scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-10

Yeah. I can make all of the promises outside of the one about being an alcoholic. To be fair, I'm a barely functional drugoholic courtesy of the state as is, so adding another chemical to the mix is quite benign when you really think about it. My prescriptions already come with a "multiple sedative medications" warning label. The funny thing is I don't feel sedated at standard doses (or the higher doses for that matter), and I don't when I add ethanol to the mix either. Big Pharma may just be watering their products down, as is Big Booze, or I just may be in a darker place than I think I'm in.

I remember in hospital once they kept on upping my Morphine to try and get me to sleep along with the other stuff, but it actually made me more alert (I was quite agitated at the time). They thought it was physical pain from wounds keeping me up, but nope, it was all in the brain there.

-4

My cousin Jen hasn’t messaged me back, I feel so lonely and really hate this pandemic. I’m mourning cousin Amber, Scrupulosity is acting up again, my in home support never showed up and obsessive cartoon character thoughts. Shedded a few tears while working on the kitchen. Holidays are very hard as far as deceased loved ones. My heart and mind are broken to pieces. I really need to meditate tonight

^Anybody who is DIY enough to "work on a kitchen" isn't all that bad, in my book.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Are you a carpenter?

At my typical 7.

The one good thing about time is that it helps with the PTSD, and even when it comes back in full, it's often not as long-lasting the further away you are. Instead of months (years too? I can't remember) of being unable to sleep, it might be weeks or even days. Nightmares and night-terrors haunt you all the same, but not as frequently, and you can still sleep with them, as you just go back to sleep. Even though I actually feel [far] worse right now for non-PTSD reasons, I've been sleeping reasonably well the past few days now (whereas for a few weeks prior not so much). Looks like a thunderstorm is coming, so we'll see.

Still really blah, but whatever, and it's hard to talk about. A lot of good conversations with her though. A lot of stuff from the past, and helping each other understand the life we've lived together and the things that have happened. She cries more than me at the time (she's not one to cry much either); I kinda cry afterwards, which is something I've always done. I go numb from intense emotion then let it out. Though, my eyes get red all the same at the time. She's the last piece of me. She got in touch with some family and older friends, but they're mostly stand-off (or don't really want to talk to her), I guess due to emotional reasons there, as it's not easy. Sometimes it's easier to close your eyes, and most really don't want to think about and look at disability and mortality. People will want happy things. I'll keep mine open though.

Distracting myself via working on the deck, which needs some beams and the floorboards replaced. Carpentry is quite easy. That's part of my promise there. Look after the place, and it's what I'll do (it's what I'd do anyway).

I've got one more unsent message to send, well it should be two, but I'll never speak to you. Some men from long ago that made me how I am in many ways (some of the broken ways). Then I guess it'll be to my mother when she's gone. Sigh. That'll be everyone that's left their mark on me, for good or bad.

Oh, -10 of course.

Thunderstorm missed. Won't send that unsent regarding those men that left their imprint, as it's something that someone else deserves to know rather than the world, and even if it's never shared, it's respectful to keep that one from the world regardless for that reason.

Seems like it's gonna be a painful Christmas. That's alright, though I keep on saying that's alright when it really isn't, but I guess that's alright too. Apparently they don't need to spike me to go to the hospital since I'm a long-term carer. That's the only reason I'd get vaccinated, i.e., for a loved one.

-8

I’m getting tired of being convinced my life is getting better then it falls apart again. What’s the point of life if you’re gonna just have terrible times again. I’m tired of doing things for people and they don’t even say thank you. I’m fed up with life especially my own!

Maybe that was because I behave more like a cat than a human.

Kinda glad it was me in the end and not someone else, as I can handle that pain; in reality, I already had precut lines on my body, and anything stressful enough would have sped it up all the same. Having things unmasked is one of those, it's gonna happen regardless deals, as life ain't easy for any of us.

-9

-10, but whatever. I say whatever a lot too when I care beyond words, but whatever I guess. I also say I guess a lot when I'm not actually guessing.

