Rants

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My sister came to visit for my graduation this past weekend, and while here, she and my dad got into a fight after he said something bigoted and she called him a bigot. Last night, after she left to go home, he decided to cancel a trip, an entire trip, because it had included a visit to her.

I wrote her an email to inform her of this, and I reiterated a point I had made in person about the increased effectiveness of saying "you sound like a racist" over "you are a racist." Check out YouTube for the NY guy who speaks about social issues around hip hop for more.

But, I accidentally sent the email to Dad instead of my sister. He's furious, even though I have spoken to him at length about his bigoted views, and have basically cut off a whole branch of Mom's family for openly racist speech and attitudes.

I'm writing about it here so that I will just leave the situation alone for a while. I sent explanatory messages to Mom and Sis, and a brief statement of the above paragraph to Dad. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

I had one of my worst meltdowns today. I was at a doctor's office and I forgot to bring my ID and Medicare with me. At that point, I got upset, and I started to knock everything off the table and magazine rack. I only stopped because my husband stopped me. My FIL also got very angry at me.

I ended up having to reschedule my appointment, and it doesn't help that I have to stay up for 24 hours before my EEG tomorrow. I am taking this because I have reason to believe some of my medication is causing me increased anxiety.

I sometimes envy such people as Angelina Jolie and Kate Middleton, because they seem to live better lives than I do. I wish I had their lives and maturity; instead, I am stuck with the mentality of DW Read from Arthur, and I hate it every time I melt down. I also fear that my meltdowns make me more of an unlikable person, and I could lose respect from having more of them (even my husband's).

Right now, my number one fear is rejection and dying alone, and I hate for that to happen to me because of my immaturity. I am incredibly scared of my husband leaving me, despite the fact that he also has AS, as well as not being hired for any job, as I have been out of work for 6 months now. I recently applied for a job at a library, but I doubt they will hire me because 1. of my unemployment gap, 2. I don't know as much about the Dewey Decimal system as I used to, and 3. I lack reliable transportation, since I can't drive.

That is all.

I am so sick of people telling me I don't look my age.
I'm even thinking of putting my age down if that will make them happy, If people say to me about issues that effect 5o+ year olds I can say "But I have 20 or 30 years to go before I have that problem"
Or if they say about something that happened a long time ago like the moon landing I'll just say "that was long before my time" see how they like that.

It is hot, and I feel frustrated, furious and depressed at the same time. I've been really fed up lately with everything. It seems like I'm bound to do the same s**t, expend my little energy in a hopeless attempt to be something that I'm not, and go places that I can never be. Nothing ever changes, it's just the same s**t, over and over again, caught in a cosmic eddy and swirling in a stupid little circle alongside all the rest of the trash in the river. I'm so hot that I think I'm going to melt. f**k summer. I think I'm dying or something. My head is starting to hurt and I feel like crap. I been dealing with this same s**t for forever, and I keep doing this, cause I think that there's some point to it, like someone actually cares about my existence and wouldn't like to have me gone, but what if the whole thing is totally pointless and I'm just wasting my life suffering when no one gives a s**t and it's all just so f****d up that I can't even do this??! !!

I want to just delete everything on my hard drives, die a peaceful death and be buried alongside my computers. Fml

I'm tired of being made out to be the bad guy, when I try so goddamned hard to be a good guy. [this does not pertain to wrongplanet, btw]

I am going on vacation and two of my sisters can visit for a few days, the other has a wedding the same week I have off. We were going to do a big family get together for a week, now that wont happen.

Moving can drive anyone crazy. I've had a rough day, but I didn't get a lot accomplished.

So, I went to be earlier, had slept LONGER.

Had ate enough not to be hungry for the entire afternoon.

And fell asleep during an exercise just because it's goddamned cold. I got scorned for it despite how much effort and energy I put up to it for the next day. Of course no one said the room is cold, because it's already warm FOR THEM AT LEAST.
This cold weakness is getting ridiculous. It's always a nuisance to have this, whenever chances it happens. As it's one of the very few that could only make me sick or weak. I already have to deal with bringing a goddamned handkerchief or cloth whenever I go because of this stupid allergy, now I have to bring warm jackets every time? AND WHAT'S WORSE IT'S SUMMER. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SUMMER HEAT. AS MUCH AS I'M THE ONLY ONE COMPLAINING THAT THE ROOM IS TOO COLD FOR ME, BUT NEVER FOR EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE OF THE SUMMER HEAT. AND DESPITE HOW I TRIED TO TRAIN MYSELF TO BE MORE TOLERANT TO COLD, IT NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE I KEPT BEING SICK, AND I DON'T LIKE TO STAY SICK, WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT I JUST END UP BEING LESS TOLERANT AGAINST HEAT IF I DO THAT INSTEAD!! I'm fine with a sensitive stomach because I can will it. When heat turns unbearable, I can will it more because the heat itself keeps me more awake than tired. BUT COLD MAKES ME FALL ASLEEP NO MATTER WHAT EVEN I'M NOT TIRED TO BEGIN WITH. AND IT'S A STUPID NUISANCE TO HAVE BECAUSE I HAD ENOUGH WITH PEOPLE THINKING I HAVE A STUPID EXCUSE.

