scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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At my typical 7.

-10

It can be all quite cruel and mean, but that's what most of us share to various amounts. I've got a lot of pain (we all do), a lot of trauma (who doesn't), scars (yeah, you've got those too), and lost the most precious things to me (who hasn't/won't). As I say, that's how that one goes and how the cards fall on the table.

Felt that neutral acceptance stage for a bit today, but then something hit me and put me on the ground again (both figuratively and literally). Starts looking a little better and...yeah.

I have no idea what's on the other side of this one. Got promises to keep though, so I guess that's the other side. That works. Feels like if things continue as they are it'll just get too much, but I've always come back all the same. It'll be just me this time; I appreciate beyond words for you always being there when I fell apart (I just saw myself as a burden and didn't want to be a bother), and you didn't have to, as I knew I could do it. So, that'll answer that one.

Yeah, not a good Christmas this year.

-10

Maybe it's karmic debt, not in any supernatural way, but just the trail of pain I have left, whether intended or not. Live by the sword. I've left emotional pain all over just as I have the physical. I've hurt far too many people that didn't deserve it, emotionally. Those I've hurt physically, had it coming (not good people there), but they too had people that cared for them all the same, and would feel emotional pain from that. It all looks back at me the same.

Yeah, some will say I'm a good person and nice, but that person doesn't leave those things in his footsteps.

Maybe I deserve it all. Maybe I deserve far more. Maybe I'm the bad guy that just tried to pay things off by looking after his mother and helping animals whether he knew it or not.

0

Felt pretty rough for a couple of days after my Pfizer covid booster jab but feeling a lot better today.

-2

For some reason, I doubt you deserve what you feel is your "karma," Dillogic.

My usual 7. I rarely slip below that. Generally upbeat.









Of course unless i fall in to a manic depression spiral. Which is always possible, if life comes crashing down around me.

I have always had horrific anxiety, since being a kid. I used to get beaten in my swimwear by a relative (I won't say who as I want to protect their identity). The person doing it said I needed to 'toughen up' and 'be a man', which carried over into my biological adulthood (where I was still a child in my mind for a long time) - as a desire to be more 'manly', even though I have never acted remotely like a man - certainly not a white man.

I remember having to do a long speech in a Catholic church I was a part of in primary school, which gave me some experience in facing my fears head on. In primary school, since I was disabled, I was a prime target for bullies, but managed to surround myself with some 'tough kids' - a (biological) black guy who when he was 9 years old had the physique of a 15 year old and also a karate black-belt, (biological) Vietnamese kid. Spending time with those people ensured I didn't get beaten to a pulp every break time. I think they accepted me as they knew I would be targeted & they actively wanted more fights to 'prove their mettle'. Also, I sucked up to them.

But then in high school, I was eventually isolated, apart from two 'friends' who were more like acquaintances, who only spent time with me because they didn't have the social skills themselves to blend in with the other high school people. They never protected me when bullies targeted me. In fact, on one occasion they watched me get beaten up by two 'tough guys' and did nothing.

I was beaten to a pulp, my head thrown against a stone wall. I bounced off the wall and fell in a heap. Luckily they didn't kick me whilst on the floor.

^ That is so horrifying, i am so sorry you had to go through this. Horror stories like this blow my mind, i guess being a man is really harder in some aspects.

I wasn't bullied much in school, i had a few friends that were generally kind and motherly types and they protected me. I didn't really feel close to them but i am grateful for these type of people, who don't want to see anyone left alone.

Honestly, my life is been unrelentingly difficult. I don't say that to gain sympathy, or to gain victim 'brownie' points. But yeah, my life path has been like running through a wall of nails, repeatedly.

It depends on what type of man you are. If you are an effeminate, submissive man, I would argue that life is harder for this demographic of people than any other, even biological females. You are at the mercy of other predatory men - and predatory women too. Everyone is out to get you, basically.

I hope things will get better from now on. Also needing and wanting sympathy isn't a bad thing. Everyone deserves that.

It depends on your values, really, doesn't it?

I personally require little sympathy to move forward. But yes, sympathy is nice, occasionally. Thank you.

I hope you are not being bullied at present, Blitzkrieg.

I was bullied a lot in school myself. I was "beaten to a pulp" a few times, too.

Not anymore, no. I think I've gotten rid of some trolls. But I haven't really been bullied properly for a long time now. I isolate myself in real life to keep away from people, mostly.

Yeah, guys getting bullied by other guys is way more common and brutal than women getting bullied by other women. Although that does happen too.

Maybe. I do have a habit of self-depreciation/self-blame. Though, I think we pick up all the "bad" things we've done and they manifest themselves in their own way within us as we live. Ideally, you learn from them rather than let them hurt you [as much], as well as others.

Anyway, midday low negatives/closer to neutral right now. Mornings and afternoons/nights always get me.