How can I get over a shameful past and forgive myself?

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Another thing is, is that my loved ones, tell me I put way too much pressure on myself, trying to practice making movies, and making up for lost time, to the point where I don't even get enough sleep... They say that putting pressure on myself is bad, but I don't know how else to push myself to get better in such a short amount of time.

life is unfair. some of us take an entire lifetime to barely learn the rudiments of what other people learn right off the bat. we are not all equal in a cognitive sense. the big question, is what is the ultimate purpose of this inequality? that is what I've been trying to figure out.

Unfortunately this is true Don't ask what the purpose is. Ask instead, what is the cause?

I'm unable to determine whether higher intelligence is something they're born with or whether they achieved through an act of will.

If the former, I am blameless for not emulation their propensity for intelligence. If the latter, then it's all my fault that I'm like this.

I read a few decades back, this Israeli psychologist was convinced that much of intelligence was related to one's attitude towards life, if one was naturally energetic and curious, or not. I have not read any such by other experts who repeated this. but it pertains to the old nature versus nurture argument. If there is no nature, then there can be nothing to nurture, so nature comes first in my book. things always seemed to come to my siblings a LOT easier than to me, as the baby of the family, I feel I got the cognitive leftovers. every time I tried to nurture my intelligence I ended up getting distracted or falling asleep.

I guess it depends on whether you're measuring success on sheer intelligence. I'm sure we all have special interests, things we can work on tirelessly and feel compelled to get it done!!

I think the secret of successful people is that they can make themselves feel that way about any task. Their task becomes their special interest for the sole reason that it's their task.

I can't do that so I reeally have to push myself to get things done, while fighting distraction from things I actually do feel compelled to do (must read next article, etc).

IOW what passes for most of intelligence in the perception of most folks, is a combination of 1]no addlements, and 2]ENERGY. some people have LOTS of energy that never flags, most of us make do with a strictly limited amount of energy ["spoons"] that if we exceed our daily allotment then we are in energy debt sometimes for days or weeks or months or years even ["adrenal exhaustion"].

Guys like that get promoted to your boss and then they expect you to have as much energy as they do. They can't understand why you don't have as much energy as they do because they've never known anything else.

I don't mind working 8 hours per day but I have to pace myself. I struggle in my attempts to work flat out for those 8 hours. For my boss that's just a normal day and he thinks I should be the same.

it has been my experience that people gifted with abundant energy can be real brassholes. I avoid such people.

I can't. They keep getting promoted to management positions.

due to adrenal exhaustion from dealing with aforementioned brassholes and their aiders/abetters, I have had to be a hermit out in the woods away from people living in poverty. I hope you manage to avoid aspie burnout.

It's hard enough for me to avoid the temptation to become a workaholic. I keep thinking if I become a workaholic it will raise my self-esteem.

you have to ask yourself, who is it helping if you work yourself to the bone?