scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

Post Reply New Topic

Excellent! I’m glad you’re sleeping better.

I’m constantly shifting between slightly positive and slightly negative territory. My knee is a nuisance. I’m gaining weight. I’m a lazy bum today. All First World stuff. I have to get my head out of my butt.

0 (It's a good energy day)

negatives

The trigeminal neuralgia is playing up, but that's alright, as physical (left side for me); something weird about that is that the nerve pain in my hand goes away when the face acts up, though it's probably not that, rather the face pain just ramps up so much more. Emotionally, seen better nights there, but that's understandable considering everything. I'm alright though. You can feel bad but be fine, which probably is quite sad there when you consider the implications, but I'll just consider it funny. Because funny is a more positive word than sad, and they both can make you laugh or cry all the same. So can pain.

I have quite a conundrum in front of me. My mother isn't vaccinated (yeah, quite a bit different than me not being so). She's worried about it exacerbating her conditions, which is theoretically possible with all of them and also the virus itself. My conundrum is I won't coerce people to do things, rather I just discuss info and go through risks/rewards, which in this case, favors the vaccine when factoring in all the variables (including the lowered efficacy against Unicron; it'll reduce severity to some amount) and the fact she may need to go to high risk areas within any given several months in time, i.e., hospital. It's also a foot in the door, as the 1st dose will give an idea of what to expect considering it's going to be a forever thing. It seems like she wants me to make the decision for her, which is something I can't do; her doctors/specialists say yes, so I say that. She's more afraid of the virus than I am too, as...me (I wouldn't be if I were her, so I might be on the opposite end there, but that opinion doesn't bias my view here). Whilst I help her and there's a lot of responsibility on me in that context, she's still 100% mentally capable of making an informed decision, even if indecisive due to fear.

Quite a conundrum for someone you care about and for. "You probably should get it," is about as much I can say when it comes to me. Her choice in the end though. Ah, maybe I do need to make sure to warn her not to let fear make the decision for her. You never let fear do such, as it's not your decision then. If you fear two things, then I guess you go with the one you're less afraid of.

That's classified information.

-7

It's a flashback day.

+1. Nothing wrong, but slow and boring day.

CPtsd. Bodily flashbacks. Or bodily stored emotions. Yeah, thats what i was talking about. I believe that stuff can be lessened. It doesnt have to be permanent. It's a conditioned response. It's your stress threshold.

-10

Sucky fortnight. Doubt it's gonna get better. Distraction seems the only coping mechanism that's working (at least stupid SARS-CoV-2 gave me something new to learn, which has helped there with distraction).

Mental hotel best buddy from long ago died; this brings back all the mess that made us broken and put us there. He's not suffering anymore though, and he did get his family back when he eventually found himself again. RIP dude. The ringing stops.

Ma isn't that long for this world; she'll go to that same unknown place where the suffering will go, which is one hope; I don't know how I'll handle her gone though. I like to think I'm strong enough, but it's...ma. She wants me sane and to look after the property/home, and I promised I will for her. Maybe not as mentally healthy as I'd like for her wishes and memories, but I will try my best for her. I...almost certainly would need to go back to the mental hotel, but that runs into the next issue, so I almost certainly can't:

Someone will probably try to get me declared mentally insane/incompetent/unfit so they can get the land/home. That's the one problem with having a list of official labels and the behaviors that go along with them that makes you the odd one out. Yeah.

Sigh.

You always know it's coming, but knowing it is doesn't make it feel any better when it gets near.

+5

Had a pretty rough few weeks of mental health/anxiety issues. Uni' work piling up, unhealthy emotions being processed etc.

But today I feel a lot better

Earlier: 8 (usual)

Afternoon: 4 (somebody i consider a friend may be in distressful situation)

Now:7 ( my mood moves like clouds)

At my typical 7, but was at a 6 earlier today.

+2

I've turned the corner on this current meltdown and we are moving up the scale. I recently laughed out loud with two separate human interactions. One was a giggling with a four year old in line to one of my favorite bbq joints, we played who's foot is on the social distancing marker. The other was racing an older woman down the aisle in the grocery store. She even had a zinger of her own for me. Damn it felt so good to have an honest laugh. Starting to see old friends and also started looking for the next gig (full time RV, volunteer). I'm exercising but my appetite is still meh. My dental work has ended earlier than expected which frees me to go anywhere I want. I've restarted the journal and plan to go on a photo drive to the painted churches. Oh yeah, I found this place and maybe one day...

As far as the meltdown, I did the right thing. The sensitivity level is dropping, but I have enjoyed all the good sleep.

Another talk of needing to be sane and holding on for her, from her. God. What a nightmare. I can barely think of it. I already know the memories, as I live out of time. Everything fades. Nothing will remain. Just ashes, memories and dreams. Which I guess are one of the greatest gifts, and thank you. Yeah, I'll be strong.

I'm sure said someone will try to force me to fly over the magpie's nest if I stay strong, which I'm aware of. I may be socially naive (sometimes not though), but I'm quite astute over the machinations that women/men commit on other women/men out of what best can be considered evil. Those things are what made me who I am and took away who I would have been. I'm great at recognizing and countering such things beforehand, which in this case, countering is simply ignoring it. They can always lie about me, which I'm sure said someone always does, as that's how they role, but that's word versus word, so all is good there. And yeah ma, I won't punch any of them. I'm not dumb, even if they deserve it if they attempt it; yeah, it's pretty easy to see me lose it with you gone and them pulling that, but you do know me and where my line is there, so no need to worry about such. You know I have that hate, and you were there afterwards to hold me after I had to let it out when I was in hell; it only comes out when needed, and it's not needed here.

-10

Sad. About as sad as I can get, really.