Why does no one want me to have a relationship?
Marknis wrote:
I used to visualize what I thought my future was going to be like but when I had an unrequited love spell in highschool (She was the basis of these visualizations), those thoughts fell and smashed on the ground. My future thoughts tend to be of me still lonely, still untalented, and still depressed because my mind keeps telling me I missed out on learning social skills, developing talents, and my brain is permanently malfunctioning.
If I could forget about time and age, things would be easier for me. I also don't understand how not thinking about a girlfriend brings one into your life and how can you feel like a relationship can still happen when you didn't have one in your developmental years or how can you not feel desperate when you are three decades old and your social skills are so far behind others your age?
If I could forget about time and age, things would be easier for me. I also don't understand how not thinking about a girlfriend brings one into your life and how can you feel like a relationship can still happen when you didn't have one in your developmental years or how can you not feel desperate when you are three decades old and your social skills are so far behind others your age?
If one failed daydream got you crashing down then that was clearly an unhealthy obsession. Your lesson: don't get too obsessed, especially not with one person in particular and especially if there isn't anything very clear between you two. Daydreaming is fine, but you can't let it become an obsession. If you can't make a difference between the two, it's best to try not to daydream.
Well you will still be untalented in the future if you don't start working on something now. That's what seems to be the root of your problem; you want a lot of things and are impatient, but you aren't willing to put in effort, especially long term. If you want results you have to work for it. Also, even if you got a girlfriend during, say, the next month, what makes you think it'd last? While there are some couples who just "click" together, most need to work for their relationships to keep going and actually work out. If you aren't cabable of putting in effort to make your own life work, what makes you think you could make a relationship work?
Not thinking about a girlfriend doesn't bring you one, but it can raise your chances since average people (NTs) can (apparently) often sense it when someone's desperate and to most people that isn't attractive. So once you're not desperate, you automatically become a little more attractive in the eyes of many people.
What counts as developemental years? Teen age? 'Cause I didn't have a relationship (or my first kiss or any dates or anything like that) back then either, haven't had them yet in fact (well, I might have had a date, not sure what counts as one) and yet I still believe I can find a relationship and eventually start a family even. I mean I consider myself to be a realist that is more pessimistic than optimistic, but I still think I can pull it off... if for nothing else then simply because I'm a hard worker. I believe my hard work will pay off eventually, I have to believe 'cause otherwise there'd be no point in working hard anymore. Maybe things will work out with the guy I more or less have my eyes on now, maybe not, but I can have hope because I'm trying my best and working hard for this.
Well, I'm a little younger than you but my social skills are also behind for my age (apparently), but complaining won't make things any better for me so I don't want to waste my time on that. I'd rather just practice and get better to get closer to the level that comes naturally to most people.
Marknis wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Marknis wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Marknis wrote:
My mind just can't stop constantly thinking about my struggles and how they haven't changed since I was in my teens. My older brother and male classmates were always getting girlfriends as well as sex while I was always going home alone to my room. I am 30 now and I am still not getting any dates, I still can't play the guitar like the musicians I looked up to can, I still can't draw like the artists I looked up to can, and my life is still static despite being told God had a "plan for me" (Fortunately, I don't buy into that BS anymore).
Well it's understandable that you would reflect on the past as I think we all do, but the way you describe it, it seems like you're dwelling on the past and what is unachievable right now to the detriment of your progress in the present. Are you still seeing a mental health professional? If so I'd recommend mentioning that you are so hung up on the past and what you can't have at the moment that you are stunted in the present. Make a list of goals that when achieved will make you a more appealing partner for women (such as losing weight and eating healthier, moving out of home, etc) and show that list to your mental health professional and explain to them about the thoughts you're having that are interfering with those goals.
Realistically a girlfriend in most cases, especially when you're 30, is something that comes about only after you've gotten your life together and are living comfortably as an independent adult, so in order to maximise your chances of satisfying that desire, you're going to have to work on a few things, and the road won't get any easier as time passes, you'll just get older, so best to start ASAP. Try to focus your energy on creating a brighter future rather than dwelling on the past or lamenting about the present.
Yes, I still do have a mental health professional. She would indeed tell me I am focusing too much on both the past and the future.
I think some of the most deconstructive things I was told in my developmental years were that I had "plenty of time" to decide what I wanted to do with my life and that God had a "plan" for me. "Plenty of time" is a vague notion and there is no evidence for a supposed divine plan. But when you live in a place that upholds religion over critical thinking, what can you expect?
Focusing on the past has its utility if done productively, for instance if you're looking at the past to discern where you may have made mistakes or decisions that were not optimal, so you can learn from them and change your approach in the future. Dwelling on the past and things that cannot be changed generally won't do you any favours though.
Likewise, looking towards the future can be useful if you're doing so to figure out what you want out of it so you can set goals, make plans and achieve it. Obsessing over what is unattainable in the present isn't helpful.
