Why does no one want me to have a relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

True, some women prefer older men because they want someone mature. However, do you think a part time worker who doesn't take care of his health and still lives with his mom in his thirties sounds mature? The answer is no. The women who'd like an older partner are usually either A: looking for someone more mature than men her age usually are or B: looking for someone in a steadier financial situation so that starting a life together would be easier. You can't offer option B and to me it doesn't seem like you could offer option A either. Of course, there are some women who aren't exactly looking for an older partner, but simply happen to fall in love with someone older. That is something you have a chance in, but the chances of that happening probably aren't any higher than you finding a partner your own age.

Do you know if there's some kind of dating site for disabled people? Your chances might be higher in that kind of site since there'd probably be more women that can't offer you any more than you can to them.

You've pretty much nailed it. Women who want older men generally either want a man with a more mature temperament, more life experience, and I guess overall who gives off a vibe of competence, or a man who has had a longer period of time to accrue resources and do well enough at his employment that he is making pretty good money. Often the two are one in the same, and Marknis ticks neither box.

This isn't a bad idea. If Marknis is deadset on dating in his current situation, his best strategy would be to specifically seek out women who are going to be rejected by most men because they don't have much to offer either. Women who are morbidly obese, or 10 or so years older, or who have disabilities, or facial deformities, or who are wheelchair-bound and need help with everyday tasks as a result, or who can't have sex, or who have an STD, or who are a 1-3 out of 10 looks wise, or any combination of those is likely the best partner that Marknis could hope to get in his current situation. The saying "beggars can't be choosers" comes to mind.

I am torn between doing what BeaArthur is pressuring me to do and leaving this place completely.

I haven't been here very long, but BeaArthur strikes me as possessing a certain sage wisdom. I don't think she's pressuring you, but giving you legitimately helpful advice.

All choices are yours, but if you don't like the advice given here it would probably be best to go seek it elsewhere. We aren't going to tell you anything other than what we've already said.

Seconded.Ditto.Ditto, ditto.

It is these kinds of statements, however, that have earned me and others the label of "Detractor", so don't push it too hard. You, Bea, myself and several others have trod this very same path for the last three years, and we just keep going around in circles, so "Good Luck", and all that.

So what are you hoping to gain from this thread and threads like them? People have offered you a ton of advice in the last 3 years in relation to improving your appeal to women and it would appear that you've implemented none of it.

Are you looking for people to tell you what you need to hear, or people to tell you what you want to hear? Because they're not the same.

I could tell you to keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine, you'll get a relationship soon, but I'd be doing you a major disservice because the reality is you're going to need to put a fair bit of work into improving your situation before you have any real chance of getting a relationship, let alone a lasting, functional one. If you don't want people to lay down the harsh reality on you that you're not good enough for a relationship as you are now, you'd be better off not making threads like this, or saying "please give me sympathy, I don't want the truth, and I don't want to have to work on myself" somewhere within them so you only get people giving you platitudes that may make you feel a bit better in the short-term but are not conducive to a change in your relationship status in the long-term.

there are some who might find more of what they are looking for, on an incel forum.

Nobody is pressuring you into doing anything. We are all just a bunch of anonymous people on the internet who have no power over you whatsoever.

You are free to continue doing exactly what you have always done although it is unlikely that anything in your life will change. Or you could try doing something different. It's your choice.

My mind just can't stop constantly thinking about my struggles and how they haven't changed since I was in my teens. My older brother and male classmates were always getting girlfriends as well as sex while I was always going home alone to my room. I am 30 now and I am still not getting any dates, I still can't play the guitar like the musicians I looked up to can, I still can't draw like the artists I looked up to can, and my life is still static despite being told God had a "plan for me" (Fortunately, I don't buy into that BS anymore).

Markins, you don't get good at things if you don't practice. No one gets anything handed to them. We all have to put some effort in. And for those of us who struggle with social skills well we have to put more effort in than the average person. It's a pure fluke of the genes lottery. It's what we get and we just have to work with it to the best of our ability.

My friend told me to pray about it. I said, God is no more going to find me a partner than he is to heal the bad scar I have on my arm. That lack of social skills is as much a part of my everyday life as this scar is. I just have to work around it and do my best with what I've got.

Well it's understandable that you would reflect on the past as I think we all do, but the way you describe it, it seems like you're dwelling on the past and what is unachievable right now to the detriment of your progress in the present. Are you still seeing a mental health professional? If so I'd recommend mentioning that you are so hung up on the past and what you can't have at the moment that you are stunted in the present. Make a list of goals that when achieved will make you a more appealing partner for women (such as losing weight and eating healthier, moving out of home, etc) and show that list to your mental health professional and explain to them about the thoughts you're having that are interfering with those goals.

Realistically a girlfriend in most cases, especially when you're 30, is something that comes about only after you've gotten your life together and are living comfortably as an independent adult, so in order to maximise your chances of satisfying that desire, you're going to have to work on a few things, and the road won't get any easier as time passes, you'll just get older, so best to start ASAP. Try to focus your energy on creating a brighter future rather than dwelling on the past or lamenting about the present.

Yes, I still do have a mental health professional. She would indeed tell me I am focusing too much on both the past and the future.

I think some of the most deconstructive things I was told in my developmental years were that I had "plenty of time" to decide what I wanted to do with my life and that God had a "plan" for me. "Plenty of time" is a vague notion and there is no evidence for a supposed divine plan. But when you live in a place that upholds religion over critical thinking, what can you expect?

You can expect to get the hell out of Dodge.

There is no "divine plan." I don't believe most Christian sects believe totally in a "divine plan."

Most of those who believe in an overriding "divine plan" also ask you to give them $45 or something when you go to one of their services. Because that was what was told, by God, to the preacher.

Yep. Many people involved in religion don't really use critical thinking. But many people in religion do use it. Pope John Paul II, as well as being Pope, was also a secular professor with a doctorate. He had a belief that one had to use one's own determination to succeed. He certainly didn't rely on God!

I just wish you (and others) can find a way to get you out of that vicious cycle which you and others placed yourself. It is necessary to get out of that rut.

Focusing on the past has its utility if done productively, for instance if you're looking at the past to discern where you may have made mistakes or decisions that were not optimal, so you can learn from them and change your approach in the future. Dwelling on the past and things that cannot be changed generally won't do you any favours though.

Likewise, looking towards the future can be useful if you're doing so to figure out what you want out of it so you can set goals, make plans and achieve it. Obsessing over what is unattainable in the present isn't helpful.

I agree that what you were told was not helpful, and probably encouraged complacency, but you acknowledge now that those things weren't helpful, and so you can implement new life strategies that will be more conducive towards success

I used to visualize what I thought my future was going to be like but when I had an unrequited love spell in highschool (She was the basis of these visualizations), those thoughts fell and smashed on the ground. My future thoughts tend to be of me still lonely, still untalented, and still depressed because my mind keeps telling me I missed out on learning social skills, developing talents, and my brain is permanently malfunctioning.

If I could forget about time and age, things would be easier for me. I also don't understand how not thinking about a girlfriend brings one into your life and how can you feel like a relationship can still happen when you didn't have one in your developmental years or how can you not feel desperate when you are three decades old and your social skills are so far behind others your age?