-9.5 I really just want to call it quits on everything. I keep trying things, for plenty of time and with a fully open mind, and still just wasting time and money. I’m fed up with my therapist and really don’t want to have to find a new one, what’s kept me coming back to this one is that he specializes in neurological disorders, including ASDs (and many of his clients have some form of ASD), which I know can be pretty hard to find, and he’s known me for over a decade and knows my history and stuff, I just don’t have it in me to try to get comfortable with someone else. And all ECT is doing is hindering my thinking, I’ve been having a heck of a time putting my thoughts into words for the past few weeks, even more than usual. I may often end up with something decent, but it takes much more time, editing, and frustration when I just can’t come up with what I want. It seems to correlate with the ECT and when I should have been seeing results and stuff, is why I expect that’s what’s to blame. So I really just want to stop that, too. Didn’t help me the first time, either, I was just hoping it might make the difference between staying in the hospital and at least being able to stay at home.
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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"