So difficult

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hurtloam
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26 Aug 2018, 4:48 pm

Spiderpig wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Mythos wrote:

It's not a race, and relationships aren't as fun as they appear on television shows or in films, on people's Facebook posts or out in public. I envy you for still being single so don't concern yourself because I think people in relationships also have "bachelor / bachelorette envy". In reality, it's nice to be free and relationships aren't like that at all, they're the opposite.

I think bouts of casual dating would be nice. You'll find numerous people, and eventually you'll find the one.

It'll be fine in the end.

It's not a race but hurtloam is not immortal either. She is not a teen and she's not getting any younger, so her concern is justified.

In other words, it is a race.

A race against the grave...

Or a race against not turning into someone who only talks about mortgages and sofas.

The_Face_of_Boo
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27 Aug 2018, 2:09 am

Well, if you put it like this...yeah, it's a race.

SabbraCadabra
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27 Aug 2018, 5:02 am

hurtloam wrote:

I can be talkative with the right people. I'm not always stand offish and quiet.

Selective mutism? Or just anxiety in general?

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hurtloam
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27 Aug 2018, 6:14 am

SabbraCadabra wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

I can be talkative with the right people. I'm not always stand offish and quiet.

Selective mutism? Or just anxiety in general?

I think it's selective mutism. I just don't have any words to say.

A related thing is when I was in school I couldn't answer up even though I knew the answer. I found I hard to pull the words together. I think in vague concepts rather than in words. I can understand a thing well, but I have to perform mental gymnastics to put it into words. It's difficult to form words, especially when I'm tired or anxious.

SabbraCadabra
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27 Aug 2018, 6:01 pm

hurtloam wrote:

I think it's selective mutism. I just don't have any words to say.

I think that's why I like Internet girls. I can get comfortable chatting with them before we even meet.

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sly279
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27 Aug 2018, 11:48 pm

SabbraCadabra wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

I think it's selective mutism. I just don't have any words to say.

I think that's why I like Internet girls. I can get comfortable chatting with them before we even meet.

2-3 weeks of chating online first always helped me open up and seem confident I guess. However most women in dating sites want to meet up after few messages it seems.

hurtloam
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28 Aug 2018, 1:48 am

The thing that really hurts about this is I found someone who I was comfortable with who was affectionate towards me and genuinely seemed to like me.

After waiting so long for something like that, he felt the need to tell me we were just friends.
I'm just so hurt. Not so much by him. If he has no feelings for me then fine. But it just seems that no one ever likes me and that hurts so much. Why am I sub standard?

I had a dream last night that I met him and he was going out with someone prettier than me. I feel rotten today.

cberg
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28 Aug 2018, 1:53 am

IMO no one is substandard, it's that no one has figured out any kind of humane standards.

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Spiderpig
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28 Aug 2018, 3:05 am

hurtloam wrote:

I'm just so hurt. Not so much by him. If he has no feelings for me then fine. But it just seems that no one ever likes me and that hurts so much. Why am I sub standard?

I had a dream last night that I met him and he was going out with someone prettier than me. I feel rotten today.

Do you think he's spending a comparable amount of his time thinking of you, even in dreams? I'm sure you have much better things to devote yours to.

So he's going out with someone prettier than you? There must be a lot of men out there who'd like to help you get over him. They may be more substandard than you, though.

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HighLlama
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28 Aug 2018, 3:47 am

hurtloam wrote:

You are far from substandard, hurtloam. Did you look up emotional flashbacks, like I mentioned? This kind of situation is probably (unconsciously) reminding you of all the times you felt you had to be perfect to please your mom. What you're experiencing with this guy is hard, but the pain and discomfort will become magnified by all those bad things from the past.

elsapelsa
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28 Aug 2018, 4:04 am

High Llama gives good advice above.

I am sorry things didn't work out with this guy. However, it is very possible that the reasons this guy didn't want a relationship were all about him and not about you. You are not sub-standard. From the basis of 'here' you are great.

I always though of it as a balance between needs and wants. If you really need something you have limited options to choose as you just go for whatever is most readily available. If your needs are filled then you can focus, with a clear head, on what you really want.

Be someone who takes care of yourself and who is self sufficient and who can be the master of your own happiness and fulfilment. Then it will be clear what you really want from a partner. Then you will also be more attractive to a partner because they will know you are choosing them specifically for who they are and for what they can contribute to you as opposed to just to fulfil a need.

.... and for the relentless "women want money, fame and glory" men out there... when I write contribute I don't mean wealth, a certain job or certain material assets. I mean qualities (such as patience, passion, interests, and intellect.)

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SabbraCadabra
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28 Aug 2018, 4:40 am

hurtloam wrote:

But it just seems that no one ever likes me and that hurts so much. Why am I sub standard?

Maybe it would help if your name was "happysand" instead of "hurtdirt"?? :oops:

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hurtloam
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28 Aug 2018, 5:00 am

SabbraCadabra wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

But it just seems that no one ever likes me and that hurts so much. Why am I sub standard?

Maybe it would help if your name was "happysand" instead of "hurtdirt"?? :oops:

It is happy sand

Quote:

Hurtloam is a thick brown mud with healing properties. It shines as though tiny shards of gold dwell inside it. It feels cool and soothing to the touch, absorbing pain. After it dries the shininess disappears as its healing properties are all used up. Any major type of hurt or injury causes sleepiness in the wounded in order to quicken the healing process.

SabbraCadabra
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28 Aug 2018, 5:10 am

First impressions =(

...on a separate note, now I have the Fraggle Rock theme stuck in my head...

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hurtloam
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28 Aug 2018, 12:55 pm

HighLlama wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

You know what. When I was reading about flashbacks it actually made me think about school and dealing with teachers.

hurtloam
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28 Aug 2018, 12:57 pm

elsapelsa wrote:

Be someone who takes care of yourself and who is self sufficient and who can be the master of your own happiness and fulfilment. Then it will be clear what you really want from a partner. Then you will also be more attractive to a partner because they will know you are choosing them specifically for who they are and for what they can contribute to you as opposed to just to fulfil a need.

.... and for the relentless "women want money, fame and glory" men out there... when I write contribute I don't mean wealth, a certain job or certain material assets. I mean qualities (such as patience, passion, interests, and intellect.)

I've been doing that for years and no one has turned up.

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