One of the most amusing things speaking with my mother recently (I'll take any amusement and its laughter I can get right now), is when she's telling me to watch out for women that'll want to mosey on in, as I'm those superficial things, and 1/2 can be taken off in the future because I'm a simple autistic man that lives a simple life and is quite boring in the end (kinda just want a quiet life, life, thanks; been a little too loud sometimes). That's actually a smart worry there, but, 1., I don't intend to get to know any woman in such a way, as I've known the only ones I want to know in that way and I'm fine with being alone for obvious reasons. 2., I am socially naive when it comes to social interactions, but I'm not dumb. This one makes me laugh. O mother (lol). The only worry is the someone wanting to contest things and get me deemed as unfit/whatever, which is actually far, far more upsetting. I know the psychopaths better than they know themselves. Once that life insurance someone gets runs dry, those envious eyes move around.

No, I'm not selling it either. I'll be here until I go to that unknown place all the same. Cats aren't fans of moving. Yes, I'd find my way back home, like I've always done.

Maybe I'll heal enough to shoot firearms again and return to that hobby, because land. Got lots of time to heal.

4

Another good conversation, and yeah, we're the same, and it allowed her to understand things. For both of us, as long as we're alive, the people we've known are always in our heads and are there with us at all times. She'll never die as long as I'm alive. I remember it all. She does too. The last interaction was if it was yesterday regardless of how long ago. I'd rather be this way, but it might be more painful for all in the end. She's more socially naive than I am (quite funny there), and I also learnt from all of this that autism isn't too much of an issue to me in the end when it comes to disability (outside of the hyperfocus and driving; this helps in other things though), that's other things. I'm glad I helped her understand how this works, as it was causing her pain when it came to her own interactions. Understanding lessens that one.

Kinda funny the autism and OCD came from her, but in the end, they really weren't an issue; they were just things I foisted my other bothers onto. She was doing fine with them her entire life until a 3rd and 4th thing came along, and I can't see her being any better than me with those two things. The same happened to me, just earlier. I think she's more socially impaired than I am, for example.

This makes me feel bad and guilty for my own though, as I understand how painful I can be for others and how that'd make them feel. I'm sorry.

-9

-9

Yeah, ma, the psychopaths will be speaking the lies to grab that positive attention behind backs, and that's just how they go. Not much we can do there, as you can't break the spell they invoke upon others. They lie about you, say things that hurt you to gain for them, and turn everyone against you with those lies. It makes me very sad for you and also angry. You can tell those they've mentally trapped and they'll never believe you; they can't see, and partly because they don't want to admit they got tricked so hard. This cuts about as deep as it can go; your friends and family turned against you. Likely some of the most severe emotional and mental abuse that can be done on another human. It's true evil. You won't suffer them when you go to that unknown place, and you'll also be free from your even more severe tinnitus you suffer from (which is quite ironic; you got more severe from your one in a million condition along with medical treatment that exacerbated it). You've had it as hard as me, or even more as I could ignore these specific psychopaths, and you can't ignore family; I'm just a son. You're a mother. You have trouble sleeping all the same. You were always great to me and tried to make it stable for me as a kid since you didn't have that one (this is is another reason why you had it harder as I had a good childhood because of you), and you're the mother I'd wish to always have, but you know that; I'd choose you over any human to ever exist to have as one. That's why I try to help you regardless of how much trouble I also have (yeah, I know you feel bad for that, but don't), as you've earned that one multiple times.

We've basically lived the same life just with some details switched around. You're a nicer person than I am. You say I'm too nice, but nah, too nice wouldn't have done some of the things I've done. I'm probably an overall good person though, just not that nice. I may be polite to all, even those that don't deserve it, but don't mistake that for being nice; there's darkness in my heart, and it's looking at the same things my eyes see, and I just learnt being cordial from hurting one too many via speaking the truth when growing up. I respect those that speak their mind and break that politeness barrier when it's justified, much like you do.

That star was for you.

8. I feel accomplished and don't really care if people like my presentation or not. I hope they zone out and don't listen.

I'll like it. Just pretend you're explaining to me.

I will do that I actually like explaining these things to people, Just have a fear of public speaking.