scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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That was fun.

-10

New symptoms. Absent (no big deal) and generalized tonic-clonic/Grand mal seizures. Looks basically the same as the tetany, just altered consciousness. Recovery position. Same medication. Greater than 5 minutes = hospital. Likely not as dangerous as the tetany now that I think about it, though the combo might not be that great for breathing. Oximeter went flying so I couldn't check that one.

Yeah, that kinda adds another hole in my heart there, but hey, I'm not the one experiencing it so I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself (it's out of care you idiot). Only about a minute, so that's good. Guess they'll want her license now (not that she drives, but it's a good boost of mental health there), but maybe the neuro is cool in that regard.

Side-note for myself: TN can be triggered by enough acute stress. Guess that answered that one. Could also be from not remembering getting whacked in the face when holding her in the recovery position though (basic EMT stuff is quite useful). Diastolic hit 110 too now that I remember. Need to tell neuro that when he can get back to me. She made an interesting noise just before the Grand mal, which Wiki is calling the ictal cry.

I'd normally go and punch myself, but typing this helped that one. I'll just cry instead. I might try and get drunk too because I have poor coping mechanisms; it's all self-harm in the end.

Yeah, sigh.

4. I feel anxious and my chest feels heavy.

An incredibly unusual, yet solid +10.

-7

Sigh. Could sleep (to be fair, it requires the...good stuff), so that's good. Lots of nightmares/night-terrors of the past though. Still upset from her seizure from the night before, which would have done the nightmare/night-terror stuff. Spoke to neuro, and yeah, not much can be done there other than increase medication as we know the cause (recommended scans, but she doesn't want to, and she's right as it's a waste of time; it's simply due to the absence of GABA in the CNS leading to hyperexcitability). Life ain't easy.

Despite it being late, 8. Infinity.

Negative and neutral can sometimes feel the same. The same as acceptance and defeat. Feeling numb and overwhelmed at the same time, which is odd, but I guess I'll go with that one.

Nah, it doesn't bother me when you speak of such things, but I know why you don't like that dark humor with me there. It makes me laugh actually, and I know you thought it was funny when I told you why they replaced those medications on the market with the new ones (yes, I do know a lot of facts), and how it's physically impossible to do such with the new ones. You were there when everything caught up with me and I tried palm-reading the wrong way. But, you can't read the future that way; the answer is when you're glad you survived. Not only because I ended up as the only one left. I'll forever be sorry for this. Don't worry about me there, as I'm good. I'll let the time fall how it goes until it naturally runs out, and not just because of the promises I have to keep. The sand may get a little more diluted with my tears, but that's kinda how loss goes. There'll be more good times all the same, along with some bad ones. Just life.

The only behavior of any note to maybe worry about me is if my Irish moonshining genes kick in, but nah, I'll only ever distill water, as one can never have enough fresh water. Lots of rainwater and the same from the river here, and it's cheaper than bottled.

Neutral/numb

Alright though. Not talkative, which will save this board from my blogs (lol). On the talkative note, I've noticed that the dial tone of the phone hurting a little more when I have to make phone calls, then people can't hear me as I don't talk that loud, so I have to increase the volume of my voice (which sounds weird to me). I've been talking to a lot of doctors lately, along with the usual ordering stuff for delivery. I guess if you don't talk all that much to others you go to what you find tolerable for yourself, and if you've got hearing damage, it is quite a bit less than normal.

I can kinda tell who has good hearing or not when they don't ask me to talk louder.

I also have trouble understanding the outsourced to foreigners employees (even what sounds like Eastern Europeans), which will be due to the hearing damage. (Yeah, you can't escape my blog that easily.)

+4. I love my girlfriend.

negatives and numbness

"Yeah, there was something odd about him on the phone, not normal." Always funny to hear from a second party. Sometimes you forget how odd your verbal/nonverbal behavior is to others. "It must be quite stressful for Dill!" It's nothing new, and it's not me who is going through it. I have and had my own trials, and this one isn't mine.

Midday thunderstorm. Didn't even care. Numb is good I suppose.

At my typical 7.

negative negatives

Not all that a good time for me, but that'll be evident by now. I see mostly negatives, but I do my best to focus on the positives, as they're always there no matter how dark it looks; light shines all the same. Regrets are there, but that's likely selfish stuff there, so disregard. But then, most pain comes from selfishness, even if it's out of care for others; you don't want that person to feel bad because it makes you feel bad too, even if you care more for their pain than yours. You say I'm tough, but I don't think I am. Sometimes you can appear tough if you don't show emotion, but I feel it all the same. I still function in hard times, sure, but sometimes we have no other choice, which is why I fall apart now and again. Once out of it, it catches up with you, and it does get too much for everyone.

Christmas to everyone here if that's their thing (Oz, so Christmas Eve here, which is when I wish it, along with the Day).

negative nature or nurture

Another midday thunderstorm was a nice touch there life. Just a friendly reminder that the shadows cast by the dark clouds are always there as are the violent thunderclaps. Lots of them happening during the day lately. Almost as if a portent if I were a superstitious type. Funny how it bothered me today; numbness is that stage beyond feeling when one is too overwhelmed, and I've only been numb when as low as I can go and broken all over the hospital. Which probably means I'm at that threshold and sometimes beyond it. I'm beyond the point of breaking and I'm still whole. What I am now actually is all that remains. Maybe he's tougher, like the person you say I am.

The one good thing about a Grand mal is that the individual isn't aware, as it'd likely be quite painful with awareness. The heartbreaking thing is when someone experiences functionally the same thing but is aware, and I see that one often. I've seen a lot of things, and seeing those you care for in pain is the hardest.

-3. Christmas is so hard sometimes. I want to like it, but it's tough sometimes.

I remember staring at the red sun with little discomfort. The smoke from the fires kept the burning away, the chaos blocking the chaos. It gave me perspective, even if I'm not sure of what. It felt more like a smoke signal, for what I'm also not sure (other than the obvious). My suspicion often crosses over into superstition, as I don't have the pride and arrogance to presume I know how reality fully works. Then around 10 million people died the following year from something that likely was born from pride and arrogance, and far more suffered from the fear and uncertainty. I also don't have the pride and arrogance to presume this is connected via anything but the fleeting connections of my mind, rather I see how the destruction continues on, and suffering follows.

I feel sorry for humanity there. I was already pre-conditioned, so I wasn't bothered anywhere near as much.

O, and thank you. I truly do.

a little positive, even if this sounds negative

1 now, slightly above average