scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Auntblabby makes a good point ..oddly enough.. have been able to prognosticate outcomes quite often.. because it is not the real me. As in the present ../ but am projecting myself into possible future outcomes based given facts . Some controls of "future potential" apply.
(Delaying future probabilities . Can be a temporary option .) Usually .. i start referring to myself as we. Just for purposes of this post.
Present tense Me , seperated by future tense me. Might sound odd.. but have seen alot of my lifes biggest events ..occur . In advance . As merely a number of probable future . Out comes . And i really dont understand the exact whys or wherefores . As more information come into the scene. .You see what directions the events are more destined to go in. Specific events that are
Actually directing things , maynot be seen . But all outcomes appear predestined . Some possiblities as things "go on" could be show stoppers .
One might not have wished to go through .But oddy enough ,part of the process . That these , known outcomes are directed towards . There are times when this can happen in more immediate situations , kinda like foreknowledge.
Like assembling a puzzle. At most delaying some events in the future .Some of these can feel gratifying along the way .Allowing some short term pleasure.
But not not affecting eventual outcomes .Am sorry if this sounds odd to some. Just having a difficult evening

Thank you very much guys for all support. or even those not necessariliy intending to

^^^i'm glad you seem to be happier now.

-1

All I think about is what bad thing is coming up, because I really can't remember when what comes next has been good. I've accepted that this is how it goes, and sometimes that acceptance is blissful, but sometimes it's not. They say it can always get worst, and it apparently does; the flavors of salt are almost endless. No, seriously, the next few months will almost certainly cut me down closer to the ground. And the next few after that one. There's barely anything of me left now (my mind is long gone); any spark is just a fault in the system. Obsessive interests can only distract you so much, and if life is basically unbearable in the present, you can't help but look to the future, even if you see that it holds nothing good. A moment of respite? Nothing but the transience of a painkiller that eventually stops working.

A life as a disabled hermit with his ma and magpies as friends and holding steady on that hill till whenever the end is for most people, I'd consider that hitting the best jackpot I can think of, but nah, he just hasn't had it hard enough yet. The list of things that can be taken is getting really short and the pen to write the list of things to gain ran out of ink long ago. This ain't even emo Dill. This is abandon all hope Dill, because there's none for some of us, and that's the lesson life decided to give me.

But, that's all ok, because I can handle it and whatever bad in life comes next--I've already seen the worst that it has to offer, and it's not all that impressive when you break it apart. Which I guess is a lesson I can give others: when you hit the absolute lowest of low, know that that's the hardest life will throw at you (you'll know it when you hit the bottom; there's a point where nothing can get worst); and when you come out the other side, there you are and big deal if it happens again down the line, as you'll come out again all the same. Whatever scars you accumulate are nothing but reminders of how easy it truly is in the end.

+1

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I think I'm going to just kill myself. Or at least try to again. Didn't work last time. I knew before that this would be the time I couldn't handle it anymore.

+1

Wasn't all that hard to adapt to one fully functional hand, and I figured typing would be one of the most annoying aspects, but it's not too bothersome. Opening things that are usually done with 2 is the hardest out of it all. I can't really consider it a disability, unless you somehow required it for your chosen vocation, but even then, I reckon you could adapt to most things with one hand. I dug a hole with a pickax one handed no problem in rocky terrain to put back in a signpost that someone knocked over with their car; shoveling in dirt one handed was no problem either.

The nerve pain is a little more annoying (wakes me up at night), but Panadol and anticonvulsants (which I was already on), knock off the edge. Kinda like a toothache in your hand for an equivalent, but instead of throbbing it's a sharp pain. I think the term is neurotmesis for the cause of why (big smart Greek word for severed or some such). But eh, physical pain. You get used to it like you get used to tinnitus. Just another feeling or background noise. And it seems like emotional pain eventually ends up in the same place too for most humans, which is sorta sad but understandable for biology; I think it should have a higher importance when it involves other people, and you shouldn't be able to get used to it. It might take a little longer, but it turns to static all the same. This is saddest thing about the saying, "better to love and lost"; you love, lose and forget, then the cycle repeats, with all those wishes and emotions forgotten as if they didn't even exist.

La Fenkis has lots of intelligence. It would be a waste if he would go away. He can definitely be of use to others, as well as to himself.

i wish i could help him somehow.

Me too!

-3

A chronic complainer has chosen me for her audience today -- everything from how her kindergarten teacher treated her to what she "knows" everyone is thinking about her.  I cant keep up the "smile and nod" routine much longer.  Oh, crap ... there she goes again about her sister's bicycle ... next comes the cat story ... and ... and ... there it is.  Next is either the museum trip or the forgotten birthday ... what a surprise, she broke a nail ... last week ... washing her dishes ...

Great Dog, make it stop!!



 

I'm here. A big wave of pontlessness and futility hit me last night but it's rolled back a bit. Right now just thoroughly blegh.

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