I agree that what you were told was not helpful, and probably encouraged complacency, but you acknowledge now that those things weren't helpful, and so you can implement new life strategies that will be more conducive towards success
I used to visualize what I thought my future was going to be like but when I had an unrequited love spell in highschool (She was the basis of these visualizations), those thoughts fell and smashed on the ground. My future thoughts tend to be of me still lonely, still untalented, and still depressed because my mind keeps telling me I missed out on learning social skills, developing talents, and my brain is permanently malfunctioning.
If I could forget about time and age, things would be easier for me. I also don't understand how not thinking about a girlfriend brings one into your life and how can you feel like a relationship can still happen when you didn't have one in your developmental years or how can you not feel desperate when you are three decades old and your social skills are so far behind others your age?
She ain't the only one. And a pretty face ain't gonna help you when you're down. Take it from a guy who was relationshipless till 28.
I am going to say I do hope you find a girlfriend. Eventually. And I hope you take kindness and caring over looks. I hope you learn what I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight.
That is the real stuff.
_________________
Diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD March 2012
AQ: 32
EQ: 30
Rdos: Your Aspie score: 126 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!The "downfall" is she is a year older than me. But man with my life falling apart right now around me I'm glad at least one thing has gone very right.
_________________
Diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD March 2012
AQ: 32
EQ: 30
Rdos: Your Aspie score: 126 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Harpuia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!kraftiekortie wrote:
Why should a 1-year difference in age be an impediment?
Being an aspie, being 1 year younger than her is equivalent to being 15 years younger than her socially and mentally.
Plus I've read around some threads here about how horrible it is to date a woman over 30. Well here to tell you at 33 my current girl is the best relationship I've had and the oldest I've dated by a good 5 years.
_________________
Diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD March 2012
AQ: 32
EQ: 30
Rdos: Your Aspie score: 126 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
auntblabby
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Harpuia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!The "downfall" is she is a year older than me. But man with my life falling apart right now around me I'm glad at least one thing has gone very right.
a mere year older, is IMHO NOTHING AT ALL, the most insubstantial of things to worry about.
auntblabby wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!The "downfall" is she is a year older than me. But man with my life falling apart right now around me I'm glad at least one thing has gone very right.
a mere year older, is IMHO NOTHING AT ALL, the most insubstantial of things to worry about.
I wholeheartedly agree! I'm only meeting men 10 - 15 years younger than me these days. I'd love a mere 1 year age difference.
hurtloam wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!The "downfall" is she is a year older than me. But man with my life falling apart right now around me I'm glad at least one thing has gone very right.
a mere year older, is IMHO NOTHING AT ALL, the most insubstantial of things to worry about.
I wholeheartedly agree! I'm only meeting men 10 - 15 years younger than me these days. I'd love a mere 1 year age difference.
I think that Harpuia's just concerned about the gap in maturity between them, not the age gap itself... I mean someone who is, say, ten years younger than her or his partner could still be more mature than the said partner. I can fully see how this could become a problem if one or the other takes a note of this fact and doesn't like it.
Fireblossom wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
... I have just learned while laying in the ER during a major Crohn's flare that a pretty face does nothing to help you but a kind heart who shows up at your hospital room 50 miles away from her house with soft treats to help your stomach feel better, and staying with you overnight. That is the real stuff.
She seems like a "keeper". Don't let her get away!The "downfall" is she is a year older than me. But man with my life falling apart right now around me I'm glad at least one thing has gone very right.
a mere year older, is IMHO NOTHING AT ALL, the most insubstantial of things to worry about.
I wholeheartedly agree! I'm only meeting men 10 - 15 years younger than me these days. I'd love a mere 1 year age difference.
I think that Harpuia's just concerned about the gap in maturity between them, not the age gap itself... I mean someone who is, say, ten years younger than her or his partner could still be more mature than the said partner. I can fully see how this could become a problem if one or the other takes a note of this fact and doesn't like it.
I wrote it in quotes in reference to previous posts about why we shouldnt date women in their 30s.
_________________
Diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD March 2012
AQ: 32
EQ: 30
Rdos: Your Aspie score: 126 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
kraftiekortie wrote:
You should date whoever you want to date—regardless of age.
Eer no. There's no such a thing as too old I suppose, but there is such a thing as being too young. A thirty year old just can't date a thirteen year old. Just no.
Also, it doesn't matter how much you want to date someone if that someone doesn't want to date you.
I'm sure you know this Kraftie, just saying it for the ones that might not get it, in case there are some on this site. With everything that's going on in the world, I wouldn't be surprised if there were.
Fnord wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
You should date whoever you want to date -- regardless of age.
WRONG!There are some limiting conditions:
1) They are of legal age
2) They are not currently married
3) They want to date you
Number 2 doesnt seem to stop a lot of people where my gf lives lol.
_________________
Diagnosed with Asperger's/ASD March 2012
AQ: 32
EQ: 30
Rdos: Your Aspie score: 126 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 90 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
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