Rants

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I'm totally out of place on this website. Never have I felt so unwelcome and unwanted. It would seem even among other autistics I'm completely deranged and loony. I suppose I should see myself out sooner or later.

I don't think you're deranged and loony.

F@(k you for making me care. F@(k you for making me hurt. F@(k you for making me cry. I usually accept the bumps in life, but you have been a waste. A condescending, derogatory waste of murkiness. F@(k your games that you use to shield from consequence. You have poisoned every refuge with disingenuousness.

Disgusted

I can't sleep again cause the mistakes of the past are relentless, I am a failure socially and can't even get along with my own kind. I want to die again and am even willing to feel the pain to exit but I don't see a point, it'll just hurt more people. Commit suicide, hurt people; stay alive, hurt people. It never ends and my heart is conflicted, a part of me is cold to anything and another part of me regrets everything. I don't see a purpose of my life other than to hurt people and damn it its not what I wanted. It wasn't my intention to hate any man or have any man hate me. How did I miss the mark so completely? How did my true intentions not show through to the world around me?

Hi! I wasn't sure whether I could make an entirely new forum post about this, so when I came across the Rants forum post, I realised it'd be safer to just leave a comment here. Hope it's ok to.

Before I go on my spiel, I want to be up front and honest. I'm 22/female, and a few months ago a psychologist (presumably; I actually can't remember if he was a psychologist or psychiatrist) who specialised in Autism started me on the road to getting a diagnosis. I wanted to bring this up because I didn't want to feel like a deceiver; as if I were going on and on about having Autism without having gotten a proper, official diagnosis. It still feels... kinda wrong of me to make a forum post comment here, but I don't know where else to turn about all the mixed feelings I've been habouring.

... I'm scared of getting an official diagnosis. The way the psychologists and psychiatrists spoke, they seemed certain that I have it. I've been referred to the Disability Services Commission for review, but I keep putting the whole situation off because I'm scared they're right. I'm scared of what being autistic means, at least, of what it means to me. Having doctors bring it up and try to help me with it has left me with a small sense of relief, that there might have at least been a reason for why I was always so weird and couldn't seem to grow out of it when teenagehood was left behind. But I'm still left with this pervasive thought: "you're defective". It keeps me from wanting to know for sure.

I want to clarify: I don't at all think autistic people are defective, or wrong or anything of the like. I think it's extremely likely these fears about being autistic stem from my Depression, from my obsession with being correct all the time. Every time I screw up, it hurts so. damn. much. to be corrected. I feel like an absolute failure. If I were to be told any sense of normality was completely out of my grasp, that I was born different from everyone I know and had no hope of being the same, I don't know how I'd react. I'm probably dramatising this so much, ehehe. If you've read this far, I hope you're not rolling your eyes and closing the page.

And thus we get to the meat of my forum post comment (FINALLY). How did those of you who're on the autistic spectrum come to grips with this? How old were you? Was it easier, knowing from a younger age? For those who learnt later in life: was it harder? I've been so torn up about this lately. I sit and sit, doing nothing but ruminating on the subject and wondering what to do. People are always telling me "Be yourself!", when I know what they really mean is "Be yourself, but in a way that makes me happy!"
"You shouldn't care what other people think, but please remember to care what I think!"
It feels so, so much like the rules get changed constantly, like there's a hidden subtext to what they say and I'm expected to pick it up. I'm not even sure I want to be alive if it means I'll never 'get it'. I'm just... so sick of being incorrect. I just want to get along with people the way others get along with people. Is it wrong of me to want to fit in better?

I apologise deeply for such a verbose and meandering forum post comment. Furthermore, I hope to goodness I didn't seem rude or intolerant or offensive. Thank you for reading this far, and I look forward to hearing back from people.

Welcome to WP, WeakEnd! I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 7. When I first heard about the diagnosis, I wasn't happy because I wanted to be normal. I didn't consider myself autistic for a long time. But now I've come to terms with the diagnosis and even like having Asperger's. It was probably good that I got diagnosed early, because I got social skills help and understanding for my behaviours.

Hi auntblabby, TheAP. Thank you so much for the warm welcomes, I was beginning to sit here stressing about what sort of replies I'd meet. That's not so much about the people who frequent here; more just the fact it's hard to know if what I say comes off right or not, hehe.

@auntblabby, you mentioned you felt like an outcast and that you weren't put together right. How did you cope with feeling that way? It makes me happy to hear you got some sort of closure(?) eventually though; regarding this, did it change anything for you? You said it gave you a fuller explanation, but do you think knowing was worth it?

@TheAP, I have to admit I'm a little envious of you, and through extension, people with similar backgrounds ehehe. I spend a lot of time wondering whether I'd have felt any different if the Autism had been caught earlier, like yours was. It kind of makes me wonder... would I have developed Depression? Would I have grown up feeling inferior to everyone? Could I have integrated better? I do better socially, now that I'm older, but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

I hear it's not too uncommon for people with Autism to develop Depression and/or Anxiety. Did either of you experience such mental health issues, either growing up or into adulthood?