Into the depths of insanity.

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Yes I realize I am not the only one but it does not diminish how I feel.......I mean I don't see how I am supposed to feel very good when every day it feels like I loose more and more of my mind. In the past I always found the idea of insanity rather entertaining, but now that I feel I'm going insane its not so fun anymore.

At this point, while I'd love a nice wife to live with happily ever after in a great abode in the woods, I'm doubtful of it's happening. I figure if I want to see people, I'll see them where they are, and when I don't, I can return to where I am. I hate having roommates live with me, good friends become great enemies once you live with them.

But yes, to answer the question of "Do you think you're better off alone?" I sure do. Or maybe I just don't know any better.

I sometimes feel I am better off alone, yet I cannot stand being alone......even though even when I am with people I still feel alone and empty inside but sometimes I can at least have the illusion that I am not totally alone.

Yea, being around people who have no idea what's going on inside you can be even more lonely than being literally alone. I think the only way to feel any better is to break through that barrier and trust someone enough to be open. It's so much easier on the internet and harder in real life, but at the same time there's a limit to how much you can truly connect on the internet. There might be a way to bridge that though if you can find other people on the internet who live in your city.

That's why I was thinking a real-life support group might help. I mean, the internet is okay for some support but you really can't get the same quality of trust or information without real-time interaction. You might be able to get some better information on how to deal with psychologists/psychiatrists so you don't have to fear it so much. There exist many who, if approached right, are willing to work with you rather than trying to baby you or treat you like you are incompetent. You might have had a different experience when you were younger but it's likely you've matured enough that you will be treated differently now. Also, I'm pretty sure you're not actually going insane even if you feel that way on the inside.

Yeah a support group might be helpful, I guess I could look into that........but I don't know I am pretty sure I'm losing it. I mean times in the past when I have felt kind of like I do now I've always been able to somehow find my way to pull myself through it and at least see a little improvement........but this time I feel like I almost pull myself out but not quite, it's like I've finally fallen so far I can't climb back up and I don't even think it's worth the effort anymore.

I am so screwed........yeah my stupid mental problems just had to interfere with my abilities to pass my classes, so this semester is in the garbage. I was going to have to drop out anyways though because I can't keep taking out college loans when I have no clue how I would ever pay it back. So I guess unless I magically find a job, or someone decides I am so insane I should be locked away somewhere I'll most likely end up homeless and then dead just another stain on the side of the road I guess.


Just don't know what to do, maybe getting out of college will give me more time to try and pursue some sort of psychological help.........but at the same time not being in college=no form of income, so unless I can find help that is super in expensive or free then yeah I'm screwed.

well time to reply to myself again......still feel pretty horrible, it really sucks and I am still screwed when it comes to college and finding another option as to what I will do for at least a little income. I kinda feel there is something I should do........but its one of those things most people would advise against as it involves my death.......but seriously what else am I supposed to do, commit myself to a mental institute because I'm a total failure at life or go homeless and hope I don't freeze to death since it is getting into winter now? I just really don't see the point.......and I am always afraid all the people who do care about me will just abandon me so even when I am with my friends or the family members I can tolerate I still feel lonely as hell.

You're not psychotic or losing touch with reality. You're still typing coherently and expressing yourself intelligently. Nobody is going to put you in a straight jacket. You're just extremely depressed (not that that's any laughing matter).

I think your biggest obstacle is trust. I think if you do see a psychologist you need to tell them this flat out. Tell them you don't want to be pushed into any kind of therapy right away. You just need someone to talk to that you feel like you can trust to help you and not hurt you or take away your control of your life. Tell them right away that you need someone that will work with you as a team. You can even write down on paper exactly what you need to tell them.

The way I see it this is life or death. Just forget about college and finances for now. You might not see how anything is going to help, but you have to just take one step at a time. Your in a crisis and holding all your feelings in is hurting you. It's crushing you. The amount of anxiety you are under can hurt you physically as well. It can hurt your immune system. You can get sick, especially if it's to the point where it's hard to even eat or sleep properly because you're feeling so awful.

Well then how do you explain the obnoxious visual distortions, mostly slight movement of things? And today when I was walking to class I had a few minutes where all the colors suddenly looked brighter and everything was louder and eventually the ridiculously vivid appearnce of colors went away but my senses have been rather off since then I am still more sensative to sound and light than usual and I've been rather out of it. Also, I almost freaked out on this person in public me and some of my family were at the Musuem and leaving so we went outside and were headed towards the car when this person on a bicycle with this super bright headlight thing was coming my way and seemed to be slowing down so I kept going but then he kept going and I'm all like 'what the hell dude.' and he diden't say anything just kinda rode off and my sister and a couple others yelled at me to calm down and then all of them seemed to find it hilarious except for me.....now obviously i am aware enough to discuss it objectively so it was not full blown psychosis of any kind.........but it does concern me a little that I keep having weird things like that happen...and yeah I normally don't yell at people in public.

