Buh bye

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I'm glad you're alive. Sweet Pea hugs

Thank you and I'l like squeamish boys to stop reading right now please. It's about female trouble.

Really, stop, unless you are ok with it.

The rest of for the middle aged girls here.

Before i had my first baby I had bad migraines, crazy PMS, bad cramps and periods like Farmer Brown butchered a pig inside me. Then after his birth, it changed drammatically. No more of that. Just normal. Severeal years ago it all came back, and it was irregular. No more normal counted on periods the way they should be. Now, it's every few months. Sometimes spotting, sometimes on the verge of hemmhorage with cramps, headaches, crazines. Never regular again. Perimenopause.

Last night, rather than have a day or two of spotting I woke up with full blown scary bleeding. I think that has something to do with it. Hormones. This morning when I got up I felt somewhat better, but still very depressed.

I wish I had a Dr. I will not go over to Dr John who is my Dr and lives two houses up. That would be rude. Nervous breakdowns happen in my family with women going through this. My Mama spent 4 weeks in the hospital. She had insurance. I do not. The most I can get is 72 hours if I tell them I'm suicidal, which I'm not. And thats the hospital an hour out of town.There is no one on one therapy there, just group with a social worker/preacher and so you can imagine how that goes. Then a new age lady comes in and tells you to draw a picture. I don't think that will help me.

I need one on one therapy, with a psychologist. I need my family brought in to be involved and understand.

All my s**t is being cut off this coming week. Husband won't work. no money coming in. He's going to his mothers for the time, taking my yuonger son. My older daughter will go to her fiance's house. My younger daughter will go to my mothers. My mother is in an episode right now and hates on me. I can't go there. I can't go anywhere because there ae no shelters here. I will stay in the dark house, no heat, no food, no water, no power, no gas. I'm tired of it beling blamed on me.

If I lived in the city I cold have many places to go. They help. Nothing here. The ones in the city won't help you out of the county too. I'm literally about to be thrown to the wolves, outside, in the country. Yeah, I was a survivalist years ago, but I'm too old and depressed and tired to be one.

No use being me. I sense that even by my own hand it's not over.

Oh, and for the guy who wanted to call authorities here. No. They don't do anything. Trust me. it just makes me look worse and causes more s**t for my family.

If my husband wasn't such a tool sometimes (he'd never agree to the idea), and if we had a half-decent room, you could live with us. We have an extra room, but the window is broken and it's piled floor-to-ceiling with junk. And we have bugs and dogs in the kitchen and a spider infestation. And no internet service. And only one bathroom, that smells like the hippo house at the zoo from my little boy.

I know just what you mean about the hormones. And about getting the "authorities" involved.

It bugs the $h!t out of me that it's less than an hour's drive but neither one of us has regular access to a car. We are adults! Dammit. I feel like a 10-year-old.

I used to know a boy named Todd Shelnutt that sounds exactly like him. You didn't marry Todd did you?

Nope, no Todds for me, thanks.

I'm so glad your still with us,please stay.

The man you were leaving your husband for - is he able to help at all?

Oh f**k HIM! He's a total ass! no wonder three wives left him already. Thank God I got the sense not to get involved. At first i thought it was just "cute crazy" but noooo, it's real honest to God crazy. f**k a buncha him and the cotton pony he rode in on!

You know Todd? His Mama runs the bereau of indian affairs and got my me roll card, no s**t. That was back wwhen you could still do it on word of mouth and not documents, but it does mean my kids are eligable for indian scholarships. Todd's real nice and all, but somethings wrong with him, I don't know what.

BTW, listen I think I found something to help my depression. It's a book (well two of them) and I'm sure you read one already. Not the Bible or anything like that. It's got the bestest female heroine in history in it! I see a lot of myself in her so I can't be all laying down and crying and stuff. She wasn't and she got what she wanted almost every time. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. If not, just "think about it tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day"

Consider doing something to bring in an income, according to your talents, whether its art, making clothes, cookies or whatever so you can begin one step at a time to feel you can retake control of your life, with or without a man around. It will help to assert some form of independence.
I've been through many a bad experience and am still not where I want to be but am not gonna give up because of setbacks from time to time.
my friend, who understands me, stays 1000 km away and I just returned from a visit. Because I have a (not very well paid, but OK) position, I can't ask him to stay at the moment cos of the 2 dogs and not affording a place where both he and they can stay.
I wish you all of the best from distant S Africa and hope you will get the necessary treatment and begin to rebuild the broken pieces.