Rants

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I know it isn't much consolation, but I know how you feel there.

Are you able to seek cognitive behavioural therapy instead of going the medication route? If you have enough visits available to go regularly I think it makes a difference. I mean, I'm still not happy per se but I've been sober for 18 months and no longer want to smoke pot as I've come to recognise that there's absolutely no benefit to that either.
I wish I could say that it's been a while since I've smoked but it's only been a week.

At least it was a couple of weeks before that... As in to say, the majority of the time I'm clean/sober which is a win, but it does leave me wondering where to go from here. It's hard when even things like going to the gym are something that I force myself to do, and rather than making me feel good it just leaves me feeling not quite as bad, or at least flat rather than low.

I also need to get in to see my doctor and let him know that I don't want to take the antidepressants he prescribed me, and that I want to establish a mental health plan so I can get my 12 visits in with my psychologist. I've started acupuncture again which I think really does something as I cried after it yesterday.

Overall, I think Auntblabby's made some great suggestions there as usual, and I have been employing all of those recently to try and find a space that's better than the one I'm in. At the very least, there are pockets of complete silence in meditation which is very much a welcome sensation.

Actually, I didn't get accepted to all the PhD programs. I've gotten two responses: both rejections.

I know that everyone will reject me, now. Dammit.

Maybe not, but y'know... Dammit, I don't like this.

Seriously, I'll need to finish the semester even if everyone does reject me. I guess I can live with the shame, since I've had enough experience. Heh.

I can apply to Master's programs.

But I came here to rant, not ramble. If everyone rejects me then I'll just die! I'll just lie in bed and die! Don't push me, motherf***ers!

No, no , no, don't try to reassure me. I'm completely useless and no one will want me if they spare two seconds to think about it.

I literally hate my guts. And whatever diet don't help. So I'll just suck it up, and deal with it by myself. Like always.
Same with my eyesight sometimes. Except that's really my fault. I neither regret nor accept it.

So many things to wait for in order to move on and can't do anything about it to make it sooner. So many to mind at the same time. And so little time and chances...

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Why am I such a f!cking putz? I should know better than to loan my car, or anything else, for that matter, to anyone. I lent my car to a supposed friend for the afternoon, I have yet to get a phone call on where he's at. This is the same guy that bitched me out about the way I drive in the snow (since we got 5 inches of it this weekend), yet he has no problem running the gas out of my car, and he expects me to keep the tank filled, so I can be at his beck and call. He keeps insisting he is the penis and I am the scrotum, and I must follow him at all time. I'm getting sick and tired of his bullsh!t. I'm so sick and tired of being taken advantage of I could puke! I'm to the point of saying screw everything, lock myself in my room, and never come out, except to go to the bathroom and make my meals.

when I bore people about how it was in the old days, it reminds me that I am largely superfluous.

My mother understands nothing about autism (even though she says she does) Just now, she made me do a whole loud of laundry, which is strangely hard for me. I asked her to work up to a full load, but she ignored me, now grounding me from computer.
Now I have to disobey her to get my obsessions back.

Well, I'm screwed.

I've waited two months to hear back from my fiancé's workplace, and since I haven't heard back yet, I'm going to assume they will not hire me. I may as well give up on my career now, because since I quit my job without another one lined up, it's virtually impossible for me to land another job, no matter how good my skills are. I could try going to college to get a better job, but sometimes I wonder if it is really worth the time and money just to waste four years trying to get a degree that I probably won't use anyway.

WTF. When I ask to be left alone in peace, it seems to translate into keep f#cking talking more, and questioning me. Never mind I stopped answering, and your voice has turned into sharp knives in my brain. Never mind I can't follow your words anymore.

Complain to the boss all you want. I'm walking away. Someone else can hold your hand.

I didn't sleep well last night, I can't get back to sleep even though it's not even 7 in the f*****g morning, my wrists itch like crazy, I'm cold, and I have a bunch of s**t to do today so I can move to my new town. FML.