scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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positive 1 or so again

I'm alright.

A few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Thank you.

negative life is but a dream

The one thing about memories of trauma is that you tend to keep it from those you should share it with (loved ones, for example), but you just can't talk about it with them even though you know you have to bring it up if you don't want to keep anything hidden. The amount of shame and guilt you feel is so great that you can't see how they wouldn't instantly throw you away, from the selfish side, but from the selfless side how it would hurt them as they share the trauma now. Being thrown away certainly wouldn't be the case, but it's what you feel. Then it sits there forever until you can't suppress it anymore and you're back to the hostel quicker than you can imagine. Then everything breaks. This is one of those twisted fates too, where it affects others all the same (those that you try to protect from it). The psychiatrists give you advice on how to share it, but sometimes certain people can't do it.

Survivor is the wrong term. Sufferer is the correct one. Not just for the "victim", but everyone involved.

I guess I won't sleep that well tonight.

I feel like people who have gone through trauma are “survivors”

With the duality of life and death (or who you were compared to what you were changed into; some to most of who you were will always make it through and survive), definitely, survivor fits. I much prefer sufferer in my case though, and also for those that have been negatively affected by it. The latter I think is much overlooked. Those around the individual face similar challenges.

Now, from all I've learnt, I'd just share everything and let the cookie crumble how it will (pain either way, but I see this would be less so).

-4. Lonely and haven't slept well for days.

negative nothing beside remains

Yeah, I had a bad night. A bad day. I'm sure tonight will be a bad night. A bad tomorrow.

It's hell, this life. The conditions/labels which make it harder, but they're not what broke mine. Maybe one day I'll drunk post in a YT video and get it out to the world just so someone other than psychiatrists and similar can see that that dude didn't have it easy, it explains why he's so broken/kept on pushing people away when he didn't want to, and why there's something following him everywhere he goes. No.

But, you keep on going for some reason rather than just collapsing in defeat, even though all you see is hell in the future where everything just keeps on sinking deeper. Maybe it's hope, as forethought and what actually happens aren't the same thing. Maybe your mother will get better or at least not suffer so much. Maybe you'll find inner peace with what was done to you long ago and what you had to do. Maybe she'll forgive you, and you can be her friend again one day and eventually embrace. Maybe you'll be able to forgive yourself. Maybe you'll stop feeling guilt and shame all the time. Maybe you'll accept that you have a lot of rage and anger below the surface due to trauma. Maybe they'll make Sekiro 2 with the same team that made the original (I'm not that lucky). Maybe not, but there's always a chance. I can live with hope, and if it never happens, there's something that remains, memories, and yes, there's many bad ones, but also many good ones. I can live with loss (basically everything in my life has been taken from me against my will or I lost it myself). I can also live with adversity. No matter how painful and dark it gets, I still see light. I don't know why I see this light.

I've collapsed in defeat numerous times, but I got back up. Because I still hope. Maybe that's the cliched point of it all; get back on ye horse when you can and regardless of circumstances. (I've never fallen off a horse, which is kinda odd considering how many I've ridden and how accident prone I am.) I'll always continue to get up.

Feeling neutral now.

-10 Stressed to **** without alcohol and the voices in my head have started again...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I'd taper the dose over a period of time when it comes to GABAergic chemicals, as most human brains become tolerant to the increase in GABAa/b, so it naturally lowers such; when you stop ingesting the stuff that's increasing it, the brain is now really low on it and it'll need to adapt again and make more of its own. This takes time. 3/4ths for a month, 1/2 for month, 1/3 for a month, then 1/4 and so on (or whatever is comfortable). Cold turkey isn't the best option and leads to bad symptoms if used for a long time and high amounts. I've done it before and it worked for me for a variety of CNS chemicals; I just told my doctor that I was and she was cool with me doing it. Seeing a doctor would probably be best with these things. I went cold turkey with an antipsychotic once. Never again. That seems to be my weakness. Zoloft wasn't bad (it actually had the opposite effect on me so I felt better when I stopped). I'm not too bad with GABA agonists either, but I'm odd there (I can cold turkey ethanol, Benzodiazepines and antiepileptics with little issues; they don't actually have much effect on me, so I likely have issues with GABA receptors from whatever is wrong with my brain). My father seemed to suffer quite a bit from the Heroin withdrawals, but he too could stop ethanol whenever. I didn't feel anything good from Morphine when I've had it for physical injury, so my brain isn't the type that wants its Opioid receptors boosted. Quite funny how we're all different when it comes to neurotransmitters. I'm sensitive to Dopamine and Serotonin, and an increase due to illness or rebound from tolerance to quitting anti-Dopaminergic/Serotonergic drugs are what makes me suffer.

Seeing a doctor is best.

anyway, I'm negative never-ending story

Little sleep for me. A night of regrets and sadness.

negative noise and static cancelling brainphones needed

Exhausted, physically and emotionally. Sick from the thoughts, sights, real/imagined sounds and subsequent emotions. Good night for a thunderstorm, I guess.

negative nameless like the rest of them

Yeah, I don't like thunder. I used to like it as a child. The kids that didn't had the right idea. Got 3 hours of sleep (albeit, only in the morning), so yay. To be fair, I needed a pill under my tongue just to muddy the thoughts enough.

I guess it's just because my mother has been so sick. She doesn't have anyone. Just me. I worry about not being able to look after her if something happens to me or I break again. Which makes things I can normally handle, whatever the label, harder. An added stressor that puts me over the edge. ASD making me overwhelmed, OCD worrying about those you care for (which will always be my greatest worry), and things that gave PTSD coming back in memory (since memories of life or death make you worry about not being around to help and the other ones remind you of why you're emotionally broken, and do break, which then makes it harder for you to care for others). As I said, they all feed off one another, which makes it harder to handle, as they aren't individual entities in that context. There's always a limit of coping.

It's ok though.

5. The positive changes I've worked for are slowly becoming realized, but I'm regressing. Mentally, I feel broken. And am endeavouring to find help for the stress, anxiety and depression that's physically crippling my body now more than ever.

5. I don't even know. I feel disappointed in myself. I have so many things to be grateful for but i can't feel good.

negative noise-induced memory loss

No thunderstorm and wasn't feeling too bad. Figured going to sleep well because learning to accept everything as it is (it's not like I can change anything), from 1 AM. or so. Fall to sleep without medication. Yay. Fire alarm goes off an hour into sleep. Ok.

Wasn't battery. Guess bugs, or life isn't a fan of me. Seems like both there.