scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-7 Ah, there's the horrible-feeling sort of depression (instead of the emotionally-numbed kind) trying to creep in.

5. I think I'm coming down with another cold.

3

-2

roommate eats 80% of the food and expects me to pay for half.

-7 Wondering if there really is any hope for me or if I'm just going to stay living with my parents for the rest of my life with the threat of having to be hospitalized for mental health reasons constantly looming over my head. Thinking again about the program I applied for before and was rejected by for not having a job (after we went to an informational meeting during which they said they worked with job coaches to help people get jobs and made a big deal about having a 100% employment rate, then when I applied they turned around and (two months later, I might add) said that having a job was mandatory for the program), how they don't want the people who would benefit most from the assistance, all they're after is people who will be a good face for the program. Wondering if any place at all would take me once they found out about my history of self-harm and on-and-off suicidal tendencies, suspect that literally everything short of a hospital will say they aren't equipped to handle people like me. But how am I supposed to live without any assistance when I don't even eat without being prodded multiple times? Kind of wish I was old so I could be accepted into a senior care facility, that seems to be the sort of thing I might need (I even have similar memory issues to what many of the people there would have... but then again, when it comes out that I have a recent history of self-harm and suicidality, they too would probably say "Nope, we can't be held responsible for someone like this."). I guess I just have to learn to come to terms with the fact that my parents are the only ones who are actually willing to help me, and that means probably staying with them indefinitely.

The thing is, I want to do something where I can look at it and say I've made some progress. That's really why I want to move into a place I can call my own (even if it's an assisted living sort of thing), I think. Plus then I could quit feeling like I'm a burden on my parents (no matter how much they insist I'm not, it still feels like I am). But then just when I think I'm ready to take the next leap, something comes and blocks me. When I finally get a job (granted only as a part-time janitor), I end up going to the hospital four times in one year due to the effect it has on my mental health. When I find a program I think can help me transition to independent living, nope, you have to have a job for them to help you at all. When I think I might be able to live on my own once I get accustomed to it and am about to start seriously looking at apartments, bam, hello depression and suicidal thoughts/thoughts of death.

-9 Only because if I was a -10, I would probably be in no condition to be browsing the Internet and would probably have an open pill bottle in my hand ready to dump down my throat. In other words, I could be feeling worse, but not by much. Still not going to actually do anything to myself, and goodness knows I'm not going to harm anyone else (that's about the farthest thing from my mind right now), so I'm not going to go to the hospital. I doubt it would do any good anyway.

6


vashon is beautiful. every day i think to myself "i'd love to live here" and then i remember that i do.

9.

Today was a pretty fantastic Spring day after breaking a 50 year record for longest running stretch of precipitation.

Got up, did a load of laundry and made a huge batch of loaded with goodness pancakes. Went to an appointment downtown, hit up the fake tanning place for some feel good UV light & vitamin D. Spent a few hours naked in the sunshine at the beach with a bunch of hippies and live music - gorgeous weather, good beer, and pleasant smoke.

Would have stayed for sunset (sure to be spectacular!) but I’m home now to sharpen some tools and then head over to my friends’ for dinner with, “my,” kids.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

13

2. i found a dry cleaning service on the island

10 as I am drinking fresh juice of banana mango and something else maybe pineapple.

5

Maybe 4. Me employer seems cold to me and i lost a friend. But i am not as hurt as i thought i would be.