But yeah as coherant and as intelligent as I might seem, if anything that sometimes causes even more difficulties.......as then sometimes people assume I have it more together than I do.

Trust is certainly a major issue, but yeah I don't have a lot of options when it comes to what I have access to.......so I am kinda worried I won't be able to find a psychologist that would be willing to help me on my own terms rather than what they think I need without any input from me.

I feel it is life or death to..........and well at the moment one is more appealing than the other.

dp/dr causes visual disturbances, absent mindedness, and unusual emotional reactions to things. It's not the same as being delusional or losing touch with reality. You're not paranoid or talking about things that don't make sense. If you were going insane you wouldn't know it until other people told you you weren't making sense.

As for finding a psychologist who's compatible with your needs, you won't know until you try. Doing nothing isn't going to work much longer from how you sound. I mean, things are going to come to a head sooner or later. It just sounds like you're under an unbearable amount of stress and worry and the only way to alleviate it is to take some kind of action. You can plan ahead what you're going to do and what your going to say to people by writing it down and mentally preparing yourself.

Hell depression can cause full blown hallucinations, just something intresting I learned in psychology. Also by insane I am not specifically talking about any specific symptoms just more of losing control and that sort of thing which I feel is certainly taking place...so maybe that will clear it up a bit.

But I actually would disagree about not being paranoid, because I certainly am........though I recognize it so its not like i can't just chill out and quit overnanalizing what I am paranoid about though it can be difficult. But yes I am always concerned people don't like me, are laughing at me behind my back maybe talking about me behind my back and a lot of times that's not the case but it feels like it is when I feel that way. Other people do tell me I don't make sense.....but then some people do think I make sense. But yeah keep in mind what I say here cannot possibly give you the full picture of how i feel and how severe things are so it might be a little worse than you're thinking but maybe not.

And I would do something I just don't know what to do.......or what to say, I mean I cannot predict what will be asked so I can't really plan what to say until I know what the situation is. But yeah I hate talking to people on the phone I don't know about my problems so I am not sure how I would scedule an appointment or call anywhere to get information.....obviously being under so much stress does not help with finding resources....so yeah.

It's funny you said that, cause the same thing happened to me, however it's also kind of understandable. I mean, I was really angry, quiet and awkward. Being an aspie (which you can't help) is just asking for trouble.

I was not angry........just quiet and wished I had friends, I was not trying to ask for any trouble so yeah I don't think its understandable for someone to say that to me.

Trust me man, I've been in your situation before. I'm not trying to be preachy about beliefs here, I'm just stating the cold hard facts cause actually, I think you're pretty cool. Pot helps you a lot in some ways, but only temporarily. What I mean is that you might feel calm while smoking it but afterwards you'll just get more paranoid over time. So in the long run you're just screwing yourself. There is no safe drug to treat psychosis. Paranoia, visual distortions, it all points to poor mental health. What to do? I would suggest not doing things that would make it worse, and from horrible experiences with antipsychotics I can tell you DON'T DO THOSE EITHER. You will seem fine at first but then suddenly you'll be on death's door. What's worse is that most doctors give you mixed information about them, cause they don't actually know much about it at all. If you don't believe me, just research all the horrible things that can happen, and chances are it will. It happened to me, and the same might happen to you. Are you willing to roll the dice with your life? It's not worth it if you're just dealing with a little bit of psychosis. Even if it was a lot, I'd rather be raving mad than dead. But that's just me. So, talking to a doctor about your issues is in my opinion the wrong way to go.
What to do when you need to calm down? Snuggle with your wife! Yep, it's that simple, and even more simple to obtain one- even for a severe aspie like me. Emotional support helps more than any drug.

i feel scared a bit when i look at your avatar and read what you say.
i hope very much that you live a long life, but i wonder if you may not live long.
i hope you can be helped up to a happier platform.

Well actually I feel more calm when I smoke and even after the 'high' wears off I am still more calm......But I am aware of the risks associated with cannabis I just don't feel its contributing to the paranoia because I was even paranoid about things when I was a kid.....I remember in first grade I always hated going into the hallways alone because I thought they had hidden camras or some weird crap like that.

But another issue is cannabis is all I have right now.........I could drink use alcohol instead but too much of that and I feel like crap and it will cause a lot more damage than cannabis a lot quicker. That in itself is probably an issue.......why do I feel the need to have to use a drug? that in itself is probably a bit messed up, but that's what it is so I'm not going to lie about it on here since I am here for advice. I certainly do not want anti-psychotics though that would probably be a little extreme.......besides the visual distortions are not all bad when I am in a decent mood its actually kind of entertaining.

Also I don't have anyone to snuggle with.....and being female I think I would rather have a boyfriend/husband than wife. lol