Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Is ignorance really bliss? I don't feel very blissful.

....What is bliss, anyway?

Even when you hurt really bad, you still have to get up in the morning.

Even when you know you're gonna have a sh***y day, and you know that things are going to suck, and you know that you're going to feel pain, you have to keep trying.

It seems blind and pointless in the moment, and at times you might start to question that logic-- what's the point in trying if everything sucks and there's no-- but the bottom line, is you have to. It seems so, so stupid and pointless if you think about it, but I know it works, because we tried it and it worked before.
We dragged through the yucky and got what we needed. And that's why we're still here now.

Even if no one is there to encourage you or tell you that, just keep telling yourself "I can do this. I can do this."
I don't care if anyone else believes in you, I don't care if your family doesn't believe in you, your peers don't believe in you, your parents don't believe in you.... I believe in you, and the best person who can believe in you is yourself, because
you know yourself best.
I also love you, and loving yourself is a good thing to do, even if you don't feel love on the outside.

And right now? I think we can do this. Chances are, you aren't going to die tomorrow.
As long as you don't die, you keep on living.
As long as you live, you keep on trying.
And as long as you try, even if everything hurts right now, there's always the possibility that things will get better.

Dear anonymous

I hope you feel really good about stealing $40 from me. The money doesn't bother me but the fact you think I am too stupid to notice does. Not only do I know you did it, but I know why you did it, so you can go gamble. Apparently its not enough to blow through your money, you have to blow through mine too.

Dear You

So you think that your a high functioning Austic woman? Is that why you felt not quite fitting in all your life. Another thing to deal with you think a mental issue not physical like you other two long term illness. Yes its your mind and you are scared of mental issue. However what have you learnt these last 3 years with your daughter mental health problems. They are just the same as physical things like a broken leg or in your case asthma no different.
It doesn't mean your broken God made a mistake he didn't do a good job creating you. Stop that's not true and you know it. You are fearly and wonderfully made Every day of your life was written before any one came to be.

You know that's true your strong faith in God will get you through. God hasn't been caught off guard he knew you find out one day. He planned it this way. Now your older and wiser and your faith is growing stronger each day. Life isn't a bed of roses those roses have thorns. The thorns make us stay sharp (excuse the joke) and bring you closer to God.
Be kind to yourself I know you done your usual read every book under the sun on this subject. Like you do with all the thing you get your interest. For you learning all about something is important to you. It stops you worry.

Time to stand up and give yourself the biggest hug.

Me

Dear Mommala,
I love you too. Even if you suck.

I'll say "I'm sorry" I wasn't peppy enough for you today but if you knew (or cared to know) how I feel you'd appreciate what an effort it was to be in family mode in the first place. So yeah, I am a little disconnected but I wasn't actively negative, and you got your way so what's the problem? It is very hard to make a person who hasn't been depressed understand depression. I have nothing inside me today. Absolutely empty. Here, have some lit to describe my apathy - I cannot give any more.

Things without all remedy Should be without regard: what's done, is done

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.

I'm not afraid of pain or of change.
Those things are inevitable.

No matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts
, no matter how many times I want to give up everything I can't. I've come this far; now there's no going back.

Think about it! You're alive. That's a good thing.

You have food, and water, and shelter, and... yo, I think that's about it, but still! You made it a long way, you made it through some tough shit-- fam, you're the bomb!!

...I should be proud of myself. I found that humans are not as bad as I thought. I stopped living in fear, and letting fear control my life. I learned how to speak, how to trust again, and how to love and reach out to people. I've found people that I love.

But why am I still afraid of you? Why is it, that after everything, a single person is the thing that scares me the most?

Whenever I crawl back up, I just slide down again. It's like...what is it like? I guess it's like trying to climb up a waterfall. I so wish more people would understand me. I have come to think of this place as a cage, even though I know that it's only my attitude that makes it seem that way. Without me in it, it's just another university. I'm having such trouble sleeping, mainly because I don't want the morning to come, making me go to class.

Dear Parent,
I don't like you. I used to say "I love you," but... I don't.

I care for you just like I do any other human being, I appreciate what you do for me, I want what is good for you... but I don't feel any love towards you. When I think of you, I think of fear, and anger, and everything that is the opposite of closeness and affection.

