my mom killed herself today.

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I'm so sorry.

We're all here for you.

I can't express myself emotionally enough in this language, so I'll offer my sympathies in my own.

Jag är så fruktansvärt ledsen.

Oh my God. I am so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what kind of heartbreak you must be going through right now. I pray that her soul is delivered to a safe place.

Hyperlexion: For what it's worth, I firstly read your post while at my desk during a quick tea break - I checked-up on the Wrong Planet and happened to spot your post and I replied.

Now, my 2nd post: I've been thinking about you during your sorrow and that you shared the surrounding events with us. I admire your courage and am wishing you all the best. Just thought to tell you. I like that what you wrote about her cat.

Lastly, just a minor note, I read a book a while back and thought you might appreciate, especially now. I know this book has been around a long time and I'm sure you know of it. But the message is always meaningful. I so much like the author, rabbi Kushner, who wrote philosophically after his own personal loss (Note: this book is geared to anybody - no religious persuasion required). I know you must be overwhelmed right now....maybe later you can look, if you wish. He's a very caring paternal person.

"When Bad Things Happen to Good People ( ISBN 1-4000-3472-8 ) is a 1981 book by rabbi Harold Kushner. Kushner addresses in the book one of the principal problems of theodicy, the conundrum of why, if the universe was created and is governed by a God who is of a good and loving nature, there is nonetheless so much suffering and pain in it—essentially, the evidential problem of evil."

I'm sorry about your loss. I work with someone who's brother recently killed himself.

That's really shocking to have something like that happen to your closest relative. You have my condolences. *HUGS*

Oh, sorry to hear that.

I'm so sorry to hear that Hyperlexian .

Good luck to you and your family, I hope your sister gets better.

I hope you are able to get through things ok.

thank you everyone. i have read all of your supportive comments and advice, and i will definitely take it all to heart. i see a therapist on monday with both of my sisters, which should be helpful too.

judging from your comments, i think i must seem really calm in my writing, but i am breaking down and crying quite a lot. i found out she died when i was on a city bus on the way home from work. i was almost home and i started sobbing and shaking and stuff on the bus.

we won't get to see her remains because she had been in the apartment too long before she was found (only 12 hours maximum but she had taken so much drugs that it had a very detrimental effect). she made a list of everything she took, and according to the list it was literally hundreds of pills. while still conscious she made note of the fact that she was unable to swallow any more medicines after a certain stage, and she said she hoped that she took enough.

i know that i could not have helped her. she was always mentally ill and had lots of issues (in and out of institutions when i was small), but it got worse after she was brain injured in 2000. not a terribly bad brain injury, but it was serious enough that she kind of cracked.

in the early stages, after she would overdose i would stand by her hospital bedside and tell her all of the reasons she should want to live, and would try to help her find meaning. but eventually i realized that nothing i said to her would ever convince her that her life was important. it was eventually devastating to me, because in my heart *i* wanted to be important enough for her to stay alive. it wore me down.

lately i thought i would find out about her death while i was on a bus. every day i would ride the city bus for an hour each way to work, so there was a good chance that was where i would be when i was be informed.

there was a high bridge that she occasionally threatened to jump off of (she had a friend who did jump off it to commit suicide about 40 years ago), and over the last year my bus would cross the river in sight of that bridge every morning. if the sun was up i could see the water below the bridge quite clearly, and i would look closely to check if she had jumped. it was irrational, but that's the way my mind started to work.

thank you for letting me rant. i'm sure it is uncomfortable to read this.

I am very sorry to hear that. My mom also ended her life (about 10 years ago also with a drug overdose).

I know your situation must be very hard, and it sounds like you did all you could for her. At the very least, her pain and sickness has finally passed.

My advice to you is to not make the same mistake I did and repress these traumatic events for many years. Be strong and you will plow through life stronger than ever. Those who have to endure the most immense hardships can also be molded into the strongest people.

Again, my most sincere condolences go to you and your family.

I was just asking about who else lost a parent in the thread about my dad.

I am SO sorry you lost your mum - and especially this way. Please don't let this eat you alive. You've got a lot more to deal with than I do; I'm thankful mine went peacefully. It is a terrible thing to leave this world a tormented soul.

My wish for your family is peace and that your love for each other will carry you through.

Oh hyper....mental illness - with or without the brain injury - is an illness, you know? So much of it is about chemistry, and not about love or attachment to those around us. It may seem like you should have been able to love her enough to "will" her out of the state she was in. But honey, she didn't have a healthy brain. All of the capabilities of medical science could not fix that - you know it's not reasonable to believe you could, right?

I knew when my mom died, too. I awoke from a sound sleep with a stabbing pain in my lower back. I sat straight up in bed and looked at the clock: 4:20 am. The pain disappeared, and I went back to sleep. The phone rang at 5:00....my dad telling me mom had passed. Time on her death certificate: 4:20 am. I believe my mother's energy could not leave this realm without me knowing it. You and your mother were connected, hyper.....she didn't pass without you knowing it.

There's a book I found a lot of comfort in when my daughter's godfather passed: "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. It is not religious, but it does offer an idea of the soul's journey when this life ends. I found it very comforting - maybe you will, too. Take care.......Hope

So sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hope you will feel better soon.

Sending my condolences on your loss.