Being divorced, wife still happy to spend my money

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that's the thing - he'd have to actually prove they are separated before he could try to prevent her from using any money, so for all intents and purposes, nothing has changed.

I don't want to sound too harsh, I realise this is the Haven, but I'm not sure if it's really your place to say what the consequences ought to be. You cheated and your wife now wants to leave you. It's a well-known consequence, and no, she doesn't have to try counselling or 'learning to communicate' first and 18 months of good behaviour isn't always enough. Her actions also weren't the ones that 'pulled the family apart'.

As for spending your money; Since you were both (I presume) in agreement that she give up her job to raise your young kids, then it is not just your money. If you jot up what you've probably saved in childcare fees, that probably more than covers a weekend break. The timing sucks, and I understand the 'kick in the teeth' feeling. If money's not too tight, maybe you could buy yourself something nice to 'take your mind off things' as well?

I agree with the others; consult a lawyer immediately and also maybe consider moving out if you're unhappy with the living-together but separate situation (I don't blame you). I wouldn't go changing your bank account just yet until you get legal advice- it could be considered hostile and might not go down well in court- but make it clear that she can't have it both ways; either she's so devastated and divorce is the only way to cope, end of, or you guys work on it and get back together.

In Scotland a couple can be divorced by mutual consent after a year's separation. It's not necessary to have a lawyer involved at the time of separation, but usually prudent to do so, particularly if there are children involved and financial matters to attend to.

In the OP's case it does seem that he will have to make some financial provision for his wife, and they will need to decide how the children will be cared for, where they will live and so on. He really should get legal advice sooner rather than later.

Edited to add that, having now read Lene's post I agree with her comments.

I understand what you're saying, I've been attacked pretty aggressively on other forums. I can't effectively get across how screwed up our "happy" marriage was beforehand, but I think I betrayed myself so much as I am so terrified of confrontation and decisions. If accepting blame in an argument makes it go away, I will. So more and more I was seen to be at fault for things that didn't really need to have blame in the first place, and I became kinda scared of my own shadow. I feel that I could have become a battered husband if I were in that situation.

Being sh***y socially, I have always wanted to please people as much as possible. In the hope of them approving of me. I could be funny, and I could share information, these seem to be my biggest tactics. So i'll tell anyone all my secrets, show off as much as I can to be liked, and this woman turned up in the middle of that. My lack of self image combined with some woman hitting on me... I had no idea what to make of this crazy situation I didn't expect to ever be in my life...

If I had had a physical affair with a friend, then the consequences would have been pretty clear to me, but what I did, whch was sh***y, has been generally dismissed by all my friends. They are so suprised she hasn't dealt with it at all and moved on. She isn't them of course, but the number of times i heard "Is that it??"... And I have so much trouble forming my own opinions I have lost track of what I believe.

Depends what you class as a trigger. As I'm so analytical about things, I often can't believe in the subconscious stuff, and can't offer much more than "Because I could"

But My wife has a very strong character, and everything has to be done on her terms. I fear conflict and apologise ASAP even if i'm not at fault. I give slack, she takes it. So I'd say I was in a position where I couldn't say how I felt about all sorts of things, for fear of it being turned against me and going bad. I never thought I would have a girlfriend when I was younger, let along married with kids, so I could never say anything I felt might rock the boat.

The idea that there might be some woman on line interested in me kinda bowled me over. And then I was in a position where I could reinvent myself as someone bold and confident and say whatever I felt like to another person, knowing that the consequences with this other woman would be very limited. I admit I obviously enjoyed it sexually, but it also made me feel alive in other ways that I hadn't been able to for a long long time.

I think the root answer lies somewhere here:

In essence, she suffocates you emotionally and eventually it goes poff. Someone that is used to have it their way is less likely to accept small mistakes. You could simple turn around and say how you want things. And if it's not good enough she can leave. Do talk to a lawyer first however.

Well it makes sense to me, however as I'm a creature of logic, I can#t, hand on heart, say that I feel I was forced into it etc... I knew I shouldn't but I didn't stop myself.

When she asked me why I did it, I told her "because no one stopped me". "What about your kids???", "They weren't there". I said these things as I stood with a bag packed as I was asked to leave the house for a few days, with tears flooding down my cheeks, but it's that kind of logic that sticks in my head. On things like this I really wonder if AS plays a part. I get the feeling that these sorts of situations don't even enter many NT's minds, it's just dealt with in grey matter, circuits instantly close and the right thing gets done, without any thought or effort required.

But I've no idea how I want things, other than fixed. I don't know what things there are to want!

it sounds like you have mixed feelings about what you did. you waffle between stating that you did something wrong and downplaying it. so from the sounds of it, you were willing to concede to your wife that you did something bad.... but you don't truly believe it was that bad really.

i firnly believe that marriages don't fall apart for one individual reason, but there are many events and conflicts that add to the stew first. i don't think that your cheating was the only event that caused the marriage breakdown; from the sounds of it you were in a dysfunctional marriage prior to that event.

so it brings me to the question of why you want to stay married to someone when clearly it is not really a happy marriage. but you already answered that:

i believe you think it is your only shot at marriage or romantic happiness, so you had to make it work no matter what. this is a self-destructive attitude, because it places your emotional needs below the need to preserve The Marriage at all costs. if you are not already in individual therapy i would advise you to get into it ASAP because it will help you put all of this into perspective, it will help you gain self-esteem, and it will help you leave the broken marriage.

Provided the therapist "get" aspies

if not then... try another therapist... and another...

You didn't say the reason for this was the fact you cheated on you wife.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 16 Feb 2012, 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My wife wouldn't give me a hard time over inappropriate conversations. Sometimes she'll actually watch a conversation and partially participate. She finds it entertaining. But overall I think it best to leave things like that alone, even if you don't think that it is technically cheating.

I think what can happen is that expressing yourself in inappropriate conversations can be seen as symptomatic of how you actually feel. Just the fact that you WANT to cheat can really be upsetting to your partner.

I'm guessing there have been a lot of other issues going on here, things the OP missed or things the wife kept hidden. The inappropriate Internet activity was probably the proverbial last straw. She might have just been looking for a good excuse to get out of the marriage. The sad thing is the OP gave her one.

You appear to be trolling me. Have some respect for people having trouble in their lives. This is the haven isn't it?

My current therapist and I get on really well. She's not formally trained for AS, but is personally very interested in it. It was her encouragement that got me assessed. I'm keen to stick with her if I can, but might think about moving on to a proper specialist.

I'm not trolling you. I posted twice about my distaste for what you did, and it's how I see it. You didn't take your marriage vows seriously, and now she's milking what's left of a destroyed marriage for all it's worth.

All I can suggest is that you get the divorce sorted as soon as possible so you can go your seperate ways. If that isn't possible, sit her down and talk to her about it very seriously.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Reasons for the divorce do matter. It's those reasons that led her to want to divorce you. You've been cheating on her. That's a sign you don't have much respect for her as your spouse.



She's not worked because she was busy taking care of your kids. Legally, your money may also be hers depending on the situation. When you two got married, was she working and putting money into the house (for example) before she had kids?