Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear Husband,

I hate this stupid holiday. Next year, I'm doing it my way. Christmas lists by Halloween. Shopping done by Thanksgiving. That leaves The Tree, The Lights, The Cooking, and The Visiting to be done after the Sacrosanct by Your Family Tradition Date of December Fourth (and nothing else).

I realize that I'm the cause of all my Christmas stress. Yes, I am the one driving myself to have perfect children and perfect decorations and perfect gifts. Because, if they ooh and aah for 20 minutes on Christmas morning, then I Am Good Enough. For that day, anyway.

See, I remember when I didn't used to get stressed out about this stupid holiday. Back when I refused to do all the stuff you're telling me I shouldn't do, because I don't need to and it's not worth it. You know. Back when everyone hated me, and had a twenty-item list to define why I'm selfish and horrible and not worthy of being your wife/their mother/part of a family/friends/whatever.

If I drive myself completely f*****g insane to satisfy everyone's whims, they will love me. Or at least tolerate me because they can see that I am trying hard to be a good person. YOUR acceptance is something YOU can afford to take for granted. MINE has to be paid for, every day, in advance.

DON'T try to tell me any different. Because you and yours were the ones who finally and irrevocably taught me it was so, back when I had almost grown to believe it wasn't.

It's not a slur against you. It's not because of you. You don't make other people buy their place again every day. You're not that kind of person. You're good, and kind, and generous, and charitable, and your dad was right. I DON'T deserve you, unless I buy my place again, every single day. It's me. It's an autism thing. I don't expect you to understand.

I'm sorry for letting my frustration show. I'm sorry for having a grumpy tone in my voice and tears in my eyes. I'm sorry I didn't have a big smile to paste on when you walked into the bedroom. I'm sorry I spoke to you about how I feel. I'm sorry I made you frustrated (because I'm not supposed to call it angry when you yell at me and tell me how selfish and self-absorbed and stupid and wasteful I am, and how no matter how hard I tried I screwed it all up again).

Please, next year, just let me do it in a way that works for me, instead of expecting me to pull an entire holiday out of my ass in 21 days (complete with gifts for 11 kids and two adults who swear they don't want anything but get offended if there's nothing under the tree for a grand total of about $1000 in shopping, packing for 2 weeks for a family of 6, keeping the house clean enough to receive company, keeping up with the "get-it-done-before-the-break" homework push, holiday activities, friends who are entitled to my help on demand by virtue of higher social standing, and getting the car ready to drive 1100 miles) and keep a perfectly calm and happy demeanor and a bright smile (and keep singing those Christmas carols) while I do it.

I have four Xanax. They only need to last through today and tomorrow (and leave one for the drive home). But next year, can we please, please, PLEASE just admit that I'll be handling the whole damn holiday by myself and let me do it in a way that gives me enough time to decompress a little bit between frantic rounds of holiday behaviors??

I have autism, not ADHD. I can't wire my brain up to enjoy the stimulation of the crowds, and the craziness, and the mad rush. I can't fix the fact that socializing constantly for 14 days straight fries my brain. Please, please just let me do what I can to minimize the pain.

Sincerely,

Your Exhausted, ret*d, Stupid, Selfish, Sick, Worthless Wife

Dear you

I have every right to exist in this world as I am, but I wont fight you for that right because in your game there aren't any rules.

Instead I will resist, like I am comfortable doing, with every fiber of my being, I will do so with peace in my heart too, you might be able to take the few people who love me away, but you will not obliterate who I am.

You can destroy what I have in my physical environment, but you cannot have access to the core of who I am, my soul.

He sees how you are to your 'nearest and dearest', he now sees that he will be next, just like the last one did. Your sadness is coming, and it will be all of your own doing, again.

I will keep compassion in my heart, but I am not your doormat.

From me.

Dear You.

I still have no clue what to say to you. Let's start with the biggies: I love you, and I hate you.

I am so angry. And it's weird because I don't really know how to feel anger, but I think that's what it is. You were so blind. And I know you'd deny that, but you're just being f**king stubborn. I know how you felt, how you probably still feel, only you're even worse with emotions than I am and I don't think that you understand what you feel for me. But I see it, everyone else sees it. So yes, I am still angry at you. You wasted something that could have been wonderful, and it is hard to let go of the potential. But you know what, if you came to me now and changed your mind, I think maybe you've finally hurt me enough and rejected me enough for me to turn you away. It would devastate me, but I think maybe I'd do it. Because D has more balls than you'll ever have. And yeah, it was sh*tty timing, blah blah blah. But you know what the end of it is? You were scared. It didn't matter about the f**king timing, you were just absolutely terrified. But D is so committed, and you are still so blind.

I thought you were so wonderful. We "got" each other like nobody has done for me, ever. You accepted every facet of me, and I accepted every facet of you. It was a beautiful relationship. So close. So understanding. So similar in so many ways, although you didn't want to see it at first. It made it easier, to pretend that I was so irrational, so emotional, so illogical. And maybe now you're realising that actually we're pretty similar.

Well, I hope you're happy. And I don't know if I mean that or if I'm being sarcastic. I hope you never regret your decision. Because if you do it will tear me apart.

One day we'll speak again, I'm sure.

Until then, if I'm honest, I hope your heart hurts a fraction of how much mine hurts, so you might understand the pain you've put me through.

From,
Me.

Dear You,

Sometimes I have to wonder what on Earth it is I'm doing wrong.

