Rants

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I'm so tired, but my mother is upstairs in outr tiny room and doesn't like the lights on, and I just want to go to sleep with the lights on and with the TV off and her not in there making it cramped, or talking to me, or asking me to do stuff... oh well, I can sit here with my head down for a while I suppose.

BORAX!! !

Put some down along their trails, they get coated and bring it back to the colony, killing them all by getting one. Get them while they're moving, too, and let them go back to the nest.

The Haven is for negative people.


Self-professed postive people please keep out! Stop telling people off! They're NEGATIVE; they'll take it the wrong way!

i realized some things the other day:
i have likes, i have dislikes,
i agree, semi-agree, disagree, semi-disagree,
but i can't form opinions.
this doesn't help with my terror of losing the one i love.
i can't keep up a conversation, even about my obsessions.
everything i say, if it's not an expression of love, i regret.
in fact, it's usually an emotional sh tstorm when i attempt to join in a conversation and can't "keep up".
i had an anxiety attack when my boyfriend's bandmate asked me what cd i wanted to listen to [music is not one of my obsessions, so i do not have much of an opinion...just likes/dislikes...i said i didn't know, and he asked again, and the same thing happened again, and i had to wait until my bf had left the room to remind him that with my as, i really only have one obsession at a time, occasionally two, and i don't really know about anything else. i just cease learning about everything else without trying to. now that i'm in college again, guess what? my obsession is academics/grades. that means i can barely even talk about gaming, my most prominent obsession since i was a baby [i was in nintendo power at age three, if that says anything about it]. so, i'm essentially usele---wait, i have to think of some bullsh t cbt script the doctors would feed me---::sarcastic tone:: i often find myself feeling weak and desperate, but i know i am a good person, now i'm going to take deep breaths and feel the muscles contract from my toes to my shoulders, blah blah blah, and instead of feeling useless and like i can't hold a conversation, i'll feel grateful for being unique, blah blah blah BULLSH T. i thought i'd throw that out there, since i usually have to tell people therapy usually does more harm than good for me. and it IS possible for that to be the case. i do NOT want people to argue with me about cbt, but that's probably what it will turn into, since i'm not afraid to excploit my own weaknesses or talk sh t about myself.
in fact, if i showed an acquaintance half the sh t i write, and change it so that it sounds like i'm describing "some girl i know", i'm really curious about how many people i like will say very bad things about the way i feel.
nothing is interesting, nothing holds my attention, and i wish i was mute half the time. i can give answers in class with a snap of the fingers because X MUST yield Y and i've memorized it over and over again, and i really am loving when i'm not afraid, so expressing affection is alright, but any other situation that depends on speech makes me feel tremendously stupid. i can't "explain" or "summarize" things unless, as previously stated, X MUST yield Y, and i've studied that over and over again. otherwise i end up having long-winded, confusing ramblings that are so disorganized the listener has no idea what i'm talking about. but usually, i say something emotion-based [NOT opinion-based, but based on like/dislike/agree/disagree and inbetween], and guess what? I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. therefore, i either don't know what i'm talking about [even when i do], or i'm a liar.

anyway, end. i have to shape up, because my sweetheart is still up and has started to chat with me.

::a certain female member and two male members rip me apart for this thread, just so they feel big and tough and dominant for rubbing the fact that i'm irrational in my face::

I wonder if I have BPD. I seem to be split 2 or 3 ways. Part of me is low-class, running-around, ADD-ish, fast-talking, "will never grow up", "f**k this, f**k that", shouting when happy and when angry, very physical, wearing sporty or just cheap clothes, using prison slang and high school slang and mental ward slang, laughing and making fun of things, disaster happy and only with a street-level social conscience, explaining diplomatically but in a slangy insider fashion why people do the things they do, and admitting I did it myself and saying "I don't care, whatever happens to me, I'll do what I have to do, if you do something to me it will be for a reason, I don't care, I'm beyond caring." Knowing where everything is, how to get there fast, knowing how to get things, being resourceful and hilarious and annoying and amazing and amusing but likeable except to those who disrespect me or those I care about, perish forbid then!


