death or AS/autism

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Suicide kills the soul of those loved ones, more than the person who commited it.

I went from, it doesn't bother me right now, but I am feeling lonely and think too much -> Something feels wrong with me physically and emotionally but I don't know why and make it go away -> I don't really care about anything now -> I feel stressed out, and I need to relieve myself -> I snapped out of it, but now I screwed up and I am angry. I blew it that is it. -> ?

Sometimes these situations recycled before. I don't want that anymore.

I can't contemplate this junk anymore. I will only squander more time.

I'm 61 now, almost ready to semi-retire. As I look back at my life, which has been difficult at best, would I rather have died when I was 20?

No way! I'm an aspie, so while I haven't done real well with other people, I am intelligent and inquisitive, and have learned a whole bunch of stuff over the years. I have developed my own moral sense (based on the words of the man Jesus, with no religion to muddle my thinking). My main mission in life has always been to teach other people how to think, and I've done a real good job at it. And who knows, my best thinking still lies ahead, now that the mystery of why I am how I am has finally been answered. I'm grateful for the 61 years I've had, and I hope for many more.

Well as long as we're admitting the down side of AS, I feel compelled to say that sometimes I feel a sense of panic because I know there is a dimension of human life that I have missed out on. There is an experience of emotion and sensation that makes life worthwhile to normals that I do not experience. The struggle with employment, the social difficulties are hard. There are times I feel a sense of panic. I feel such panic that I could run out to the nearest doctor and say, "For godsakes CURE me. I don't want to die with out knowing what it is to feel, to experience all the subtlety and richness that comes with having emotional depth."

I feel this panic and I wonder if I tried really really hard, maybe, if I didn't forget to remember, maybe, I could be normal.

But then I think to myself, "Mehhh, who needs that? What would be the point of having all that emotion?" And I feel okay, and I carry on.

AS/autism

Its bad sometimes but i would never want to get rid of it, especially if i must die to do so

Since I'm in a better place right now, I choose Autism, because to me, Autism IS Life.

At this moment in time, I see the world as a very dark place. I've been wishing that there could have been an Autism Embryo Test back in the 1970s, when my Mom was pregnant with me. Than maybe she would have freaked out and aborted me. Than that way, my Parents wouldn't have had to deal with any embarassments that they've felt towards me, and still do, after over 30 Years. Especially my Dad. At this time, I would have rather never have been born. If I would have known that my Obsessions were going to be a burden to my Parents, from the ages One to Thirty One, I would have died in my Mother's Uterus, and came out as a Stillborn. I'm having a really bad Period, this Month. I'm not usually like this.

Back in 1969 my mom was on birth control pills,but
I fought my way into the world anyway! The last year
has been dark for me CockneyRebel. But I had some
good days in the past. I think in the next 30 years of
our lives we will both have some good days.

Thank you.

DEATH!! !! !! !! !! !! !!


please lord jesus kill me.

I guess I'll live. God made me for a reason. I got no idea why.

I get Hell targeting me at times. I ask my folks something like, why are you so bad at me, and they respond that they're not mad at me, they want to help.

That's normal for you guys too, right?

I don't want to feel like I'm the only one on earth if you know what I'm getting at.

I've been all over the depression and emporment spectrum and sometimes both at the same time.

Some days I want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world, some days I don't want to get out of bed, and some days I wish everyone else would just dissapear and leave me by myself.

But I've never wanted to die. I'm not inferior, I'm just different. I'll embrace being a freak, a geek, an abnormal. It's those so called normal people who have something wrong with them.

I'd rather die than have to be one of them.

I understand this... ...For me it use to seem like bad stuff only happened to me while good stuff happens to people who were mean to me.
The parent thing too. i nearly drove my parents crazy asking theem why they were mad... I don't ask anymore...


And I still prefer autism... more than ever right now

I have too much to live for, too many things to accomplish, too many mouths to feed, too many illiterates to teach, too many ignorant minds to enlighten, too many undiscovered realms to discover, too many problems to solve, and too many hurts to heal

I now choose Life, again. Those little toy Routemasters and Regent Ts in the Antique Shops would be very lonely, if I wasn't born, or if I were to pass away. They would have nobody to buy them and take them home.

Before I would have chosen death
I had the feeling nobody understood me at all
I didn’t have any friends
I felt I was invisible and alone in this world,
And since I found out I have AS I felt worthless abnormal and out of place.
Nobody seemed to need me or care for me, so I thought why should I live?
Life just seemed completely useless,
But since I’ve had my boyfriend everything changed He understands me,
He gives me hope and strength,
He shows me life isn’t useless
Life is wonderful and great
He has saved me of doing foolish things
He is the only reason that I still breath.

As far as my life is concerned, I'd chose death over AS anyday (and may have by the time this gets read). In fact, for me AS is worse than death, it's like being buried alive. It's like I'm stuck in the grave and everyone has already given up on me and taken me for dead . . .

DaPurd