Dear NT husband:
You have always presented to me as a flexible, spontaneous, adventure-and-challenge-loving person who is very skilled at going with the flow and changing plans mid-stride. As being able to adjust at the drop of a hat, no matter what life throws at you. I've always admired that in you, even though there are times when it frustrates me, and times when I'm extremely jealous of that ability.
I've always claimed to be a person who thrives on structure, routine, set schedules and agendas--on knowing what to expect, because adjusting to the unexpected is difficult for me. Surprises--even good surprises--can set my head spinning; it takes me a while to accept sudden changes.
That's why I don't understand what difference it makes to you whether I do something that I'm doing alone at ten, at two or at five. Up until recently, you've just done whatever you planned to do anyway.
But when you say you're going to do something, there's a part of my mind that gets stuck on the expectation of you doing that--and I can't seem to make myself do anything until you get started on the thing you said you're going to do. This doesn't make sense, even to me--I don't understand it. But there's a block in there, somehow, that says okay--he said he was going downtown. As soon as he goes downtown, I'm going to do thus-and-such--it could be anything. Take a shower, wash the dishes, feed the cat, go for a walk or to the library or to the store--it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't even matter, in my head somehow, whether it's a thing I can do whether you're in bed or at the kitchen table or on the couch or in the car or on a city bus. Somehow, in my mind, there's a block that keeps me from starting my things that I want to do, until I see you starting to do the thing you said you were going to do.
That sounds crazy, I know. I'm not sure how to get past it. But I've seen you, over and over again, just do whatever you planned or decided to do regardless of what I said I was going to do or where my carcass is planted. Even if I can't tell you what I intend to do with a day--when you ask me before I've had enough coffee to think about it, for example--you usually just up and do whatever you've planned. Sometimes it seems that you haven't even considered how your plan might necessitate me changing my plan, or maybe molding my plan around yours so that you can still accomplish your goals.
But you've never communicated a need to know what time I'm going to do a thing until recently. You've only told me that you'd like to know where I am when I decide to go somewhere. Forgive me, but I don't see this as a double standard. I see this as a need I have for stability, for predictability, for consistency--for me to be able to trust that you'll do what you said you're going to do, be where I expected (based on words you spoke) you to be, accomplish the goals you stated to me. You have never before stated a reciprocal need to know what I'm doing and at what time so you can set your own schedule according to my vague goals. Additionally, I view your goals as more important than mine. I can just sigh and read a book if you have the car and I can't go entertain myself online at the library.
Does it confuse and unsettle you greatly if I say at nine a.m. that I'm thinking about going to the library, but I don't actually get there until two o'clock? Do you lose your composure if I say I have some shopping to do, but I still haven't done it at seven? This isn't sarcasm, this is a request for an explanation: what difference does it make to you? You went off to work at the church or the shop or the racetrack and did what you decided to do anyway. The fact that I was still at home at noon didn't stop you from doing any of the things you said you needed to do.
So why, all of a sudden, do you have a problem with me wanting the assurance of knowing where you are, what you're doing and when you'll be home? I've always wanted to know that. It's always confused and unsettled me when what you do is different from what you said you were going to do, or when you say you're going to do a thing and then you do other stuff for hours before getting on with it. This isn't new with me--it happened a few times last winter, and last spring--before I looked at any autism spectrum or Asperger's Syndrome tests, reports, books or blogs. But lately you act like it's an imposition for me to ask, and on top of that you're now insisting that I set a schedule for myself that you can hold me to? What happened to "you're on vacation, just relax and take each day as it comes?"
I can see where it would look like I'm holding you to a higher standard than I hold myself to. You don't know, though, how much I beat myself up inside my head for failing to accomplish what I'd intended to in an efficient and timely manner. You've never told me that you have to make any sort of adjustment when I say I'm going to do a thing on a certain day, but then I do it later than you thought I would. Even if I don't pin down a time, lately you've gotten on my case for delaying my stated goal on account of puttering about the house. You've never before given me indication that this upsets you. Why does it, all of a sudden?
But when I leave the house a mess and flit off to the library or the store--that's bad, too? Or is that just a thing you say to be mean when you're mad? The inconsistency confuses me.
You've bragged about being able to "train" anyone or anything--pets and people both. Doesn't matter whether it's a dog or a cat or a kid or a bird or an apprentice or anything, you can train them because you're consistent.
But you're not consistent with me. You throw me off balance more and more all the time. Incidentally--I find that language kind of insulting, too; do you really think a wife is like a pet that needs to be trained to perform according to some set of behaviors that you have in your head? Do you not realize that a wife is an autonomous individual that has her own choices to make, her own accountability to the God that created her, her own relationship with Jesus Christ and her own soul that is filled with the Holy Spirit and trusting Him for guidance? Or is it on you to make and mold your wife into the perfect little Christian woman that you think she ought to be? Hands off, God--my wife, my project. I got this, thanks. Or is it that you don't think I'm a real Christian? You really do think it's the devil influencing all my behavior because I'm selfish and stubborn and spoiled and bad?
Am I supposed to train you to be a better husband instead of just letting you be happy and comfortable with your ingrained bachelor-like habits? Because I'm not sure if I'm up to the challenge. I think it's more likely to make us hate eachother than it is to make either one of us a better Christian.
If you're losing your flexibility--your ability to adapt and change your plans with every bending of the wind--tell me. But please don't act like it's a thing you've always wanted from me, always asked for, always expected. Because it's not. It's something new. And I honestly don't know--is this just a test? Is it a manipulative thing that you're doing because you want to show me how I make you feel, so I'll see how bad and spoiled and selfish I seem to everyone else? Or is it really a new thing with you, something's happened and you're no longer capable of making split-second changes in direction? Or is it a thing that's always been there, you've allowed me to operate on a false assumption for years because I'm too delicate to handle the truth?
I'll try to change if that's what you need me to do. The thing I seem to be hearing you say you want from me is something that I've wished for from you all along--predictability. It's also something that if I've tried to do it, you've mocked me for being rigid and inflexible and set in stone. Or maybe it was just having it written down on paper instead of in my head that you thought was worthy of scorn. But you've never shown an ounce of respect for me writing out that I want to be at Moore at 10:00, at Skipper's at 12:30, at Lincoln Park at 2:00 and at Mottett at 5:00. I tried that kind of thing with a day we were going to do together once. You laughed at me and stuffed my agenda into a trash bag.
So is this new? Or have you been lying to me about what you want and expect from me for five years?
Love,
Confused Aspie Wife
_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 141 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 71 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)
Official diagnosis: Austism Spectrum Disorder Level One, without learning disability, without speech/language delay; Requiring Support
09 Aug 2014, 12:13 pm
