scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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+3. I'm doing better today than I have been lately.

Good to know.

negative sometimes it's more than one

It was kinda over before it began when it came to me and relations. I've accepted that one. Autism is always an issue, yeah (you can work with it), same with OCD, but suffering from things that lead to those...trust and closeness issues are the biggest ones. It's...the hardest one on me (emotionally; emotionally, I am a mess), and the one that takes the most from you: the ability to trust another human when it comes to the most human of things. This falls under PTSD stuff. Enter avoiding those I've loved as a coping strategy and...you hurt others as you're hurting with this avoidance. So it goes.

It's probably better that I'm autistic with that trauma there; if I wasn't, I'd likely be ruining relations after relations due to the lack of those few connections deal of autism and being higher functioning before realizing the problem I had. That doesn't make me feel any better for those I have hurt though; nothing there will.

Even if I've accepted it, it's never going to feel any better; it's not a road I chose, rather one I was put on by trauma. I'm ok with the things I choose regardless the outcome, as they're my choices. I have a bit more choice now, since I realized the why causing the what; I know what's dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

No thunder tonight.

fluctuating between 0 (neutral) and -4. My anxiety meds are wearing off from last night.

Just fine smoking a bowl in a legal state that may also become a haven for abortion, if Colorado started weed being legalized idk maybe we are the state that can save abortion rights as well. I mean I thought it was unthinkable when I signed the petition for legal weed in Colorado for sure I thought it would fail but I figured I should sign it anyways, and sure enough we got legal weed. So Colorado simply should provide abortions to out of state people if we gotta be the state to re-legalize abortion than so be it we can put up a new sign 'come to colorado for your out of state abortion.'

Seems like all the stuff I have been confirming if nothing else Colorado will keep abortion legal within the state, we made weed legal in various states so surely we can keep abortion on the books.

Ever since cutting my medications in half a few years ago, I have quite a collection of minor/major tranquilizers (mostly Benzos and antipsychotics/antiepileptics, but some others; I'm not even going to bother counting them, and thousands will be the end result if I did). It's actually hilarious when I look at my meds case, especially when it's quite hard for people to get prescriptions for the stuff. My doctor is fine writing them out, as no addiction issues here; I just keep on getting them filled, lol. Or, maybe I'm more ill than I think I am and the doctors want me drugged out.

I suppose I'm good for a few years in a zombie apocalypse situation.

neutral now, because I'm laughing.

negative ye apple rolled down the hill and fermented in a hole

Slept well

I'd almost certainly be like my mother without those things. Which would have been emotionally stable, and still autistic with OCD (which she is, even if undiagnosed). I'm nothing like my father. He's very, very adapt at forming relations as he's amazing at telling people what they want to hear without meaning it ("dark triad" stuff there, which is quite the social survival skill, and you can see why it evolutionary exists); he just ends up absorbing the life around him as you live with him, as those types do. Beware those who say things that you want to hear all the time (which might be hard to differentiate from generally nice people though). It's kinda sad in a way for others that don't see it from people like him, as only family eventually do, and they get hurt hard by it. When my father eventually fried his brain on illicit drugs and my mother became sick (a good way to detect "dark triad" types is they leave when people become what they consider a burden as they don't give enough to satisfy), my mother never moved on, which is certainly due to the ASD, i.e., few connections; which is exactly how I am.

I'm different to my mother though, even if similar in many ways. She gets misunderstood like me (we're both stubborn as well). She does have her own issues that would have shaped her; she's had it hard all the same (from external sources rather than herself, outside of illness later on). I'm more angry and hateful under the surface, which I guess has been useful now and again, but that might be made (might not).

I still don't know what I am, which will be that depersonalisation/similar stuff, and that seems like an automatic safety mode.

7. Don't worry (much) about the New job anymore. I don't know what i am capable of until i try and that's what i am going to do. They won't pay me much anyway so whatever.

12.
Blissful, now that AprilR is here. <sigh>

^LOL i am glad you feel better now

Right now a 4, it was a 6 or 7 so I guess my moods are balancing out. My scrupulosity is getting the best of me tho

negative you're both right and wrong

Yeah, I need help, and yeah, I should probably go back to the hospital for the revolving doors of psychologists/psychiatrists and the musical chairs of group, and see what some new poor souls are suffering from, which will be similar to you as they segregate you; I get to see a few groups there. But you know, it's just you, so you have to endure that hellscape of your own mind on your own, which you agree with. Strangers on the phone are alright to get out details of pain as there's limited transfer of emotion; lots of support strangers there through various groups/charities/disability services. None of this can really do anything for you though. You've had it all, and it never changes as you keep on getting back to where you now are. Yeah, I need help, but there's no one to.

That's life though.

I do appreciate you worrying about my vaccination status though (no seriously. You're overestimating the danger of such by far too much and you know I've been hit with far, far more dangerous things, and it's not gonna take me out so no one will be here for her; gonna say I'm not too much a fan of doctors telling me to look after myself so I can look after my mother). I wouldn't even care about airborne Ebola nowadays if I had no responsibility, dude.

I take a low dose benzo (I typically take half of what is prescribed and don't necessarily use it every day), but during crisis I will up my dose (to the "recommended" amount). I've had a particularly rough week and my partner had to drive out of town (in an ice storm), so I upped my dose the night before last and yesterday morning.

That being said, I have never had an issue coming off of them, and I don't feel like I NEED them constantly. I've taken them off and on for around a decade (stopped by choice for two years because I just wasn't using them often...and because I was tired of my GP was saying I was "too young" to be taking meds). I started taking them again in 2020--due to health issues and circumstances causing constant meltdowns and anxiety.


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Today...I'm at a 1.

I think the lowest possible dose is always the way to go outside of any exacerbation, which sometimes might not make you as comfortable, but you use it as complimentary to other coping mechanisms you find work. Yeah, I go back to the recommended dose in a similar fashion (I have now with the major stuff; mostly not to feel better, but rather to function better due to added stressors). This would be smart for those that readily develop tolerance too, as if you start off at a higher dose, it may lose effectiveness over time, and when an added stressor comes along, you then need an even higher dose, which leads to some issues.

That's something I've always found interesting with GABAergic chemicals (or any CNS one, really), as you can have someone that can stop instantly and their symptoms may come back as they're no longer treated, but they don't suffer from withdrawals. Whereas someone else suffers quite bad ones. I get nothing if I stop. Though, they aren't that effective on me in the first place and are more of a Band-Aid so I don't have to take as high a dose of the major stuff (more side-effects with those).

Clonazepam here, though I have some Diazepam that's used for the same thing and out of date Alprazolam for panic attacks (it'd still work fine). I've kinda gotten used to panic attacks so I don't even bother. The major stuff Olanzapine or Quetiapine are the best for me, and I have no sleep at all without them. The antiepileptics are for nerve pain from trigeminal neuralgia and a severed nerve in my hand, the latter hurts when I touch stuff with it, the former is...yeah, but I'm sorta ok with physical pain when some of the edge is taken off. Sorta like anxiety I guess.

negative neurotransmitters

negatives come in waves

While the psychiatrist I saw the most, for near a decade, would call it a bad coping mechanism, I ended up selling all of my firearms again (firearms have always been a strong interest for me). I've done that twice in my life, each time after I broke, as memories and all that fun stuff. I also now get stressed when people target shoot or hunt around here now, albeit not as bad as with thunder.

Life is fun.

I bought an antique Tanto with a little of the money, so yay I guess.

0

Slept quite well for once and feel a bit less stressed out today.