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Snake,


My brother.

It's not necessary to pass judgment on you. You are a fallible, imperfect human being, just like everybody else is. There is no shame or blame in that.

I hope you are able to come to terms with what happened before. There are people here (including me) who are willing to listen and to try to help, if you want it. We have issues and problems of our own to deal with as well, but if we all help each other, then we're more likely to be ok in the end.

f**k... Snake.. I only wish I could understand what that must feel like.

Though I might have to leave WP..

This morning, I was with my (now ex) partner... We fought.. I couldn't control myself... I threw a coin that was in my hand at her, without thinking, she was bleeding everywhere..

I vowed I'd never lose it again, I'm terrified, because in the moment all I could feel was anger, she was bleeding and I didn't feel any pain until she screamed at me to leave and I did.

I'm a psychopath.. I became the very violence I feared. I understand if you hate me.

I don't feel I belong in such a place with such beautiful people.

Thank you all, you've helped me more than I can say, but I've still lost it again, I think I'll be going to jail, and if not, I... like many of you.. will be alone the rest of my life..

I can't believe in that moment, only an hour ago, all I could feel was anger and pain, my emotions have always felt switched on or off, but this time was different, I wasn't just screaming or shouting, I threatened her, I slapped her, then when she screamed I threw what was in my hand at her.

I understand if I should be banned..

I preach equality, yet I can't even control my rage..

I feel love, but in that moment all I felt was anger.

To me it seems like I've maintained an image of strength so long with her, that when she accused me of all these horrible things, I felt it was right of me to hurt her...

I'm revolted with myself.

I can't do this anymore..

I was warned, I knew I had to be alone, I knew I couldn't hold it together with someone with such a misunderstanding gap..

She is so sensitive, so beautiful, and all she did was question me and fight with me..

I'm so scared...

And yes I know its all my fault, violence never helps anything, I truly feel like it was beyond my control, though I doubt anyone (even myself) believes this.

I'm so sorry snake, I had no right to judge you or anyone else..

I'm a psychopath and how can I expect to share love through music if I can't even control my anger.. The scariest thing is how I didn't feel anything at all when she was in pain...

It was an hour later that the pain hit.

I vow I will be alone forever.

Thanks again everyone.

She won't speak to me again, which is obviously what I deserve.

Last edited by Scintillate on 18 Nov 2006, 12:12 am, edited 3 times in total.

You're welcome!

Scintillate,

If you check WP again... I'm going to send you a PM soon. I think I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind of anger and frustration... we can talk if you feel like it.

Scintillate, rather you wanna stay or go is totally up to you, but I would like to stay in contact with you, even if it's through an outside e-mail address.... if you get this pm me.

Hey guys, I'm still here

I have to stay, don't feel like I'm me at all anywhere else.

Woohoo~!

I'm very glad that you've decided to stay! It is entirely our honor and privilege that you are here.
I'm also very glad that you feel like you're allowed to be yourself here at WP.
Now let's see what we can do to brighten up the day of a couple of fellow Aspies in need!!

Thats a deal.

I'm glad you're still around, Scintillate. I think that what you've got to say is likely to help some people here. Hell, maybe even me.

Plus, you've proven yourself to be honest, even with yourself, which is tough, and a generally decent guy. Hope things turn out for the better in your current crisis.

Thankyou! I think with sharing honestly, we can all learn a lot from each other.

Oh I'm working it out, I feel my drive returning, and because of this I'm definately not going to let myself get into a relationship for a while.

Its obvious to me now, I got so good at creating an image, that I didn't even realise what it was doing to me until I snapped every time.

This time I'm going to keep music and my educational goals first and foremost, and just in case try and solve my anger problem. Though I don't know if I'll ever be able to mantain more than one main focus at one time, it seems so impossible.

The guilt still plagues me, but if I'm making sure it doesnt happen again, and this time not simply telling myself I can control it in that state, it is guaranteed.

You're right, being honest with the self is very hard, but very rewarding.

It's easier to change the future than the past.

