My life dreams have died today.

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The woman who gave me this information yesterday called and said that if I took any education, even if it is related to my job, she would have to report it and I would lose my SSDI benefits. She is the secretary at my payee's office, and she is a f*****g worthless c**t.

The woman who handles my finances is easy to work with. This f*****g worthless c**t assumes that I have severe intellectual disabilities, and treats me accordingly, dismissive of my attempts to stand up for myself in the wake of that, telling me that I am overly sheltered and that my problems are not real problems. I don't talk to her about my problems because I generally do keep my problems to myself IRL - that was just her response when I told her that I cannot support myself without the help of SSDI and my supported work environment. What a worthless c**t she is. She probably has never been taken advantage of before in her entire life, that stuck-up c**t.

Sipping on rum and Coke, listening to the Geto Boys, watching the hours pass, sitting on my bed.

This is not how I want to live my life, true. I am very drunk right now, and very resentful, and very angry, and overloaded with self-pity.

Guess I will finish the bottle I started this morning (I may as well finish it, I am already more than halfway through the fifth of Captain Morgan, no use turning back now), and start again tomorrow.

I probably will order a pizza later tonight. I have not had anything to eat over the last 48 hours. Have not felt like eating.

And now, I officially have no social life left.

Most of the voicemails and texts I sent out the last 24 hours went by completely ignored. The few people who did bother to respond decided to make an outright mockery of my frustration.

I am never attending another 12-step meeting in this lifetime, and all 12-steppers who I used to think were friends are now no longer a part of my life. Most of the numbers that used to be on my speed dial are now on my block list.

I guess it's back to porn and booze for me, they are far more faithful companions and they will never mock me for their own amusement.

sometimes mocking is not meant to hurt, but to enlighten. you were over-reacting (and still are). perhaps they were trying to get you to lighten up. please don't write off your best bet at a long, happy, healthy life. stay in touch with AA and some friends. i am in college and on SSDI. i just got re-evaluated and am still in both programs.

I am willing to bury myself now.

And able.

A week from now, I might very well be forgotten.

Of I could take the slower route to oblivion with marijuana and alcohol and nonstop video gaming. That route sounds more fun to me.

I am going to bed in a few minutes, I want to remain there and never wake up again. Last night, I dreamed that I was living on a beautiful piece of ocean front property that was my own. Dreams are more fun than reality. I want to eternally live in my dreams.

Calm down dude. Life's not ending, it may seem like it, but that's just your perception f*****g with you. Once you've accepted that fact: find something to do, because non-stop booze, pot, video gaming, and any other vice you have is just going to make you feel even emptier inside. And ya know what, I know you know this at your age. It's a matter of when you want to stop. Sorry if I sound tough, but you've said it yourself-- you're knee-deep in self-pity, sometimes people need helped with a little foot up ass for motivation.

As for your social circle, you'd be amazed at how many people will take a person back when that person has decided to start caring about themselves again.

edit: grammar.

I do need motivation. Right now, I am praying for eternal sleep, just fading away into a dream world, never waking up again.

That world will be far from eternal. It'll vanish when the hardware running it dies.

The worst part, however, is that nothing in there can surprise you, since you're the one creating it. It'll get real boring real quickly.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I could cure cancer, and people around me would still doubt my intelligence.

Do things for yourself, not for others.. you'll be a LOT happier that way.

Yeah, I have to accept that most of the people around me will continuously apply the r-word against me, no matter what I do and no matter what I manage to pull off.

How do I want to live my life despite that? I don't know.