Rants

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I guess I stumbled onto it.

Why do I have to keep living like this? I hate my life and everything about it. Everyone else has a ton of friends, and I'm always the outcast. "Join clubs," they say. Oh, I've done that. I'm the outcast in those too. The only friends I have are from high school, and they live four hours away. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to get a friend. Just. One. Friend. My therapist said I can pass as a neurotypical when I meet people, but there's obviously something about me that sets off their radars without me saying a word. If I use logic for anything, I receive puzzled looks and, in some cases, ridicule. I have to do things the nonsensical "NT" way in order not to be labeled a weirdo. I don't understand this world and what is required to be friends with someone.

And don't get me started on relationships. I've never been on a date, while everybody younger than I has probably been on hundreds of them. I want to go on a date, I want to experience love, but I've never been given the chance. My OCD makes me unable to let this go, and I obsess over it almost every waking minute. Why was I given this disorder? What did I do to deserve it? I'm tired of hearing my peers constantly talking about their girlfriends or boyfriends, and I'm tired of crying almost every night out of sheer despair. I. AM. SICK. OF. LIVING. LIKE. THIS.

SEMI-RANTING:

I'm worried about the things I advice people online sometimes.

Not because I think I'm wrong. It's because of difference in the environment.
Mainly because I've been surrounded by the right people while growing up and the others aren't the same case.
Mainly because I grew up in an inclusive (yet ignorant) culture, and not all cultures are that inclusive towards different people.
And because I happened to be lucky enough to cope at the right (accidental) way and had a realization earlier.
Was it because of my functioning level?
Or was it how I see the world in a 'lighter' light that made me overcome anxiety and depression without much of an external aid? Odd, I don't remember becoming an optimist...
Or was it luck? Just in a spur of a moment that it 'just happened'? Because I don't recall talking problems with anyone. Meaning no therapists, no 'friends', no support groups, no meds too. They just let me be where I wanted to and no one bothered me about it.
Or perhaps my caretaker's leniency never intervened and let my aspie nature take it's course instead of suppressing it? And I thought that was counter productive or even outright maladaptive yet the outcome speaks for itself.
Or maybe it's my anger? The kind of hatred and the (sick of being the victim) anti-victim mentality whereas the reason is "I can" do and such? While it's true I'm tempted to commit derision, my morality won't let me.

I wonder... I just wonder why. Even I'm not supposed to question it...

/Semi-Rant

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they say coconut oil is healthier

But seriously...
Why most aspies are miserable and negative again? Was it because of the "reality" they faced that they end up being stressed at? Was it because of their current culture being less accepting or inclusive? Was it a choice or the will that made them so? Was it their desires that seem "impossible" but possible for NTs and that's how they see it?
I'm not advocating cures or solutions. You may blame me for not handling enough negativity if you like to.

I simply question everyone's negativity, and I question mine.

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For me, it's because I see the NTs with all these friends and significant others, but I don't know how to get those, and if you don't have them, you're not "normal." Just try to find a book or TV show where a character doesn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. The NTs seem so happy with their lives, and I'm bitter toward them. I'm angry that I wasn't given the ability to do the things they do; I'm angry that I always have to try to do things the "NT way" in order to fit in, but even when I try to, I still can't get any friends. I'm completely lost about what to do to be a happy person. Asperger's is a giant cesspool of despair, depression, and degradation.

I am very talented at screwing things up. I've been doing this my whole life and I can't help it. I myself have been screwed up since birth. I am a ball of scar tissue that consumes huge amounts of resources and can't provide anything in return, because society rejects me for being wired differently. I'll never have the opportunity to use my real talent(languages), because that requires a crap load of social skills which I don't have. I am angry for having a sex drive which I can only satisfy through masturbation. I wish I was asexual and aromantic, because I've lost all hope of ever getting a girlfriend. I hate it when I go to university, it makes me feel painfully lonely. I have no motivation to do anything and I wish I could just lay in bed and do nothing my whole life, but no, you have to work your ass off for minimum wage.

I wish my country had a service like the Swiss Dignitas, only cheap enough for the average Romanian to afford. That way I could easily leave the world for good. The only reason why I'm still alive is the lack of a sure suicide method. If I had a gun, I would blow my brains out without hesitation. Don't get me started on hotlines, they are as useless as therapists.

IT'S BEEN TWO F***ING DAYS! WHY HASN'T THE ZOLOFT F***ING KICKED IN YET!?!?!?

Christ I hate the military, every last one of those smug, self-rightous, entitled pricks should apologize to god for their sorry ass existence and die!

I've had it with everyone's bullsh!t. It's bad enough having my landlord raise hell with me again for the house being in a mess, but I get no help while trying to keep it clean. It's bad enough I have a housemate that is doing everything in his power to have me evicted, no matter how much I try to help him out. I had to write a bad check yesterday so I could get gas, get bread, get my mess (and I didn't get all of them, since I didn't have enough money.). I don't know how I'm getting the money to cover the check. If I ask for money, I get told to go f!ck myself and I deserve to land in jail for passing bad checks (and that's just my brothers). I'm having more than enough trouble holding it together today, since it has been 4 years today that mom died (and I'm still accused of being the root cause of her death by my brothers). I can't ask my friends, because most of them are in jail for dui. It's bad enough I'm having panic attacks again, because of all the credit card and medical bills I ran up, all the car problems I'm having, and I have to put up with the pro-gun extremists here on WP. Maybe I should take my brothers and relatives advice and kill myself, since they won't be happy until I do so.