My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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Thank you. I'm using this thread to vent since I have no one irl to talk to. Part of me wishes there was someone who kick his ass and knock some sense into him. I keep reading those without remorse or are using it as and end affair, where looking for an out. If that's the case then I am mad. He could fought for our relationship at any time, but chose not too. Just like now, he tucks his tail and runs away from difficult situations. This woman seems to be feeding his ego and keeping him from seeing what a dumbass he's being.

Meanwhile I am enjoying the effects of alcohol and anti-anxiety meds. I don't want to die, but I'll be damned if I want to feel pain right now.

venting is good. talking here is even better! i always find when i write things down the text helps me order my thoughts, maybe it will be of help to you too?
no matter what tho, please try and take care of you and let your emotions do what they need to...suspect you are on a rollercoaster just now...but least you have this place to come and unburden and share your pain n thoughts.

all's i will say is, do be careful of mixing meds and alcohol. i know you need to feel numb but please, stay safe as well?

: )

Let me start this off by saying I don't think emotional 'cheating' is really cheating. I think cheating is whatever you want it to be between two partners depending on what boundaries you originally had.

That being said.

The secrets, the backlash, the arrogance and petty behavior. He's probably not just "emotionally" cheating on you, let me put it that way. If it was really just a friend he wouldn't have hidden it because friends aren't anything more than friends. He's doing something more and to be honest, you should probably start looking into what it means to get divorced. I'm not saying that's your only option, but in my own terms, if someone cheated on me it's over. Forever.

I'm glad you're feeling more angry about this now.

I'm kind of bouncing back and forth between shell-shocked and rage. One article about emotional affairs likens them to an addiction. Being as half of his texts and a third of his calls have been to her, well....

I sort of want to shake some sense into him. Tell him he's in a fog, of course she seems so wonderful and our life together doesn't seem worth saving. He's taking the easy way out, damn the consequences.

I wonder if he's giving her glowing reviews to his family and friends. I wonder if he will introduce her to his mom while she's in town this week.

Is he so self-absorbed he can't see how big of a schmuck this makes him look? But if everyone he is talking to right now are encouraging him rather than trying to talk him down, I can't even think about it.

The not knowing is the excruciating part. So many questions with no one to ask. Can't ask his friends, can't ask his family. His mother has flat out said she won't tell me what they talk about.

Who's in my corner?

Even the cats are depressed and acting out. They're eating less and attacking each other. They know something is up.

So there is a .00001% chance the "just friends" secret relationship has not drifted into romantic territory.

I went with my mother-in-law to visit Frank in the hospital. She's known him and his family for decades. I kept it together, keeping up with the conversations between MIL, Frank, and Frank's wife. A little choked up at times as my husband's name came up. Frank was grateful for all the support my husband has given him. Called him his brother.

It wasn't until my MIL mentioned that my husband and his co-worker had both been taking turns babysitting Frank's 6 year old son. I love kids that age and was hurt my husband hadn't invited me to help. Apparently they went hiking and have gone other places.

I broke down. MIL left the room and I confided in Frank that hubby was having what I thought was a EA with their friend Ashley. Frank said he didn't know how far their relationship has gone but he did know my husband was very unhappy at home and overwhelmed with stress. The whole accident thing was one of those life changing moments for him.

I understood that. I knew I am the cause of so much of his grief and stress. But Frank said he does care for me and to have faith. He had found a sympathetic ear in this woman to express all his troubles.

What my husband doesn't realize is that the secret relationship crossed boundaries. All the things he needed to talk about should have been with his wife or a counselor. And based on how often my husband IM's her, I seriously think he's addicted to her. She's the first person he talks to in the morning and last at night. It may be a relief for him to talk to someone, but the relationship is far from healthy. And who is this woman to let a married man be so dependent on her? An attractive vulnerable man with marriage problems needs her day and night?

I hope I never meet her. Because yes I am uncivilized enough to deck her.

So many questions.

So went to a counselor. Turns out hubby only came to help explain my problems. Oh and to announce he is not moving back in. I kept trying to bring up the affair but got cut off by both counselor and hubby. counselor said whatever is going on with the EA is between us. He was just going to work on my issues and he thinks he can help. He did ask hubby if I were back to being "happy" as my husband thinks I should be, would he reconsider his stance on our marriage. He said yes. Not sure I believe him.

I gave him a book called Not Just Friends. He took it but I don't know if he'll read it. Remember kids, everything wrong in our lives is my fault.

I said I still think he needs individual counseling. He asked the guy about it. May be he will.

Disappointed this wasn't a couples session. I think I may have to find a regular marriage counselor.

He did buy me a birthday card, the kind you'd get for a kid or casual friend. He wrote "Have a good one."
No presents. I asked about HER. I insinuated he's addicted to her attention. I asked if he is developing romantic feelings for her. He said he couldn't say (so yes).

At least he remembered to order my birthday cake before all this went down. His mom picked it up and is now cooking dinner.

(((pinkfeelingblue)))

Have a hug... It's not much but it's the least I can offer

Lady, you don't need counseling.

You need a lawyer.

Don't drag this out.

You need to change the locks on your house, visit your bank, and call a divorce lawyer asap. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and your property. Trust me on this - my ex cleaned out our bank accounts the day after we split up.

When Fnord and I are on the same side, it's time to listen.

To the OP...

Set up new bank accounts in another town under your middle and maiden names, and put all of your money there. Have your paychecks direct-deposited there, too.

Set up a PO box in another town under your middle and maiden names, and have all of your bank statements sent there.

Set up a safety-deposit box in a different bank in a different town under your middle and maiden names, and place all of your important documents and heirlooms inside.

Cut up all of your credit cards and close out the accounts. Apply for new cards under your middle and maiden names. Use the PO box for your address.

Change you cell phone number, or get another cell phone to use ONLY for talking to your lawyer, your banks, and no one else.

... and tell no-one except your lawyer!

In my opinion, your husband is a narcissistic sociopath who gets his jollies by manipulating others and turning them against you. Get out while you can!

Good luck.

Last edited by Fnord on 10 May 2016, 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Also kick the mother-in-law out of your house. Perhaps she can go stay with Ashley.

The mother-in-law will NOT remain neutral! Eventually, she will reveal her true intentions when she testifies on behalf of her son against the OP.

NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY ARE 'NEUTRAL' IN A SEPARATION OR DIVORCE!

...

During my divorce, I told each of our mutual 'friends' a different story, and found out that each one of them was reporting back to my ex everything that I'd said. My ex was so confused over the conflicting stories, that she actually called me to find out which one was true.

Of course, I told her that I'd never spoken to any of her friends. From then on, I didn't.

My ex took all my friends out to dinner to get them on his side.

As above