So many caps, so many lines... I can learn Body language nuisances, but not cold tolerance. Hahahaha. -.-

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

The jackass in the den is at it again. He's raised hell with me this evening for running the dishwasher more than one time a day, every day. First off, I don't run it several times a day, only when the amount of dishes demand it. I ran it a second time today because I found several dishes THAT HE SUPPOSEDLY WASHED, that were still dirty. His idea of washing dishes I'd run hot water over then, then put them back in the cabinets. I've worked in food service long enough to know that the smallest speck of dirt is cause enough for that disk or utensil must be rewashed. Second, he has no concept on how to load a dishwasher for the largest load and most efficient washing. Third, I never see his scrub down either the countertops or the range or clean out the crud from the dishwasher (and, to be fair, neither did i, until I saw the dishes weren't coming clean.

I swear this clown has an ulterior motive: namely, forcing me out of this place, especially after one of the other tenants and I tried to force him out after getting nothing but disrespect from him, the constant partying and serving underage guys alcohol, as well as eating my food and taking my computer equipment out of my room without my permission, and borrowing my phone and iPad without my permission while I'm not at home. If he wants to start playing that game with the dishes, I'll just start buying paper plates and plastic utensils for everyone's use, as well as aluminum foil for cooking.

a prime first world problem- some hapless bug committed kinetic hara kiri on me windshield and splattered its bug guts in the lower portion of my windshield where the washer fluid refuses to go, so i ended up smearing its opaque nasty yellow custard matter all over my windshield with the wiperblades in an attempt at clearing it off, resulting in a nasty custard yellow film across my driver's side windshield. DAMN!

I want to say a big f**k YOU to everyone on this forum, another forum I'm on, and in real life, who has been treating me like s**t when I haven't done ANYTHING to them.

I'm so tired of being silenced and I hate how easy it is for people online to silence others. On Facebook, on Twitter, on Tumblr, etc. I hate how superior they act when they try to tell me I'm the one who's wrong without actually explaining how I'm wrong or where I posted wrongness. I hate that people have been trying to silence my voice for so long, especially when I've finally found it and I'm trying so d*** hard to do good, to help make the world a better place and all they care about are their d*** opinions and how I don't communicate like them so I'm some sort of freak who doesn't deserve respect because I refuse to kowtow to their views.

I HATE how they claimed they were my friends, how they said they "got" me, which would only mean that if they really did "get" me then they gave zero F***s about me and were nothing like a friend. A real friend doesn't block someone with no explanation and then talk behind their back about what a horrible person they are. A real friend doesn't come on to a board and tell someone that they just need to shut up or risk losing their "friends." Bull crap. They were the farthest things from friends I could get and they stabbed me in the back because I dared to lower my guard and trust them! How they can even feel good about insulting someone, ganging up on them, and shutting them down and silencing them I don't even know.

I hate that they made it that much more difficult for me to even want to leave my house, to socialize (hahahhahaha). I've become so bitter and angry I don't want to deal with people, I never want to open myself up again, I cannot trust anyone ever again. They didn't care at all about me, they just cared about themselves and being "right." Even though they didn't actually disagree with me, it was just "the way you word things" being the problem. Really? Having over 30 people decide that I'm not worth anything because they don't like how I communicate even though my message is actually fine?? That's worth stabbing me in the back over?? AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR THEM! It hurts so f***ing much I want to stab myself in the chest to make the pain stop, but they're not worth it. They can try to silence me, they can shut me out, but I'm still allowed to write, I'm still allowed to speak. I just wish I hadn't trusted them in the first place.

I don't know what to rant about. Isn't this rant-worthy in its own right?

the people who think they can climb the ladder of success, then pull it up behind them so nobody else can follow them, can all go suck eggs AFAIC.

I'm discovering that there are more things missing, important things, that my husband threw out... I found a bag in the garage he had missed and managed to go through it and found my mom's baby shoes, and all the shoes the kids still wear. I'm glad I found those... but I wish I'd been able to save all the other things, like the Build-a-Bear animals his parents gave the kids with specially recorded messages... You can't replace that.

Nothing he says can make it better. Nothing he does can make it better. Everything is gone, and he didn't even respect me enough to let me help, he just threw it all out. He didn't even tell me until I got home. He didn't even listen to my brother who was warning him against it.

I don't even know how I feel about it. Betrayed? Angry, hurt, depressed, hopeless, like just curling up in a ball and crying... I feel like he didn't even think about us, like all he cared about was getting rid of as much of the kids' stuff as possible. I wish there was something I could do to make this all feel better... I don't know what to do, I just want to leave and go be alone... but he ran off to hang out with his friends... so I don't even get that.