I want to commit suicide

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Sorry. I can't really give you any advice about your concrete troubles because I'm kind of ignorant about those things, and it seems like other people have pretty much covered it.

I have stared at the tracks and watched the trains go by, thinking, they're not going fast enough. Or looking over the edge and thinking, it's not high enough.
I knew I'd be hurting a lot of people and traumatizing them but I didn't really care because in my mind, I thought, what's the point in worrying about them now when I'll be gone.
That's perhaps the most morbid, selfish thing I've ever thought.

I can only hope that your financial troubles won't last for long.

I'm not going to ask you not to do it because that's selfish of me. I'm not going to say that it can only get better from here because that's optimistic in the most stereotypical form of the word.

But I will tell you that there was only one thing that stopped me from really trying it, and that was the fact that I had the rest of my life to fix things, and I was not going to let myself give up so easily.

I'm a coward for not doing it sooner, but any day now, I'll find the balls I left in my mother's womb and blow my brains out where no one will find the body. Merry Christmas.

If my life hasnt gotten significantly better by the time my mother dies, Ill most likely kill myself that same day. I would never do it while shes still alive as I know it would devestate her, but f**k living like this forever.

My dad told me the other day that the time has come to either start paying rent, move out or do work around the house. I do do work around the house, I make sure his fish are fed everyday because he is too busy to take care of them. I have picked weeds in the backyard and I do my neighbours lawn cutting when it needs to be done. I don know what more he wants from me. I keep my room tidy, do my own laundry. I cant afford to pay rent as I only have five thousand dollars and I am currently unemployed. This has gotten me down.

since this has turned away from helping the OP into personal rants ill throw mine. If my current plan of action fails ill go ahead and shoot myself. Honestly, its getting very tiring of having to start over. Doing so while homeless isnt going to get me too far either. Its hard enough on me to do it with help, its definitely the best for everyone that i take myself out if this goes south. Which at the moment seems more likely than it working out.

While I don't think you should kill yourself, I have to quickly disagree with this.

I wonder if its possible to develop ADD as an adult, because I cannot even think about anything long enough to decide what to do in general. I guess at least I feel like doing things but it doesn't seem to do much good when I cannot decide on a plan of action. Do I follow through with the local mental health center to try and get diagnosed and possibly on SSI? Or should I write some resumes for the places I'd like to work at and/or fill out online applications if possible for part time work? Or should I have myself committed to a psych ward since I'm not well adjusted to society and mentally ill so therefore a potential murderer ? I just cannot seem to decide on anything.

It seems like there are more reasons to kill myself than not to, but the only method I find conceivable for me is an overdose. And by the time that actually starts kicking in I'd have had too much time to think about it.........and probably regret it, call an ambulance and then I'd end up with a hospital bill from hell unless I actually managed to succeed.

@OP- do you live in the USA? sounds like a 6 month stay in a buddhist monastery on a work/study program might be a good idea. tons of free places around the country to do internships/seva (service) in exchange for food and housing.

me too