scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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4. "Always waiting for the bigger axe to fall..."

0, alright and amused.

So yeah, lost everything on the laptop. At least reformatting it fixed the errors (I think). Thus, the trial of Dill goes on; finding who he was, coming to terms with the past, righting wrongs, searching for the loved one and keeping those promises are apparently fraught with danger and arduous events as he walks the abyss, like utilizing the neighbor's mobile phone, reformatting laptops and wondering if he's hallucinating everything. I'd rather a duel with a giant monster or something at the top of a castle to be honest, along with fighting the hordes of smaller ones on the way there.

She's been doing some gardening because of the medications.

-2

Couldn't sleep due to thinking too much about loud memory stuff, but I don't feel too bad. Yeah, I'm not hallucinating that shared signal there; it is real, and I know that as much as I can about anything. Kinda feel bad thinking it maybe wasn't (sorry), but I make mistakes, and I'll admit and apologize for them.

Something that surprised me is that my mother asked me what would I do if I had nothing but myself, including promises, and I told her I'd become a contractor and hopefully die on the battlefield. She nodded and wasn't upset. I guess she understands. Maybe I follow her more than my father there.

6. Peaks and troughs.

Another one of those bad evenings, but I guess I'm a broken record here. Some things I have trouble handling, and it's obviously seeing loved ones in so much pain (yeah, she said sorry as I was holding her during it; that'll be the quickest way to send me -10). I'll take the loud things any day. She said nice things about me afterwards, but I don't know about that one. Not everyone in my life could rely on me. It doesn't keep me awake, but it hurts far more at the time. I don't know what to do to help other than what I do. She couldn't walk yesterday, but today was better.

I hope you're well.

At my typical 7.

negative just a nameless nobody, a dial-tone and a therapist on the other end

Was looking like a good evening, but life can go from 0 to -10 quicker than you realize as the sun falls. She doesn't have to thank me. I got to mow the lawn though, which always makes me happy. Feeling a bit better now. Good old night terrors. I spoke to services because me have a special disability card because me apparently "special" (yeah, I'm using the negative connotation with that word). I just repeated the same stuff I've done a million times by now, but when it's a little more stressful, repeating those same old things to a professional stranger helps. She seemed nice enough, albeit they're meant to. She didn't have a high-pitched voice, which always helps there with a phone.

Missing someone far too much, and it's bordering on hurt.

At my typical 7.

Probably about a 2. My wifi access dies at 8pm Az time and I'm sick and tired of feeling so suffocated here at home. I'm still trying, and I'm still hopeful, but I also still feel like what I like to call girbidge, cause saying garbage like that makes me feel a little better.

5. Ducks are nearly in a row, but yet another rotten cough and cold arrives. "Up, down, turn around, please don't let me hit the ground..."

-10

Just life feeling too heavy. I'll give services a call again, as they help with that tangential stuff too, where life gets f****d up from those things. I know exactly what they'll say, but I kinda just feel like hearing a human with a kind voice, even if they don't really care (some do, of course). Just my mother there, and she has enough to deal with, and that one sends me to -10 all the same. I'd rather someone smile at me in reality, as that's the thing that touched me the most after the bad life things sent me to the first hospital.

(I really should go back to daydreaming.)

At my typical 7.

-9

Lack of sleep. Shouldn't have looked at things. I, [more] vulnerable, and feel too much.

The old cop boyfriend of my sister used to think I'd go off and do illicit drugs when I'd go for my daily therapeutic marches through the forests and mountains. Yeah, he wasn't too bright there. I taught him how to shoot properly because cop training sucks, so if he survives/survived one, he can thank me there.

-3

Dark rooms, open blinds with thunder and the lightning causing those sunspots in your eyes. I'm seeing an angel smile at me rather than feel the panic from the past booms and cries from this thunderstorm. That'll be a win.

20. 40. Different man, but still the same.

My mother was watching the video of the waterfall, and after the...event, she thought we were just down there, at the waterfall, as she held me and I her. Good things from those bad things.

5. I feel so useless. I have nothing to give to anyone. I am sorry for turning out to be such a meaningless person but i tried really hard to survive.

Hopefully you feel better there soon, AprilR.

-3

Slept, so that prediction got redirected. Nightmares, yeah, but the angel manifested and made it a little calmer. Which kinda made me afraid a little when I woke up as I'm hesitant of those sunny days; if all you walk through are dark ones there's not much that can be taken from you. It's hard to turn off that dark day mindset because you kinda need it to get through some things, whether abuse, loud stuff or seeing loved ones in pain. Losing those I love will fall under that one too, and I have those abandonment issues, mostly because people tend to leave, but that will be my fault there in many of them (not going to blame life things for that, just me).

No idea why I don't smoke cigarettes. They're a rich man's vice nowadays though, even though it only looks like the working class use them. Drinking doesn't do too much because my brain is broken. Zyprexa is my vice. (You're welcome, ma. It is a jungle out there, which is why I go into it.)