My parents outright hate me.

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I have lived my life without personal boundaries for far too long. I have allowed people to exploit me financially, physically and sexually for most of my life. The thing is I cannot stop this way of living with my family still breathing down the back of my neck.

Getting away from the booze made me a harder target for them, but that's not good enough for me.

I am finding my new family as we speak. If it were not for my good friends, I probably would have killed myself years ago. And they are supporting me as I go through with my decisions.

I also am seeing an excellent therapist who specializes in working with abuse victims. Of course, nobody in my family knows who my therapist is. My mother has outright stalked and harassed my therapists in the past, after all.

You did the right thing by not going. Good for you! Keep distance from your family. The last thing you need is negativity as you move forth in your life. Remember, just because they are your blood does not make them your true family members. A true family member would help their child move ahead from such a horrible memory.

I don't know.

I feel as if I cannot move on without experiencing loving parental attention. Which I never had, and never will have, from my blood family.

I feel deprived.

I starve for what most children experience every day, and it has been decades since I was a child.

I feel selfish for feeling this way, like I am a lesser human being for not being able to just let this go.

I want to be myself, and I want to be accepted for who I am. And I feel like that is too much to ask for.

I do not even know who I really am at this point. And I assure you that everything in this post is real. I think about this all the goddamn time - it is me talking here, sobering up, it is not the bourbon speaking for me.

I feel a need not only to be myself, but to be an important part in something larger than myself.

And I have been lost my entire life.

It sounds like you are grieving for significant losses. The Big You needs to love and accept and protect and cherish the Little You, who is still hurting a lot (and that's not a failure - it's a process KL, a complicated ambiguous grief process and the likelihood is that you will revisit this particular pain in cycles, as you grow stronger). I know that process too, it took a long time to resolve though I made the mistake of trying to do it alone - without good support - which wasn't the best choice. A significant part of healing grief is accurately naming the things that did - and didn't - happen to us and for us; each loss needs its own time and healing attention from us. Can I suggest you get a journal and rule a line down the centre of the front page. Head one side "Gains" and the other side "Losses". To begin with the losses will far outnumber the gains; later on, as you heal, they will start to balance out, and one day in the future, the gains may outnumber the losses. Write down every loss that feels significant in any way to you. They are your losses, you name and define them, there is no "right answer", this is an unfolding of your hurts, both from things that happened and things that you missed experiencing. IF you have made no progress after a few months, a grief counsellor is a possibility to consider then, even one or two sessions can sometimes help quite a lot as they are usually highly specialised. Healing happens on a timetable that we have little direct power over - it unfolds at deep levels beyond our control, so please don't expect this to pass quickly, because it won't; it took years for you to arrive at the point of determination to heal; now you are making progress. Well done. Courage and patience are your best friends just now, and care-full love for Little KL. Be the good parent to that part of you as much as you can. You are doing very well, I think. I hope this makes sense...

It's perfectly natural to want the love and care that (many) other children get, and there's nothing--absolutely nothing--selfish about it. If you were starving for lack of caloric nourishment, your body would crave food, so please don't beat yourself up for continuing to be emotionally and socially "hungry." It's an apt metaphor for what you've been through.

I think that someday you will be able to find your way (especially with well-qualified help--a compass of sorts) and want to assure you that you are part of something larger than yourself. I'm convinced that there is at least one other family for you, and that it/they may be hard to recognize because they may not be the sort of conventional family you should have had, but they do exist, and there's already a place for you there.

a thought from a mom's perspective--after reading your experience and some others on WP whose parents have hated them, didn't want them, or did terrible things to them...it breaks my heart. I wish i could give each one of you a hug and mother you just a little bit--although in your case i see that we are about the same age so i guess that would be a little weird. But take the thought if it helps at all. i know how much i love my kiddos; i can picture you and these other lost and sad children, and it makes me very, very sad for you.

I have not been in your shoes--my parents were not perfect, but they love me and are good parents. I don't have any good thoughts on how to move on from this--but it makes sense to let yourself grieve the loss. It is not selfish to be sad--it is a terrible loss.

I know an internet hug is not like a real hug from a mom who should have cared about you and didn't, but for what it's worth, here you go. ((((KL)))))

Yeah, I know very well that it is the hurting child inside of me that wants to remain anesthetized with bourbon and dopamine. And there is also a responsible adult inside of me who is at a complete loss. The child has always had his way when it came to a variety of addictions, from sex to booze to shopping to marijuana to nonstop gaming to junk food, etc, etc.

Taking care of my child will require me to stop allowing him to harm himself.

I need to set up structure for him that was never there. And I do not know where to start.

Actually KL, I think it may be the other way around. The adult is choosing addictive behaviour (sometimes) to drown the voice of the child's pain. The adult can make new choices; the child never had that power, and relies on you as the safe and loving parent for care and protection now.

I feel strongly tempted to say that I am in a perpetual state of grief at the present moment, even though logic dictates to me that this is not perpetual if I don't want it to be and the way out of it is through it.

Note to self - bourbon anaesthetizes nothing.

I really feel like I need a loving shoulder to lean on at the present moment. All of my friends have plans tonight. It is just me and my computer, and perhaps God, if I want to take that route. I believe there is a God, and I believe he is loving. But he cannot provide me with the immediate satisfaction of actual human contact. Of hearing somebody's voice, or even reading somebody's words on a screen. Of course, I could respond to myself, because logic dictates that I am good enough to be my own man, that there is nothing that is seriously wrong with who I was born as, that I can overcome, and that my friends are not ditching me on purpose, life happens to everybody.

I guess I can accept that God loves me, but I look at myself, and I see the cracks on the surface, and I see the awkwardness, and I see the neediness. I can accept all of that in others, but I guess one of my character defects is that I hold myself up to impossible standards, and demand nothing short of perfection from myself. I either go into something all in, or I do not go into it at all. I am the epitome of all-or-nothing behaviour.

I could blame my family for the way they always knocked me down every time I tried something new and it did not come out perfectly, but it is not their fault that I kept this to heart this late into my adulthood. I see myself as less than human because of my past failures, my present failures, and my failures yet to come. Why do I hesitate to embrace the reality that I am worthy of as much grace as the others around me in recovery? Why do I hesitate to embrace the fact that I am human?

I do know that sitting by my phone waiting for a ring that may or may not come is a waste of spiritual resources.

As is constantly refreshing index pages of various Internet forums looking for responses.

I deserve to treat myself better than this. I deserve to show myself some love. I deserve to go outside for a little while and take a walk, even if it is raining, maybe hit a Thai restaurant and eat some Pad See Ew for dinner.

Then I could go back to writing my fiction. I feel satisfied after I knock a few pages out, even if it is only a first draft and needs lots of polishing and detailing added to it.

Or I could pull out my Ghibli Blu-Rays.

Or I could pull out a good novel.

Or I could hit the hot tub in my apartment complex and soak for a little while.

Too late to hit the YMCA, though.

Or maybe I could hit the local jazz bar, order a Coca Cola and some superlame bar-grade nachos, and listen to the band for a couple of hours.

There is a lot that I can do tonight to take care of myself. And none of it involves sex, booze, shopping, the Internet or other addictions that I deal with.

Writing this post is a process. I started off in despair, and I realized that I could do something about it.

You've come a long way. I wish you luck and independence!
Do you live with or nearby your parents? You should seriously move state.