so.... i've decided to give up on life. . . .

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I find it interesting that many of us can relate to you. I myself went through an identical scenario in 2002 by 'giving up' and deciding on a day a few months in the future to end my torment.

Since then I've discovered asperger's and the resulting depression and anxiety as very real conditions in my life. I was dx'ed with ADD 10 years ago and know that I have matched the symptoms of AS most of my life. Getting a dx for me is over rated since I'm long out of school. If I walk, talk, and act like a duck, I'm probably a duck. I'm just glad I've found a name for this condition and that it doesn't mean my life has to suck.

End result was after waiting a few months, new opportunities presented themselves I never foresaw. I've since gotten my scuba certificate and rescue dive certificate; have traveled to Fiji, Roatan, Hawaii, Bonaire, Cancun, among other places to dive. I improved my job situation by starting my own business. And today, although I still struggle with depression in the winter months, my life is good.

So Trewissick, know that it is always darkest before the dawn. You are no accident and in this school of life you are about to make one of your biggest learning curves. Just know that your not alone. More will be revealed as long as you stay in the game. If I can turn around in the state I was in (for years) then anyone can.

personally, trewissich, I'd suggest you'd stick it out. I know I can be harsh sometimes, but I wouldn't like to advocate somone taking their life.

If you do end your life, you may miss a thousand new opportunities, some of which may help you out of your depression.

take care, and i hope you find happiness.

trewissick – Thanks for the PM.

I keep hearing that connection between “I can’t cope any more” and suicide, and I wonder. I don't make that connection. I just shut down. I wonder what a free-range Aspie would do. Is that a natural connection, or another cultural imposition? Why should I internalize their hatred?

I sent an e-mail to my sister-in-law with basically the same message as my first “Catatonic” post. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt91016.html
She has been a nurse, clinic administrator, women's-issues-counselor type jobs. Baffling, how she skipped over the basic point, the need-diagnosis, need-job stuff and started in about the need-counseling-for-anger theme. Baffling, how they skip over the main, obvious stuff. Is it “I can’t imagine a solution, so let’s pretend there’s no problem?” As I said to her, "who said anything about anger?" I'm going to post a modified version of that thought in my thread.

I'm having trouble explaining, but I don't believe connections like that are truly ours. I don't know how to do a scientific survey on something so subjective and obscure. If I could think of how to frame it, WP would be the place for that question.

I imagine it’s the same with suicide. Being pushed into a corner, with nowhere to go, no options, was the story of my childhood. When you have no options, you just have no options and you just stay there. For years. That’s all. You just stay there. Suicide never entered my mind when I was a kid. Even now, it seems so foreign. And it would take so much energy. Maybe I don’t understand the feeling. Is it a strong, loud, fighting feeling, or a soft, quiet, hopeless feeling? They say that our only choices are between fight and flight. I don’t buy it. Can we add to that menu? How about “shutdown” or “rethink" or "rebound?” I would not be surprised to hear a few other options from Aspies.

For a long time, I called my car “a pocketbook on wheels.” It was packed with tons of clutter – stuff that I imagined I might need someday. I’d forgotten about that. I guess I just grew out of it. I think Mechanima’s interpretation is closer to the truth.

I know for a fact that’s not true in my case. I didn’t ask for this cage or this corrupt culture. This Age-of-Bullshit. I don’t believe that this is normal or natural. It’s about what “runs downhill” in a fascist regime. They’re running out of scapegoats. We might just be their last hope. No way are they going to give us up without a fight.
Hmmm… I’ve heard that “turning grief into rage” is what separates us from the animals. That, in our evolutionary history, learning that trick – the transformation from prey to predator – is when we became primitive humans. And that the next step is above both predator and prey.

Well, find GOOD people to talk to. The lower life forms only make it worse.
But yes, those basics do make a big difference.

WHAT a great post!!

(Did I mention the "clutter" or is that just evidence of telepathy? )

I think that is just another example of the level of communication breakdown between us and the rest of the world...we say one thing, they hear another...and, who knows? Maybe vice versa?

An Aspie is most likely to commit, or consider suicide because they cannot see a way, or reason to remain alive...as far as I can see, an NT is just as likely to commit suicide out of anger or revenge, which is really too illogical for most Aspies to even grasp, isn't it?

I 2nd that!

Thank you, thank you. (*takes a bow*) I’ll be here all week.

I’d like to thank… well, I have no one to thank, actually. No one has ever done a damn thing for me. The rest of the world pretty much sucks. If I ever write that book, the acknowledgment page will say… ummm, maybe what I want to say is not fit to print.

Buy you guys are inspiration. It makes such a difference, being able to bounce thoughts off each other.

It’s that “Theory of Mind” thing that they so desperately don’t want us to have. Newsflash: mine is more highly developed than theirs. That’s why I understand them most of the time, while they never understand me. And they never even try.

Oh, Malcolm X, why did you leave us?

You don't deserve to die. You should seek mental help immediately!! !

But from who, and where?

Fo' real...

take it from someone whos had alot of experience. you really shouldnt resort to that. firstly because you never die until you're meant to die. ive tried about 5 times and realised it simply just isnt my time to go. theres always things you can do, ALWAYS. you might feel stuck now, but doesnt everyone have an alltime low in their lives? secondly, and this might sound really harsh but its the truth, suicide is a cowards way out. sorry for how that mightve sounded to some people but remember that there are always people who have it alot worse than you. remember the saying that what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

other solutions could be to let yourself numb down.
if your suggesting what it seems like your suggesting, then i think that lots of suffering is better than nothing of nothing.

people always expect there to be something better "on the other side", at best "some rest", but "good stuff" and "rest" are concepts of the living, and nobody else.

