scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-9/-10

Some things are better left in those white halls or those personal/professional conversations. Feeling quite upset, but that's how life goes.

6. Slightly tired. Messed up circadian rhythm.

9. Life is beautiful sometimes.

-5 (emotionally -10)

Feeling sad for myself, which makes me feel guilty and bad as I don't like those selfish thoughts, but I guess that's a good thing as it means there's still some human there. If you don't care for those things you miss, the things you want and the things that make you sad, it means you don't care, and even if selfish, that's how you find selflessness.

I get a lot of depersonalization/derealization, which is why I sometimes don't know where I am nor recognize the same, hence sometimes getting lost. I want to go exploring, and maybe with a phone I'll be alright there. It likely sounds stupid, but I kinda think I'll sometimes find who I was before it all. It comes and goes, and is more frequent during those hospital times (not in hospital and functioning alright, so I'll call this one a win too). Medication continues to be helping a loved one, so thanks whomever. I hope you're well.

7.

3. I'm so tired, my limbs hurt.

-4 (emotionally -8 or something), the past and stuff

Alright (comparatively speaking). Acceptance. Remorseful. Guilt. Which comes from those selfish thoughts, as you see both sides if you can. Kinda annoyed in that I should have stayed around a few years ago, but I was too broken then, too vulnerable. You can only do what you can do at the time. I ran to that light because of the daydreams. What set me off in late 2016, something so simple, showed how close to the surface it's always been (not just how it affects how I interact with others). It has made me want to die constantly for decades, and this is from one of those upsetting things I don't mention, but they're my feelings from it. I often thought I should never have fought and just sacrificed myself to end the suffering. Sorry. Survival instincts were stronger. They still are. I still wrapped my leg up and went to the hospital all the same a few years ago from Mr. Snake.

It's one of those lives I've seen numerous times. I ended up being needed though, so life worked out in that way. I never had a family to lose (maybe I did), even if I lost love.

At my typical 7.

0/-1, alright and why I dream

My daydreams aren't all that complex, and it's not really a world. It's very simple (simple having the grandest connotation here), and taken from words and sights, of a life I wanted/want; I use them to run from the complex past, memories and the pain of the same. It's that, or relive and disassociate, which leads to things like the madness in the mountains the other week. I'll take the dreams when I can. They took me from life, but I wouldn't have been functional in life all the same because undone seams. They've kept me sane and human in those bad times and made me happy in those times of healing. It kinda feels selfish to me that I do, but I'd repay if I could. It started after witnessing something no human should. Instant dissociation, then the brain finding things outside of reality, even if grounded in it, to stop that pain. A couple of different ones over the decades, though the second has been there the longest and replaced the former. I haven't been doing it that much lately, because I've been thinking. Just therapy here, but mostly thanks.

Kinda funny to me that it's the simple things (not simple, but you know), when most normal people dream of grand or adventurous/exciting things. Some of them aren't all that exciting, they're just sad when viewed through a different looking glass.

At my typical 7.

-2 (slept well and have had energy today, first time in over a week)

Right now -6, The world just won’t stop getting colder! What did we do to deserve the last 2 years. I’m through, I had it. I just want one normal day. Why is it so easy to slip into problems today? I’m beginning to wonder why we’re still all here alive but suffering. I think I’m losing my mind

4?
I'm not doing all that horribly even though I've plenty of reasons to.

0/-1

Alright still. She is still doing better on the new medications (less suffering there for her, which selfishly helps me emotionally); I figured they would, but I shouldn't play neurologist (right is right though, which is something people tend to forget; a layman can be right all the same). Thinking of the loud and violent things led to some of the good memories attached to them, because there are, they're just overshadowed. Good memories of bad things always lead to good memories of those good things to me, and they make me feel some of that peace I know exists in this world, which makes me smile (I don't smile all that much).

Gonna go exploring tomorrow, because I might not be that stupid, but I'll make sure I have a phone with me.

4. I am so tired i don't even have the energy to feel sad.

At my typical 7.