I do not feel love. I don't know if I ever will. I'm sorry.

I don't enjoy being Lillikoi.

I believe, by nature, being Lillikoi is kind of a sucky thing to be.

To a Lillikoi some where

Being a DJ rocks



Is the song about the negativity of addiction and isolation or about an awesome hotel?

Can both be right?

What if the glass is both half full and half empty

Yup, I got this... I don't know how I'm gonna do it though.

I'll confront you later. I don't know if I have the courage to do it... but, I have to.

I guess I'm starting to understand you more as a person. I think I can kind of identify with you. We have more in common than you might think.. which is kind of funny seeing as how, y'know, we're related.

But, yeh, I think you are a person that can be reasoned with. I know you are reasonable (at least sometimes.)

But I don't want you to brush me off this time.

I still remember when we first met. We danced for most of the night. Then you left.

Two months later you came into my work, full of energy. You asked if I wanted a drink after work, I accepted.

I was in a bad place at the time, pretending everything was fine, working 12 hours a day and drinking at night. You seen straight threw my mask, you made that clear. We was two of the same. That night we agreed we could not get attached emotionally. This was just a fling, two free souls in the night.

You was everything I needed, you was like MDMA to me, 6 of the most fun months of my life. We did everything together.

But just like a drug everything was starting to spiral downwards out of control and I was completely unaware. until one night you got drunk and told me you was in love with me, but you was not able to handle this. I held back my feelings for you because I know you used people, I tried using you as a distraction. And then you was sat there saying you loved me, I wanted to believe it but I could never fully trust you, I really was in love with you. But it was like I woken up.

So at a work doe, a week later I told you we had to stop seeing each other. I have never seen you cry before, you always came across as a strong independent woman and your crying in front of everyone saying I cant go. I still thought it was a act. 2 weeks of arguing and our friendship went up in a blaze.

This was 12 years ago, we meet up this year at a BBQ and talked for 4 hours, it was good to see you again, both of us in better places. You married now and have two lovely kids. I would not say this to your face. But am happy you found happiness.

Your the only person I ever loved.

I will never forgive you. I don't care how you've changed, or how nice of a person you ever were, I will never forgive you.

I will always, always hate that part of you, and it will always, always make me cry. You've scarred me, and I will always, always f*****g hate you. I hate you more than any other person in the world. You've caused me more pain than any other thing in my life.

You were horrid. You made my life-- for lack of a better word-- HELL. You caused me pain beyond existing description.
You manipulated, you lied to me. You were violent, you were verbally abusive, you could not control your anger. You took your anger out on other people. You tried to make everyone cater to you, because everything revolves around YOU. Your pain, your struggles.

You said things that no child-- or person for that matter-- should ever have said to them.
You threatened me, you threw things at me, you tried to put f*****g duct tape on my mouth.

You acted like a f*****g psycho, and I hid from you.

You made me scared, you made me depressed, you made me stop talking. You are the reason I'm too afraid to speak to people. You are the reason I don't leave my room. You terrified me beyond belief. You made me want to kill myself.

Nothing I said ever mattered. Nothing I did could ever help. I tried to f*****g help you, and you pushed me away by yelling. You shut out everyone with barbed words.

Urgh. There's so much more, I could make a five-page list of all the f*****g things you've done.
To make the understatement of the century... you SUCK.

And the worst part of it is? You were nice. I like you.

To everyone else you appeared to be a nice, perfect mom. No one ever knew. No one ever helped me.
And now it's too late. The damage has already.

So, uhh, yeah, no. I'm not gonna say sorry.
Maybe I pulled a couple dick moves, maybe I wasn't the best child I could have possibly ever been... but, uh, no. That's not something I'm ever gonna forget.

Your actions are forever etched in my mind. They will always haunt me.

Dear ---

I am sorry, I didn't know, I know now, I'll never directly address you again.

Peace

Wow okay then,

I guess you hate me if you are going to say it to my face, well that is okay cause I hate me too so deal with it for a week and never see me again. I didn't see your feelings until yesterday so yeah... I wasn't trying to hurt you but it can serve as another painting on the wall of my failures.