Sounds just like my problem. But it has taken me 5 months to fully understand what kind of image I was trying to project, and how I was unknowingly taking out my aggression against the one person I cared about the most... my point is, try not to get frustrated if it takes a long time to really figure out just how complicated and involved your image was. It's going to be a very difficult road for you to take, but indeed it's the most rewarding. It can't be rushed.


It might seem impossible now, but maybe not so much later on. Hmm, if I may be so bold, I'd suggest not worrying about whether you can maintain more than one main focus. That would be like trying to force yourself to be interested in something when you really aren't. When you're in the moment and genuinely interested in pursuing a focus, then you're going to do it and it'll feel natural to you... it'll just happen and you won't even realize it until you're already doing it! Then in a few years when you look back on your life, you'll be able to see all that you've accomplished.


Don't beat yourself up even if it does happen again! The guilt is not something that goes away easily, if at all, but now you can try to turn that pain into something very constructive. Guilt doesn't feel too good, but you did get something good after all this: a hard-earned lesson about yourself and the world around you. And you've already been trying to use those lessons to help others, particularly here on WP. So I salute you for your genuine dedication to others. It's the best thing a person could have in this brutal world!

Thankyou.

That was a very insightful reply.

I salute you right back stinkypuppy, you've helped me and others more than once!

The plan:

*Work on my music, as I've been neglecting it for a long time, and I'm very close to finishing a couple of huge projects.

*Enroll in schooling, I stuffed up school as I was terrified around others, and spent my time out of school on my own interests, meaning I didn't do one assignment so I failed.. Anyway.. I'm going back because physics, chem, maths, and english are all quite easy to me when I try, with the goal of studying nanotechnology.

*Learn as much as I can about where the anger came from, finding a way to KNOW when its coming, because though I've worked out it was a result of repressing my true self, though I know it was because I obsessed totally over her, I still can't predict when its building up to that boiling point.

*Share!


Meaning a partner is something I've tried for a long time, but its simply not gonna work until I've sorted all my various goals and issues out, knowing this gives me great strength because I can put it on the backburner.

Last time I was alone for a year I came out with 7 music projects, this time I'm going to finish them off one at a time, I'm going to get the band going and finish the larger more epic project, and maybe try and inspire!

I used to want to live off my music, now I simply want to get it all out, one project at a time, release one every six months etc..

Which means I have things to release (free mostly) already planned out for the next 4-5 years!

Loving and hating the world instead of one person

Overdid that post I think!

I wish you the best of luck!! Your plan sounds awesome!

Keep us posted; I'd definitely like to hear some of your finished works in the future.

Thankyou!

Below is a little blab about my projects:

Well the most "standard" of them all is done, has been finished for a long time, just been mastering and re-checking, then rechecking again (damn perfectionism!)

I decided the order of release should get more experimental and insane with each one..

I didn't plan it they kinda came out that way... The final one that I won't share for a year or two (although 90% done like the rest) is so demented.. Its like ambient alien orchestral movements, with guitar spiced around it, amongst some clicks and pops moving in little rhythyms, in other words, an attempt at the inner workings of my mind.

Meaning it gets deeper with each release, though I don't expect it to be enjoyed by anyone.

The first release Atonal I've heard only positive reviews, I've shown 10 people, but that was the earlier crappy version, which I've removed some tracks and re-sliced. Its the most "shallow" side of myself however much it means to me. Its the most "music" based, of all of them. I want critical reviews too however, though I personally love the final mix I ended up with, no fillers, no wasted space, just a good flow.

Anyway..

If you wanna hear this first one, it'll be free download on a site soon, but I can send it to anyone, anytime.

My favourite thing is sharing, send me your stories, artwork, ideas, songs, whatever, and I'll send you this first project.

If you dig it, I'll send you the second one in a few months, I want to have huge gaps between, because I've put a long time into each one, and I feel they should be given at least a bit of time for absorbtion, because first impressions don't really work with this sorta stuff, it takes a bit to grow on you.

ENOUGH BLABBING..