I am a MESS

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I am so glad you're doing a bit better, well done!

Keep us updated with how you're doing over the next few months if you'd like.

You're valued and loved here

I'm glad you - and things - are getting better Take care of Yourself

You are in my thoughts Blazingstar.

Thanks again for all the good words. I worked with clients this morning and rested in the afternoon. My husband and I have talked and he is more than supportive of my cutting back my work and aiming toward retirement.

I have some thoughts, but my mind generally turns into a pumpkin around 8 pm, but I will try in the morning when I am more alert.

THE PROCESS OF GETTING OUT OF THE PIT

I am going to try to articulate a process which helps me get out of the pit. It is what I try to describe when posters ask how to get out of a pit, but this process fades if I am not in it. So I am trying to write it down before I forget.

When someone proposes a concrete solution to a problem - take it if at all possible. At least it is doing something else, instead of over and over the same things that don't work. The easiest example here, I think, is when Persephone suggested I do one progress note in the morning and one progress note in the evening until they are done.

My first thought is: Well, that won't work. Taking the well worn path of failure.

Second thought: Well, could I make this work somehow?. First step forward.

3rd: Count number of clients and divide by two...well That's not going to work. Back to failure again. Excuses can be anything. In this case it was there are too many clients to be finished by the end of the month, OR, but there are more progress notes than clients. But it could be anything. Anything that proves why this is impossible.

4th: Well, getting SOME notes done is better than NO notes done. Maybe I should try it. Ah, HAH! another step forward.

5th: But I don't work well that way. I like to sit down and just keep doing them until they are done. Back to the path of failure.

6th: See #4.

7th: OK, I'll try it. I get two clients done the first morning and then go on to other things. Back on the path to health.

8th: (Next morning) I forgot to the do the evening progress notes last night. This is NEVER going to work. For one thing, in the evenings, my mind loses it focus, so I won't be able to do it and I am never going to get these done and I am a failure again.

9th: (Evening, same day) Sweetie (I say to my husband), I'd love to watch a movie with you, but I have to do at least one progress note beforehand. I do the progress note and watch the movie. I get an inside glimmer that maybe this is going to work out after all.

So far...so good.

I empathise a lot with how your mind works

I'm so glad you're doing better!

There is sometimes only one way - report the problems and reduce your workload radically even if this causes time line problems to others. Once they in trouble because of this they learn to worship your work more. This gives you better arguments once it comes to payments and getting help. Who always does anything may be a great worker but becomes rarely worshipped because of this. Mostly those people are ignored or get even a higher and higher workload to do. Try to sleep more and do something nice for yourself. A burnout of you doesn't helps you nor your company.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

Two steps forward and one step back.

The progress on the progress notes is going well, I am pleased to say. I was feeling rested, but did not sleep well last night, after going back to work on Monday.

I thought I was prepared but clearly I am not. Today has been very stressful. The State Agency has required us to make an audit of addresses with a deadline. The only point of this audit is to have the addresses all correct for when they send out the legal notices of the change in the program. It is not on my priority list.

I care deeply about how this change is going to affect my clients and am spending hours each day on sending out explanations or talking on the phone with people to help them advocate to keep their own advocate. I don't want to spend this time, because I suspect it is futile and I am just going to lose my job. But I do it because I care. But then it is all futile also because I cannot always be there to help. At some point, someone else has to pick up to load.

I am trying to finish the ridiculous amount of paperwork required for clients to get new services they need, but even as I work on that, new requests some in faster than I can write them down. I had intended to have my office manager handle all my calls today, but he was delayed coming in to work and by the time he was ready to go I was sunk into my work and forgot.

So, I am quitting to work on "work" now. Will try to cook some dinner and have a restful evening.

@quite an extreme: I appreciate your input and you are correct. I am trying to delegate as much as I can. Unfortunately, I am the boss and the buck stops here.

@amity: Very good points. I do not have any free time planned, although I no longer work evenings. And I have not gotten into the canoe. Even over the weekend, when I had time, it seems so hard to do something, even something that I enjoy. I can paddle right in the little pond in front of my house. Although I can't go anywhere, I can practice the particular strokes used to control a solo canoe in white water. And I do want to do that. Just can't quite make myself do it. Suggestions?

My husband and I are planning to go to Juniper Springs and paddle that creek a couple of times one weekend in March. And we have an extended trip planned in the Yukon in July. Thank you for asking. And I mean that.

I get locked up like that too, for want of a better term I do feel it describes the experience around therapeutic activities when I'm too stressed out.

I think once it's like that for me it's got to run its course, I dont know how to break through it or if I should push it, it has to pass.

Even if we cant address our anxiety/health with mind or emotional approaches. There is always the management route through the body.

Im guessing that feeling the resistance of the water with the paddle could help you with rebalancing your sensory system, it's more mechanical to do it in the pond but still should be internally regulating.

If you have a warm up routine, maybe you could do some extra resistance training as part of it, exercises to sooth your vestibular and proprioceptive systems, even if you don't go near water afterwards. It could be like preparation for the day you actually get out in the canoe.

My thinking is that deep pressure or exercises that promote arm and upper body strength could act as a partial release for you mentally and physically.
With the stress response firing, tension in our muscles is a precursor to movement, on a mental and physical level that tension needs to be released and maybe taking a mind-body approach could help... a massage is ideal, or a soak in an Epsom salt bath, if you have a foam exercise roller and use it for stretching your back/legs followed by a hot shower that might help either.

Thank you amity. I will try working on some upper body exercises.

I am hanging in there. Sometimes one just has to work hard and focus on getting the job done.

^ So nice to touch electrons with someone who also loves Juniper Springs. You grew up near a lot of beautiful Florida Rivers.

For those who don't know, Juniper Springs run is pristine. No one is allowed to even stick a toe in. Its clarity of the water and the verdant canopy make it the spirit of wild Florida.

I am still chugging along. My office manager just gave 2 weeks notice. I am glad he has some place else to go as he is still young.

I hope you can hire someone else.

How is everything else coming along?

^ I was just thinking about you.

A little progress. A little panic.

One family copied me today on a letter they sent to the governor and legislators which was very complementary of my work. That was nice.