough though. Might as well be near them only to put up with them, but no connection still no matter the company.


While I'm in a very crowded realm full of intrusive people, tangled in a knot of connections and worrywarts holding behind my back. I want my space. I wanna be alone. I wanna leave. I want out. Yet they refuse.
And so I must open my heart -- and it is not easy -- opening my mind to them just tolerate them better or worse feeling guilty for wanting to leave AND having to put up with them instead of being grateful.


When one opens their heart enough... It's just whether it's pealing layers, quieting noises, bringing things into the light...
One would realize everyone is connected. Open it wider, one may realize everyone's the same. On an even wider angle, one realizes we are all a part of one another and we are all one that everyone is your mirror.

Closing one's heart from it... Won't perceive these things well.


My heart might be closed again. I don't know when it will or if it'll open again.
But it won't be truly the same.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

-20

I hate not even being good enough for loser women

2... there's a slight ache in my tooth again, though I think it's a different one this time... makes me wonder if they've worked on the wrong one or if I had trouble in two from the beginning (the teeth are right next to each other.) Plus, I've been feeling really tired lately despite getting what should be enough sleep and eating properly. Maybe I'm anemic again... I could start iron tablets again, but I don't like them so I suppose it'd be better to go for a blood test to confirm it first. Plus, the test might reveal some other problems if there are any. But I hate needels, too...

-10

Might have to undergo ECT or TMS.

0, so neutral. Probably would be lower on the old emo Dill scale, but he was a princess of the highest order

The past few years have been...lively, and some highlights:

-bitten by the same Eastern brown snake twice the other year. Probably should have died from 1 of the bites due to the severity of envenomation and delay in treatment. Only lasting effect is some ptosis in my left eye. especially when I'm not paying attention

-accidentally stabbed my hand very recently and somehow managed to hit one small specific location that took out an important motor and sensory nerve branch to it, so I basically crippled my hand. Heh. Doctors are going all headless chicken mode and want instant microsurgery to perhaps return some motor strength from such (sensory won't be coming back no matter what, so yay for biological Novocaine), but eh, that's just too much of a bother for just me to organize and go through with on my own. Besides, it's only a hand, and a drop in the disability bucket compared to the other problems I live with; if I had a job requiring 2 functional hands or it was life threatening, then sure (I did get the snake stuff treated after all). The chronic nerve pain from the severed sensory nerve is bearable.

-personal stuff that's just as bothersome, or perhaps worst due to being emotional

Life is humorous

^^^Dill, you've been in the wars lately! Snakes ... I immediately thought of Australia, as my sis has had quite a few in and around her home lately in Qld... You're lucky to still be here! As for your hand! Ouch!

6 due to feeling feverish, sore throat, for the past couple of days. Looking forward to travelling tomorrow though, and working away for the week. Exciting new territory ...

Edit: -5

Everything feels pointless and empty. I feel empty.

I don't really know... I didn't sleep well, and felt rather dizzy this morning to early afternoon. Ended up going back to bed for about an hour or so after washing my teeth and such, which I never do. If I get up, I stay up. Still, I had to go grocery shopping today so I did, though I didn't even have the guts to use the stairs since I was feeling dizzy. And I had decided to try out mom's cookie recipe today, so I did. Pretty much took all day since I wasn't feeling all that well and I made them out of potato flour since I wanted gluten free ones, so the paste kept crumbling apart. But hey, at least I managed to make the freaking cookies.

So maybe... physically around -2, mentally around 4, or something?

5!

4

I drove an hour both ways on the highway (which I hate doing) to go visit my mom. I hadn't seen her in... gosh, more than six months. And I hadn't spoken to her in months. So I reached out. I was alone all weekend and it felt weirdly freeing and good. I thought I would go crazy and climb the walls, but I didn't.