scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Cigarettes are expensive, and they cause cancer. Why would anyone want to smoke?

True, the price of cigarettes is unfairly expensive.

Consider this in regards to cancer - merely driving a car throws up micro-particles into the air, that cause cancer. Breathing causes cancer because of pollutants in the air. In China, where the smog from pollution is visible in the air in some places, the life expectancy of a Chinese human is very similar to a Western human, and their country is utterly toxic in terms of pollution compared to any country in the western world.

For some people, toxin resistance can actually strengthen the immune system & prevent cancer.

My entire family have smoked inhuman amounts of cigarettes (aside from my Mum) and some of them have lived until ripe old ages.

I don't personally buy that every genetic family tree is at risk for cancer by smoking cigarettes.

I have known people who go running every day, eat vegetables and are the most boring, healthy people - and some of them don't reach 60.

Yes, smoking is unhealthy for you. It might shave a few years off of life.

Would I rather smoke every day and enjoy my life smoking - or not indulge that desire and die of boredom?

I choose life.

The majority smoked in those group therapy deals, including the nurses and therapists (lol). I guess it was doing something for them.

I don't care too much about my health unless it's immediately life threatening, as someone needs me in the short-term, and the other short to long-term stuff are the selfish things I want (what I want is only partially up to me there). That'll be the too personal life stuff that made me the man who doesn't really care. I'm not wealthy enough where I live for smoking, so it's sorta moot. I get my subsidized drugs with my special little card to take the edge off that low and high grit stuff.

Thunder, but that's alright now. It improves as you go on, and the aforementioned angel helps me see better things. 2-3 months ago and I was a mess.

-1

negative life keeps the wingless flying

Thinking of all of those memories helped more than I can say, and doing such very recently (rather than dreaming of things), may have just kept me as whole as I can be after such a situation. I smile back all the same as that angel does.

(Likely won't post much for a day or so because life ain't easy, but it can sometimes be made easier.)

-10

I feel like the scale of -10 to +10 means nothing to me
And that it's perfectly okay to feel suicidal.

Yeah you cant quantize such a things.
Perfectly okay to feel suicidal, long as you don't act it.
Well, actually it's not perfectly okay.
In fact it's very bad...

At my typical 7.

-1, so alright. I'm dealing with things better overall. Good thoughts I guess.

I didn't sleep last night, but I expected that one from the bad day before. PERM sucks. Two nights of sleeplessness brings the micro-sleeps.

I'll probably go for one of the long marches over the weekend through the forests and over the mountains, leaving around midnight and returning at sunrise (no NODs for me, just a torch). I'll try to be as much of a ghost as I can be, which is one thing I'm good at (not just because I'm so white that I look like a ghost); night critters get perturbed quite a bit and I don't want to upset them, and it's good practice for [bow] hunting (not that I've done such for several years).

5. Wish I could drop the pervasive frustration and anxiety. Stress too is has got such a chokehold on me.

Last edited by And So It Goes on 04 Feb 2022, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

0 (i slept well last night and woke up in a halfway decent mood)

At my typical 7.

-2 or something.

Managed to remain calm after some upsetting stuff (I usually go off and get that out). I guess a few days ago kinda numbed me a little since that was so bad, or I'm thinking of better days more. I'll call that an achievement regardless when it comes to me. A couple of seizures, which usually aren't bad if it's just epilepsy. PERM really, really sucks. I feel sad for her more than most things, and not just for the suffering, but how life can be cruel to such nice people. All she has is me, which I think is also sad. Nice people should have more. All you can do is be there as much as you can.

Last night after an hour of sleep, I went full ghost in the forest on the way in (dark), returned as normal (light), as I went into the mountains. It helps. I take a compass when I go out at night even if I know the animal trails quite well. Still looking for things.

At my typical 7.

-1

Alright. The lack of self-care (isn't just autism), self-sacrifice, living for others (who are nice to me), self-harm, self-isolation and ignoring how I truly feel, are more manifestations of that stuff. I hate myself more than anyone else and I'm afraid of other humans. Quite a combination.

Haven't collected any ticks. Everything is around the house, seriously.

It helps with anxiety for me.

Feeling 8 since yesterday