Suicide or loony bin?

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The same doctor who told me thoughts of suicide combined with an immediate plan constitutes a medical emergency and who told me that I can try anti-depressant medication but "give it six months" (which I think is way too conversative and inactive) . . .

also told me there have been studies that persons who are depressed are actually more realistic about a number of things. Wow. And yes, I can see how that may well be true and I think it probably is.

So in future bouts, when I have the energy to make an active endeavor, so be it. And when I don't, I don't. And I very much like the idea of going oblique, especially when trying to be open to help a person. For if I say, that my circumstances are the same as someone else's, that probably is not true. So going oblique, trying to help someone who shares some of my life circumstances but not others.

(these days, I'm kind of doing okay, but a lot of anger. And I've lost some things which have keeping me going, without fully realizing it at the time)

My mom keeps rubbing it in my face I don't pay much rent and am generally not in a very good mood or up for doing things(so essentially useless). Well much more of that and I will be in the loony bin and she'll have her damn rent since that's sure to speed up the SSI process. Keep trying to think of a good way to tell my brother he should keep an eye on my room(hes broken up with his girlfriend and has been staying here the past couple days) so yeah if he stays longer he can have my room for a bit. But I don't want to tell my younger brother my grand plan of getting rent is going to the psych ward to avoid suicide which will likely speed up the SSI process so I have rent........he would certainly advise against it.

I really think SSI employees, therapists, counselors, and a lot of other people need to understand that we have patchy skills. And because of that we can sometimes not always do well at school. But jobs are so heavily weighed in favor of the mythical 'well-rounded' person. Plus, a lot of jobs really have a sales aspect whether they say so or not, sometimes on the more ethical side of sales, sometimes not.

And yes, probably every human being on the face of the Earth has patchy skills to one extent or another. But for us on the spectrum our skills are quite a bit more patchy than average! And that needs to be understood, and I mean understood in a person's gut, not merely superficially and verbally, at least come part of the way with us. then, then the person might be able to help us, as well be open to the contributions we can make.

Sweet Pea hugs

I think you're a very valuable person.

So yeah psych ward it is for sure, too much pain.....don't know what else to say about it and I suppose I should try to just make it through today and the next week till that appointment. I hate myself and my life. As for that other thread, the klonopin withdrawals I experienced past couple days due to running out after having gotten used to the crap doesn't exactly help me convince myself I am anything more than pathetic and unable to take the pain of life and just adds to the frusteration.

Sometimes going into a psych ward for a short time can actually be quite containing. I've done it myself when feeling like I was very unsafe.

I've struggled with feeling severely suicidal for years, I know how horrible it is- I hope you can find a way to make it through.

I know when you're suffering so much it seems logical, but if life is all you have, it may be better than nothing. Don't give up on yourself if possible.

I haven't read this whole thread, but just wanted to offer commiseration from someone who has been there (and still is a lot of the time!!- Sometimes you have to accept it's a part of you, but hopefully it can recede some of the time)

And don't be ashamed of having to admit yourself to hospital, it's not giving up, it's taking care of yourself. If you surrender to accepting help, if it's available, that can be the best thing

Yeah you are probably right and all I have to do is tell the doctor I will probably kill myself(thats not an exagerattion I mean when I was a kid I always thought I was cool cause I didn't cry if I got hurt(physically) but good god physical pain feels a lot better than this., Then I have to try to prevent the fight or flight from kicking in so I go all voluntarily like and such......earlier I almost destroyed everything in my room but luckily I was able to direct my rage towards non delicate or important items such as clothes ,a recycling basket and a metal can full of drum sticks I randomly have in my room even though I don't play drums rather than my lap top, lava lamp, multi-use speaker box(internet radio speaker, vinyl player, cassette player, cd player, regular radio) and t.v its not mine but its in my room.

I was a little upset my prescription refill request didn't get approved and woke up feeling like sh*t in general, I literally tried to sleep in just because I didn't want to feel it but I cant sleep in when I feel like that. I can mostly just lay there or sit there and stare until it gets to the point it seems like a struggle to even move like I'll want to get up and not be able to unless I really concentrate to get back the use of my limbs this symptom started within this past week.....except for a couple rare occasions before. Its weird WTF and either its my f****d up brain or the mirtazapine they prescribed me I would rather have the clonazepam and be out of this one honestly.

I don't know where you live, but if you're in the UK there's a resource called Maytree respite in London for those in suicidal crises. I personally did not end up using them, it wasn't the right time, and in any case I ended up in hospital this most recent time. Also my mental health problems are extremely long-term and various so something that only lasts four days may not be right for me as I go in and out of suicidal depression all the time; it wouldn't be a viable solution for me. Sounds like you've been struggling for a long time as well so the same could be true for you, but I wanted to let you know anyway.

But if you are severely suicidal you don't have anything to lose from a hospital admission, the company and containment of a ward can be helpful to an extent. Other solutions will all take time and negotiation.

It's very hard, but I wish you luck

I hope you get the insurance and maybe getting some space from your family will help as well

Good luck with your appointment

Well it is more of welfare than insurance, but thanks and I am doing my best to try and get more space from them.

Family can make everything seem worse, remember that.
Keep trying to get distance from them and surround yourself with people where the underlying tone is respect, love and acceptance- as far as possible, this will never be totally possible in life of course, but in short what I mean is, anyone that makes you feel like s**t in any way is a waste of your time. And I mean a WASTE OF YOUR TIME. I know it takes a lot longer to get away from family, but that whole ''blood is thicker than water'' thing doesn't chime with me. It's BS if your blood relatives treat you like a toilet and exacerbate your mental health problems.

My family were very abusive and I was the dumping ground in my family for all their s**t; now I cannot have contact with my mother or two siblings, ever, at all, because it's too dangerous for my health. My father was very abusive but he has made an effort to change, and I have to live with him right now anyway, so..................Plus he's autistic as well so he can understand a bit.

I'm not trying to turn you against your family (I don't know the situation), but from my own experience my family caused me extreme pain and grief and is fundamentally toxic and dysfunctional, and it would have been better for me to have left a lot sooner (but I couldn't). Now all I can do is limit the contact I have with them. Like I said I only involve myself with my father because whilst he was very abusive, now he treats me with the respect I deserve.
And we all deserve respect.