scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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I'm happy for a friend. ^ I think that's even more exciting than being happy for ourselves. My self is about a 3, very tired and still a lot of expectations to fulfil this week (two birthdays, an anniversary, an appt, and the dreaded changing-of-the-year). I'm glad you're feeling a little better though. I hope your physical discomfort is a bit better too.

At my typical 7.

+6. I love her.

neutral/negative something

One of those acceptance days. I don't really feel any better mentally and physically, but I stop looking for reasons why the bad things happen/happened and why those undeserving suffer so much, which stops me from looking into the past too much, as that just brings upsetting memories that are of no real use and just make things harder (some good memories though, which are always nice). There's often no reason/s why in these matters, reasons we had no real control over anyway in most of them. Focusing on the present is more useful, as life is basically just the cycle of the present. I've already used everything up, so even if all I see is darkness day by day, and for the future, there's nothing it can really take from me now. Hopeful that I'm as low as I can go (lol).

I love someone too, though it probably shouldn't exist (long gone love), but it does as I daydream, something created by the trauma of life and the places I've been. The love has existed for a long time. The trauma makes you hide, and in those places you don't have much, just memories and dreams between screams, madness and noise, and you bring back what you learnt with you. So I daydream of love. Which probably sounds sad as hell. Maybe it is, but it's all I had/have, and it kept/keeps me sane, hopeful. Dreams are just dreams, as is life. She'd understand this.

The trauma took that love, which is the heartbreaking thing. I hope she's happy and she found love, because she deserves that one.

Wow! that is a lot going on in one week! I hope you make time for yourself to decompress!

I'm back to a -3 today, unfortunately. I'm feeling really fatigued and dizzy. I need to make an appointment for a sleep study, but I'm worried they will want me to do one in a lab (which won't work).

Yesterday was AWFUL. I thought I was feeling better in the morning, but I had a full meltdown with uncontrollable sobbing/"ugly crying" and strong su1c1dal ideations around lunch.

neutral/negative daydreams, monologues of nameless men, past and present, no worries and hopes

Annoyingly long again. Daydreams of you good. Men [and women] suffer alone in the white corridors from the things they've experienced, and they often only have one another to share things with, if that; they never get their lives back in the end and many of them die too early, but many can often heal somewhat. Their suffering is in files in a hospital. I'll hold your hand till the end and you're no bother to me, and I'll be fine, so don't worry about me. I hope she doesn't dislike me, but I understand if so as people withdrawing hurts, no matter the reason.

0/-5 or something

4 or maybe 5.

physically - 0
emotionally - 5
spiritually - 3
mentally - mashed potatoes

^ Hugs. Mentally sending you those protection charms i mentioned.

Hugs back ^

I googled. I may need a new desktop picture!

^ Haha, do it! I have so many of them, really wish i could send you a gift!

Your PM are my gift.

That made me smile

Feeling about 7 now, thanks to you

Oh my goodness! I laughed so hard at the last part. I can really relate. I feel like the mashed potatoes that are too runny ;P I have had a rough week overall.

I'll steal your format:
physically: -2. I have been taking benadryl after an allergic reaction (didn't realize I was near peanuts), and I am so groggy and dizzy. I have to be careful with benadryl, or it can bottom out my already low BP
emotionally: 0. WTF, life?!
spiritually: I don't even know...
mentally: -1. Slightly better than yesterday.

negative man must suffer for suffering is man

I'm trying my best not to avert my eyes, as I feel I need to share that pain, even if nothing I can do will alleviate it. Another attack into Grand mal. It really is the hardest thing on your soul or whatever you want to call that feeling of where your humanity resides, seeing the ones you love in agony. She even apologizes, which is just another layer of pain as there's nothing to apologize for.

I'd face everything I've faced a million times over than have to face this one, but you do what you must.

negative in sickness and in health, right dad

70 seconds for today's Grand mal (I'm quite good at counting when I'm in stressful situations; old habits and all that, though this is more of that heartbreaking situation, which is far harder). At least she already has medication used to help such. Neuro still away, but she'll need Topamax or something there now since it looks like it'll happen all the time (seems like that'd be the best to treat both conditions). Recovery position against my chest and all that fun stuff.

I can't burn out as there's nothing left to burn. I've only ever been on the floor in a ball out of pain for you, not that you're a handful; you've never been such to me. You say you wouldn't be here if I weren't, but that goes both ways, so fair's fair there; my turn to keep you alive now. Don't say that, that it's a distraction from my pain; your pain is my pain. The pain of my life, the personal pain, who really cares about that one when it comes to me. I only care because it's hurt others and caused loss. I know you do, and thank you. The sad thing is how they tell you it must be hard on Dill, as if I'm somehow a delicate thing; I'm a burnt thing, and you're the one suffering.