Then there's the classy, sophisticated, big-picture, militaristic-but-civilian Ana. Talking in the Icarus-Falling-like sophisticated way, very wordy and clever with some nasty zingers when depressed for people who use or abuse me or someone I care about, but forgiving, cautious, adept and flexible but firm, capable of murder and of hiding the evidence; everyone would know what I did but would be unable to physically prove I did it. I would be clever and arrogant, not insufferable but barely tolerable to those in opposing situations.


Then there's the wholesome, not goody-two-shoes but "America, God and apple pie" Ana. Talking about God, loving God, believing in God, praying to God, believing things will get better, at my worst weeping like Jesus did for all those poor victims and trying to help them, understanding and never raising my voice or swearing or getting upset, gently explaining to people that there is a better way to do this or that, making them happy, giving to people in need, not needing anything myself, for I have God and myself and I love myself and others and God. Planning to go to church, wanting to go to school, with many friends and acquaintances. Forgiving. In this state I would kiss my enemies and adopt the kids who picked on mine, give them a better home and a better life.

All those people who tell me I don't stand a chance... I just want to kill them, to prove to the world that people like THEM don't stand a chance.

I feel so sorry; I really treat her so horribly. I'll make it up to her. This time I promise.

I feel like if I don't get a stimulant I won't be able to control my temper, if I don't control my temper they'll lock me up and force me to go off the Celexa, and maybe even give me clonazepam or another depressant to control the anger, and then I'll get so depressed I go really crazy, and if they don't allow me to do that I'll die. I know how it works. It happens. People die or pas out from depression alone, not from suicide or suicide attempts. It's happened.

First off, I'm angry at myself, because I'm writing this. I'm so stupid. But there's no one online on MSN and, honestly, even if there were, I'm always too busy tending to other people's problems or acting all happy-go-lucky, or at least like I don't care that life's crap. Yeah, I laugh at my problems. Yeah, I say, whatever, I shouldn't complain. Yeah, I can keep up-beat conversations and still feel bad.
I'm so sick and tired of people telling me "Just eat something". Right. RIGHT. Hadn't thought about that, had I, no, not like I haven't tried eating normally and failed, failed, failed and failed and ended up on the bathroom floor crying after emptying my stomach. damn you. DAMN. YOU. Want to know something? Want to know who's SICK of hearing about her so-called "Anorexia"? I am. I AM. You people ignored the issue for God only knows how long, and now you think, oh hey, let's tell her to eat food and all will be okay? damn you. It's not even about food. It's not about weight. It's not about some stupid vanity.
And THAT's why it's also so f*****g annoying when you people come to me, and ask me how to lose weight, and tell me about how you lost X number of pounds, and tell me how proud you are the first time you go a day without eating. Yeah. f*****g funny, don't you think. Yeah. Try fasting for a week and then tell me how happy you are. Then tell me how funny you think this f*****g s**t is you f*****g - f*****g --- ...

You're hurting me.

you know whose f*****g fault it is
& trust me because the f*****s left me to die alone in a gutter
?
we live in an evil society
or at least Frank Herbert put the thought in my head
"All societies look evil from the outside"
so logically,all aspy's look at the society they're in
from the outside
& judge them evil
& we're right

I hope she didn't throw out that cake. I would have had it all right then!

holy hell its cold.
i can't even type right.

I hate when people call and then don't say anything and hang up then don't call back or call back and don't leave a message. I don't know if I'm missing anything important, all because of my damn incapabilities.
I hate not having caller ID.

I learned today that I need some Ritalin! But they won't give me no stimulants, just ADs!

I hate the fact that with all the medical advancements of recent times, they still have not created one single medication that treats bipolar without myriad unpleasant side effects, including weight gain, leaving you in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.

I hate the fact that when you need sleep the most, it seems to elude you.

I feel very bad and that sucks.