scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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8

What are you healing?

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

5.

i like hebrew

-10

This year was wasted. I want to end along with it.

5 now that i am drunk and calmer. Self medicating with alcohol is probably not good though.

8.5

I recently resolved some process problems w/ the material I work with & the net result is that my work is looking fantastique!

Now I just need to keep this up And work on my speed & 2020 will be much more prosperous than 2019.

And 2019 wasn’t terrible, either. Likely a personal best in terms of earnings. Paid the bills, paid off my motorcycle and gear, spoiled people rotten over Christmas as I spent nearly $3k on gifts annnnd I’m still in the black to end the year - no debt to pay off except for my last ~9 car payments. So then my expenses will fall as my income rises and I’ll be making progress towards my goals much, much, quicker. Bring on 2020 and a bigger bank account already!

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

-5 Regretting saying I was going to start looking for a place of my own come January. All right, I admit it - I'm scared to start living on my own. I'm alternating between thinking I'm ready to have a stab at it and thinking I'm completely unprepared. If I had some way to ease into it, that would be better. I did survive four and a half years living in a college dorm, which was close to independent living... but then again I hadn't had ECT then so I didn't have my memory issues, and I didn't have any problems with eating like I do now. I just don't know if I'm ready, and the only way to find out is to try it, and that scares me because I'm afraid I'll find out the hard way that I'm not.

-10
I give up, I can't do it anymore... The noise of Houston has defeated me. I gave it 8 years to cope with trying to live in this area and nothing works, medication, noise canceling headphones and ear buds, therapy, I guess this is it for me.

I guess the only thing I can hope for at this point is some kind of miracle. My mother already said there are pretty much no alternatives so why fight any longer? I won't commit suicide but, I guess I'll just exist.

1.25 - dreading the new year and the hidden horrors to be revealed.

-5929


just ugh

7. I told my old coworker that i am looking for a job. She said she would like to work with me. I'll talk with her tomorrow. I hope everything turns out alright.

I do not know, but I do ponder something else.
A memory of sorts, over a decade old, from one of my darkest moments.


It doesn't matter what I feel. It doesn't matter how depressed I've been. It doesn't even matter how much I want to end any suffering...
Ever since that very day I had once had a serious temptation of wanting to die -- it was also the very last one ever.

The very reason why I'll never take suicide for an option...
It was that strange feeling, as soon as I had contemplated on taking my own life at that very moment, coming from all directions... All the good, all the bad, all what's beyond that and the nothing.

There was no external intervention. I was just alone with myself that every moment.

It wasn't some heartful epiphany and the memories of good and what could have.
It wasn't just the call of the guilty and remorseful, nor the hopeful and optimistic.
It wasn't just the instinct's fear of clinging to life, nor the cowardice.
It wasn't only just even the pride's ringing of not stooping this low, nor the humble one's gratitude of life.
Not even reasons and thoughts both real and unreal, logical and illogical, significant and petty.
It's not only even love or resentment. It's just isn't just.


It's just... Something echoed. Something beyond myself even, as if it's Everything. Literally. In all directions.
Whatever it was, it overwhelmed me.

It didn't changed my world view, it didn't gave me any boost of self esteem or any 'reason', it didn't gave me any clarity. There's no major changes except one:
"That taking my own life would be the very last option I'd take or even consider."
This very statement had been now embedded on my very being...

Ever since that very day, that very moment... I had never, ever contemplated on taking my own life again -- no matter how low I got, no matter how insignificant I deem myself as, no matter how pointless and worthless...
Even losing the fear of death, even losing the meaning of life. No matter how painful, how numb, how chaotic and how monotonous...

And thus why my 'motivation' of keep on living.. Is literally everything and nothing at the same time.



I still entirely don't understand why...

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