I tried my one and only attempt on a Friday night in October 1981, before my 18th birthday.

I failed, and everything eventually got better. But it took a long, awful time.

Simple as that. No light at the end of the tunnel, then it just blinds you.

I didn't get over it, I changed as a person and the feelings, the desire, vanished. I used to think about it on and off, upto the early 1990's.

So life doesn't get better just like that. You have to get out, make change and get hurt. Things could get worse in life before they get better.

Autism London should not have forsaken you, you should go along to their meetings. Also the new Ladbroke Grove Autism centre? I used to lead the social group there. Get onto the Nas helpline or just plain email their site to contact the place. Get meeting people, and to Hell with dysfunctional communication. Just do it.

Keep talking on here. Keep doing new things, keep on annoying people. Keep on breathing!

Thing about suicide is that it is permanent. You don't get to change your mind and find a solution to life in the future, find things get better. You check out there and then and miss all of that.

Good luck mate. x

Please call the NAS, or contact them via their website contact section. They're a fantastic organisation who might well be able to give you some advice on aproaching your GP. Now most people think GP's are only for physical problems. A good GP can be a gateway to a LOT of valuable services, including those specific to people with an ASD.

Being as your in London, you should be pretty close to some of the best Autism professionals in the country, and it's your right to demand a refferal to see one of them. There's a professor at Sheffield Hallam University ( I know this is quite a way away) called Digby Tantam who specialises in ASD dx. His services cost about £400-500 I think. First try your GP, if you don't get along well with them then see another at the surgery or even change surgeries like I have just done.

Explain that your getting nowhere with this currant psych and you would like to be reffered to an ASD specialist and is there one in the area (there should be).

Talk to your GP just as you have talked in this post, even print your post out and show them, it's a good expression of just how hard things are for you at the moment.
They might want to run a few physical tests to make sure your physicaly well, as a lot of physical problems can cause you to feel this way too.

ASD dx can take a LONG ass time, I was diagnosed with AS at age 12, after years of speculation. You really need to get seen my a psychiatrist who specialises in Autism & ASD's, this way they will already have a base knowledge of it. I fully understand the feeling of being stuck on a robotic phone line, life can be equally as fustrating.

Please don't give up, or at least give yourself a bit more time. The system is stacked against people with an ASD simply because we aspies are so well spoken. I've struggled all my life with so called help as my IQ was genious level when I was a child, not what you'd expect from someone needing a lot of support.

We fit neither into learning disability or mental health, leaving us in a tricky grey area where it can be very hard to access things. The fact you are eligable for disability benefits should REALLY go in your favor, that means someone, somewhere agrees that you need that money for a valid problem.

Start there, get in contact with the NAS here http://www.nas.org.uk/ and make an appointment to speak to your GP. When you call the surgery ask if they have anyone there who has an understanding of Autism, if they do, book with them. Your GP can have a lot of sway in getting you reffered onto the right sort of help, even if they don't understand ASD's, they have a duty to reffer you to someone who does. Some surgeries have a counselling service too, sometimes it can be very helpful just to go along and talk over these issues with another human face to face. Ask if there is a counselling service at your surgery.

If all else fails, then going private to someone like Digby Tantam might be your best way forward. If you can raise the money, then I'd go for that. It cuts out the middle man and you'll have access straight to the experts where you will receive your dx if you do indeed have Autism. The NHS is a great asset to the UK, but sadly falls short in the ASD area. Some GP's are fantastic and I hope and prey you can find one who will listen to you.

trewissick , I also hate the fact that Aspergers makes it very difficult for me to have a normal job, relationship and life. I have also had much suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Please don't listen to the insensitive comments by some posters here, because I know what it's like. I often have difficulty doing the simplest everyday tasks because of depression. But I know that the times when I say "I want to die" and threaten suicide, either to another person or internally, they are my moments of weakness - they are not what I REALLY think.

I don't have a magic solution, but I am just offering you can talk to me, in PM if you wish, because I am also struggling with Aspergers and depression.

trewissick - lots of other people have given lots of practical info on the AS/diagnosis front, and I won't attempt to add to that.

What I will say is:

The sheer number of replies on here (kind, compassionate replies, ignoring the few idiots) is surely proof in itself that there are plenty of people who care about you and who want to see you stay in this world.

And...while my experience is bound not to have been exactly like yours (because we all have different lives and circumstances), I've been in a similar place. I'm still here. It took tiny, tiny steps to get out of that place, and for a long time they didn't feel like they were getting me far...but tiny steps add up. If there's even one little thing you can see that might move you in a direction away from giving up and towards finding hope in living...please try and find that and hold onto it.

(If you can get it, I would also recommend this book. It wasn't around when I was going through my darkest times, but I would undoubtedly have found it helpful if it had been: http://web.mac.com/katebornstein/iWeb/H ... 0Blog.html )

Whatever...please, hang on in there. Things will get better. It will be very, very hard right now for you to trust anyone who says that, but they will.

You don't deserve to die. And you don't deserve to be shut down and almost destroyed and in pain, like you are right now. Please look for help.