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I don't even know, I'll probably have to call and try and see what is going on or just go to the office....just don't want to get frustrated and say something 'concerning' in front of anyone there which based on how fed up with their BS management or whatever seems likely.

Yeah I know. I always find it helps to go in with really low expectations.

YeahI suppose so, honestly just don't even want to deal with that whole thing though...but need to keep attempting treatment stuff well one on the off chance something will help somewhat and well if I just abandon the whole thing it will look to SSI like maybe I don't need disability so I gotta get around to it just nervous about having to deal with more BS form the mental health place trying to get whatever mess happened cleared up. But yeah just don't know what to do with my dad being in jail, don't know of anyone to take care of the dogs(my brother might but not sure)but my moms already implying to me they can't be here long so stressing about wtf to do with them....trying to ignore the persisting thought of 'OMG it's too much' but seriously getting overwhelmed. Hard not to want to put an end to it, also though can't afford to go to the psych ward if I feel like doing that since then I have no idea what will happen, my mom might just give dogs away which I'd feel terrible about since my dad does want them when he gets out so I'd feel bad for not being able to just keep it together a little longer to keep the dogs since not sure my mom would hold on to them if I end up in the psych ward and obviously can't be here to take care of them, just don't know....really on the edge.

And I agree with both of you. Sorry things have been so rough lately, Sweetleaf. Wish there was more I could say. *HUG*

Please don't kill yourself! It's not the answer. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, please try and get help. I was at a similar point back in August. Girlfriend left me, best friend died, lost my IT job, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's all during the month of July. It was more than I could handle and I crashed hard - I was hospitalized. Now, with therapy, some decent medication, and a little bit of hope I started a new career as a truck driver. Just take it one day at a time and if you need someone to PM, feel free to hit me up. But whatever happens, please choose life as someone out there cares about you.

I was, it wasn't doing much good though then there was a stupid mix up with another therapist I was suppsoed to meet with to try another method of therapy...so currently not sure what the deal is I guess I am supposed to call and sort it out, which pisses me off since they are supposed to be helping me not giving me a bunch of confusion to deal with. I have been in the psych ward twice because i was feeling suicidal...probably will end up there again since I really feel like i wont be able to fight off urges much longer, for now just trying not to give in. Never had much luck with any meds either....but I'll try not to I just feel like even if I get help to stop myself this time if I can't pull myself through this one.

But yeah trying to take one day at a time, really all I can do right now.

I think of depression as being like an under tow,hold your breath and eventually you pop up.I know that's not any relief.The only thing that gets my thru my depressions is knowing that it will change after awhile and get better.I'm sorry I can't be much more help,it all sounds so cliche.It's easier for me as I get older,maybe just used to the ups and downs.Hope you pop up soon and feel better.

Call the office like they said, you'll feel much better. And tell them that you are having self destructive thoughts. I know these people are idiots, but they are well meaning ones. You have to have a lot of patience with them, but tell them your thoughts. That's what they're there for.

Also I think you are being illogical when you say that you can't stand the feeling that some medication has given you and therefore won't take it. If the alternative is gruesome death, I'd go for the short-lived unpleasant feeling first. After all you can always kill yourself later.

If I tell them that I am worried they'll have me committed, and I am not entirely to the point I'd for sure act on anything....so kinda opposed to that at the moment I got stuff I have to try and take care of like figuring out what to do about the dogs so don't want to risk psych ward unless I am 100% sure its what I need. And maybe I do and just trying to convince myself I really don't know....and certainly not happy with the 'system' currently. My patience is about spent...hence why being patient with them is not something I am sure I am capable of at this point.

Also I do not think its illogical at all, if a medication makes me feel worse why'd I want to take it? I mean I got no issue taking drugs, but I prefer ones that have helpful and or pleasant effects not ones that make things worse or just add unpleasant side effects to deal with on top of everything else. Not exactly my fault their drugs suck and make me feel worse or the benefits don't outweigh the risks/negative side effects....I've tried numerous things for the depression, either makes it worse along with anxiety, doesn't do anything or doesn't do anything and has noticeable negative side effects.

I could see it being illogical if i tried one medication, it didn't work so I decided 'that's it never trying medications again' but hell I am still going to tell my psychiatrist the last thing she gave me was causing severe allergy like symptoms and be open to see what other ideas she has, but just don't have much hope in the pharmaceutical route didn't really to begin with and ending up with even less and less. The trazodone and valium work alright for their purposes, but of all the other things I've tried didn't find them helpful thus far. So yeah obviously keeping suicide on the table as an option, but try to avoid it since I know it could be upsetting to people maybe, but one can only take so much so yeah.

Well, I'm glad you are not giving up on drugs altogether. They are coming up with new ones all the time. One that has helped me a lot is Abilify and it's only been on the market a few years.

With regard to dealing with the medical workers, don't forget that they only know what you tell them and you don't have to tell them everything. You could say you are experiencing a lot of anxiety rather than saying you are feeling suicidal. They are dependent on the information you give them.

I went to my new psychiatrist the other day and received a letter from my doctor that he had written about the session. It was verbatim what I had said to him. I guess without a physical examination that's all they have to go on.

We're driving down to Pueblo tomorrow night to work on LJs' house. Want to come with? Bobby could pick you up after work before picking us up. You wouldn't have to help with any of the work, but if you did help for a few hours we could give you $50. We could go on the Arkansas River Walk and go out and have one of pueblos famous Sloppers [ really, it's alot like a mexican hamburger] What do you think?

Just so happens I was a bit busy when you posted this....but yeah still think it would be cool to meet up, when I don't have anything going on, but yeah a lot of stuff has been going on lately, and now I found out a friend of mine had a car wreck according to his facebook post he thought he wasn't going to make it....but luckily was ok. But yeah just don't want to seem like I ignored your post, thanks for the invite anyways though.