scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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negative no glory

Midday thunderstorm again. Things are cyclical it seems. Reliving the same pain day to day, but the pain of the thunder is of no real bother outside of sleep and it's often your distraction, if it needs something to trigger it, it burns out, it's transient. It doesn't matter. The ones that are always there regardless of the weather are those that truly hurt, as there's no forgetting; in the darkness, light, depths, shallows, good and bad times. The pain of others. The good things you've lost. The bad things you've gained. Just normal life things, and they're the precious things to me.

I don't really want to talk about this stuff regarding my mother, but I think I need to mention it somewhere now and again for my own mental health (I have nothing else there; literally nothing else, as I can't seek additional treatment which just means hospital), which is why I have. My mother was upset a lot today due to her own bad luck. This upset led to an attack of her condition, which ended in another Grand mal (I guess that's going to be a reoccurring theme now). Sigh. Neuro is away for a couple of weeks. Gonna have to add Gabapentin or something similar as an adjunct there when he gets back (which I've thought would be a good idea for some time now). Recovery position again, though more like recovery against my chest since she was sitting (I could get her on her side and functionally in the same position as if she were prone; it worked).

Life kinda sucks sometimes, and yeah, not the best Christmas. I have some peace in something else, which gave relief by pushing the darkness back quite a bit today.

-3

Hopefully you feel better soon, Flown.

negatives are just agonizing noise

I need to get a lock of hair from my mother. The physical reminder allows us to remember more, the strands of time, and the sweet scent is always there even when they no longer are. I'm sentimental. A part of me never wants the reminders, but the rest of me can't let go, which sometimes leads to emotional ruin. I'll take that ruin over forgetting.

It's nice how she worries so much how I'll be, which I understand, and I'd be a mess if I had kids to be honest (it's beside the point I am anyway), but it'd be far worse if I were the one to go, as she's less functional than I am now and it'd be harder for her. Yeah, I'd have been homeless [and almost certainly dead by now] if you were never there, but you were, and I can manage these things as I have been for at least a decade now, from what I learnt.

Feeling remorseful and hopeless. Maybe mental illness, maybe not.

4, -4 earlier, making progress, came close to another meltdown. I’m kinda disappointed in my cousin for not wishing me a happy birthday, not grudge holding, I just want to ask her in a polite way “hey there, why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday? That hurt a little” but tonight I’m in the mood for participating in fun posts to keep the fire of peace tonight burning

negative sorta like Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow combined

My heart got destroyed a long time ago in reality. It's been a dark hole since. Heartbreak with an already broken heart isn't the same. Sadly, my brain is fully dysfunctional, so those electrical impulses hit quite hard. The courage has always been there, which is why I'm still here.

I got a lock of hair.

She told me she wants to be put to sleep under the likely circumstances in hospital, which is her choice. That'll fall to me I guess. I don't like giving up. Which might be my problem, but it can help sometimes. I have obvious trouble letting go. Sudden death will likely do her in though, like most of them with her condition. Is it that day today? That thought is always there. Not much I can do there if it's via autonomic dysfunction other than the usual CPR.

Memories of abuse and thunder brighten my day until it burns. Bad times always latch onto other bad times when it comes to me, so I never experience just the one.

-4. Feeling very depressed

4. I am scared of looking for a job at this point. I don't know what to answer if someone asks me why do you have so little experience?"

10+

It doesn't get much better!

negative just another nameless nobody of note walking this one alone

Edit: I should stop spamming my pain and memories here and stick to numbers and keeping it simple. It's not my blog or group therapy.

-10

Been better. Hopefully it gets better. Doesn't really look like it. That's alright though, as I survive.

It varies, anything from a 8 or a 9, to as low as a 3, or a 4. Depending on what I'm a around, what is happening, what experiencing.

Right now , my usual calm 7.

0

I'm too sick to enjoy anything at all on my holiday. I can't even enjoy food because my gob's full of sores and cuts.