From, Mostly confused

Dear ____,

I do believe it would greatly distress you to be confronted with the fact that you're often full of s**t. I really do. I know it's something you (think you) strive against. Unfortunately, this does does not change the fact that you sometimes actually are full of s**t.

Nor do I appreciate being held to your values when you do not hold to them yourself.

Take care.

Me. x

Dear me,

Please just give up, you've done enough damage already.

From me.

Dear You,

I hate that we click on every level
I hate that I was such a p**** when I was younger
I hate that I cant read your mind
I hate that we live so far from each other
I hate that I am afraid to bring you closer
I hate that I am afraid to lose you
I hate that I lie to you
I hate that its my own confusion that keeps us stagnant
I hate that I feel this way about you

I want to be closer to you but I cant see through the fog that exists in my head
In time the choice will be for me and in time we both may not like where that path leads

From Me

To my ex-boyfriend,

How is your life at the moment? Better? Worse? Are you even still alive? Or did you give in to your depression after the last time you ever saw me?

You know, part of me actually hopes you went through with it, even though you telling me about your failed attempt was what lead to me getting with you in the first place. That, and the fact that I wanted a proper friend. I should have stuck to my decision of having turned you down, but I felt bad about it, and you took advantage of that. You took advantage of the fact that I'm just too nice. And now I hope that you are dead because every time I go out, I'm worried you will show up and recognise me. I don't know if not seeing you at all is worse or not, because I could forget about it, only for you to suddenly be there next time I go out. And it's better than the terrible life you were living anyway.

I should have left you ages ago, all those times when I said I would. But I thought that I could change you if I just tried hard enough. I thought I was prepared for someone as complicated as you, and that you were prepared for someone as complicated as me. But I was wrong. And I didn't want to be the stereotypical girl who always breaks up with her boyfriends because she thinks he's not good enough for her, even though you weren't good for me at all. In fact, I feel bad about the fact that my family had to force me to do it, I feel bad that I couldn't do it myself. But I was too afraid of what would happen.

I'm fine now, though. Mostly. I still have bad memories, and I don't want another boyfriend ever again. I don't want to share my life with anyone but my family, and I don't want someone who only wants my body. Urgh, the things I said I wouldn't do for you, that I ended up doing anyway, and even then, it didn't always please you. You made me curious about it to start with, which was fine, but then you wanted it even when I was ill or tired. And then you made me do the one thing I would never do. I'll never be clean again.

I don't love you anymore, if I ever did. I hate you and I wish I never met you. I dread to think what would have happened if my parents hadn't put a stop to it. And yet, if it wasn't for all of this, I wouldn't be who I am now, a better person than I was before. But I would have learned it anyway, sooner or later.

From your EX-girlfriend, who you will never get to be with again, EVER.

Dear Acne,

I would really appreciate it if you and your pals stopped setting up camp on my face. Why don't you go for a hike for a bit?

Sincerely,
Me

"Can I move your things?"


NO, I HAVE TOLD YOU A BILLION TIMES. F*CK OFF.


"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

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"Can I move your things?"

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"Can I move your things?"


STOP IT.


"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

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"Can I move your things?"


*SCREAMS*


"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

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"Can I move your things?"


"It isn't me, it's YOU misinterpreting me"


I SAID STOP IT.


"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

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*SCREAMS*


"Can I move your things?"


*SCREAMS*


"Don't be silly" ("It is all YOUR fault and we're ignoring your perfectly reasonable request to have your things left alone. We don't give a sh!t about you or your belongings no matter how suicidal it makes you every single time. We're going to nag at you until we change you, because we hate who you are. We want you to know that you and your belongings are entirely nothing in value, so stop complaining and let us manipulate the flying crap out of you. Because as we said, we don't respect you and we don't like you at all. We like bullying you, it gives us a kick.")

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

"Can I move your things?"

...

Dear World,

Do yourself a favor and LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!! I am not in a good mood today.

-Me

Absence did nothing for muh feelz.

Sigh

Dear Me,

Um, listen up well. People will tell you what kind of job to have, what kind of house to buy, what kind of shoes and phone to buy, what you should study in school, where you should park your car, what kind of girl you should date, how you should speak, dress, walk, dance, sing, flirt, kiss, what kind of music and movies you should entertain yourself with, what kind of food you should eat and how you should eat it.

Just tell them to f*ck off. They're not walking even an inch in your shoes so they can't tell you sh*t. Thank you.

From Me.

Dear Dad,

I f***ing hated you ever since you started hitting my mom and making her cry. The only things you care about is intimidating your family and drinking beer. I even remember you striking me and never taking me to a toy store because I wet my pants at a CVS when I couldn't hold it much longer. I'm glad Mom left you, but now some of your anger has rubbed off on me, and if my marriage EVER falls apart, you will be 100% at fault, because you influenced my behavior, you f***ing a**hole! I'm surprised all this drinking hasn't killed you.

Thank you again for destroying my childhood, and may you rot in hell! F*** you!

-Me

Dear NHS website,

You have triggered yet another meltdown because every time I try to find out about skin disorders, you keep putting DISGUSTING images of skin disorders on your website. There is NO NEED to do this.

Are you a health site, or an entertainment site? You could at least WARN people before they view.

You are all disgusting, SICK PEOPLE.

Dear ____

Get.

The.

f**k.

Out.

Bye.

Harry/Catlover