Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear 'Voices in my Head',

I'd kindly like you to stop sending my conscience all these fantastical quips on how now smart I am.

Furthermore, stop abusing the fact that I am a sad excuse of a person and pretty much will believe everything bad that comes at me. Plus, I already know that I am all these things, so please. Stop.

Best regards, Mcphologer.

P.S. It will never stop, will it?

I don't understand you.

I don't know if I'll ever understand you.

I'm still trying to make sense of you.

It doesn't bug me anymore.

But I still don't understand why.

If you have a problem, tell somebody about it.

Don't keep it inside yourself, and take it out on someone else.

The only one you're hurting is yourself, and the other person.



The only one who knows is me.

No one else knows.

To everyone else, nothing ever happened.

I don't really remember.

Maybe it's better that I don't remember.

If you asked me to name a specific incidence, I couldn't give you one.



But what I can say is that when you have emotions, they don't turn off.

-And it gets scary feeling scared all the time and feeling like you have to hide from someone all the time.

-I could not recognize you as the same person.

-People, all your friends think they know you, think you're nice. But they don't.
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-People can have multiple faces.

-You switch between faces, but I know you have humanity.

-Do monsters cry when they hurt people?

It confuses me to see you now, because the person I see doesn't correlate with the person I remember.

It's like you are two separate individuals.

I want to believe that the memories are just nightmare, but it is real.

I am the only one that knows.

I don't really remember.

I don't really understand.

Dear you and you and you and you

Some of you were members before I joined, and because of you and your contributions to WP, I joined. You have all moved on now. Some of you joined after me and for various reasons, no long participate on WP. You are that small group of members who, in very different ways, inspired me, illuminated me, taught me, comforted me, supported me, and helped me heal from the residual stress and pain left over from the old, undiagnosed, unsuspected life I lived for many decades on the spectrum but unaware of it. You welcomed me into this tribe, you supported me in respectful ways while I found my feet here in those early days. I hope I have managed to pass on at least some of what you once passed on to me. You taught me and gave me things that the most informed books on autism could not - acceptance and encouragement, perspective and understanding. I miss you all and wish you were still here.

Dear Ms. Delafield:

Please apologize to all the blacks and Mexicans you put in detention, suspended, or expelled over your years as assistant principal of Pasadena High School. You, among others, are the reason I am an anarchist politically.

Tim

Dear Parent,

I don't feel it as strongly now as when I was having a meltdown, but thinking about your actions makes me very disappointed and kind of sad.

I used to feel a lot more enmity toward you, but I still harbor a bit of resentment toward you even though you have changed.

What's silly about it is that you're different now and the problems already long gone, but I didn't get to say anything about it until now, and I didn't think to get any help until after the problem is over and all of the damage was done... and I got over it.

so now there's this weird feeling that I have already gotten over it, but at the same time I have these bad memories in my head that I barely remember, and no one knows about it, and they just assume that I'm fine and that I've always been, when really the opposite is true.

I don't know how someone can be in that much pain and no one notices, but I guess I want to really big lengths so that no one would worry about me. I can't believe I kept staying in the same sh***y situation, and crying about it and letting them torment me when I could've gotten help or talked to somebody, but I thought that everything you had to do on your own.

that was a really stupid thought. I had just talk to somebody or gotten help from somebody I wouldn't have had to go through any of that.

THAT.

I use the big, amorphous word 'that' because it refers to a collection of incidences that I don't really remember well that occured over a number of years.

sometimes these bad memories come into my head when I'm having a meltdown, but other than that I don't think about it and it doesn't bother me. I used to remember them in other circumstances then having a meltdown but that stopped happening A couple of months ago.

i'm not sure if I can really do anything now. but I really don't appreciate it.

I really, really don't appreciate what you did or how you acted, and I think it was scornful and inconsiderate of you to act that way.

^^
Phrasing it this way is a big understatement.

I still can't get my head round why you were so weird with me. Why couldn't we just be friends?

Dear you

I guess this is it, we are done. It's a shame that your mind is so closed off, being vindictive tends to do that to a person.

Much love to the person you used to be, x

?למה את הלכת ממני כשהייתי צריך אותך

ולמה אני מדבר בעברית רע

Dear Parent,
Thanks for choosing to leave me alone.
It's nice to have you off my back.
I can finally relax.

It's like I've been having a fight with someone for the past five years, and the tension's finally eased.
It's a soothing feeling.

It's funny how you can act like a horrible monster/tyrant, but in your "off time" you're the sweetest person on earth. How the hell does that work?

I just don't understand.

I think you're awesome, and you're incredibly supportive, but you're also the cause of half of my problems.

How does that even work?

Dear school,

Big dreams are for me, but they aren't for you. Afraid of losing another follower, now are you? You've held me back and made me feel worthless! I will continue to fight you, I'm not another victim. I won't fail, I can't fail.

DEAR DAD

MAX f*****g VOLUME IN YOUR EAR b***h, JUST LIKE YOUR f*****g MOTHER WHO BEAT ME UP AS CHILD

YOU WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE YOU HATE YOUR FAMILY, I WANTED TO BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY

f**k YOU

I DON"T HAVE A FAMILY

YOUR A PIECE OF s**t FATHER

I WOULDN"T ALLOW ANY OF MY CHILDREN TO BE HOMELESS

I WOULD NEVER TELL MY CHILDREN I HATE THEM

I WOULD NEVER HOLD AUTISM AGAINST ANY OF MY CHILDREN

I AM PIECE OF s**t AND I WEAR IT PROUDLY BUT YOUR A PIECE OF s**t AND YOU HIDE BY SELF RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANITY

PREACHING ABOUT THE GOOD YOU DO AND YOU GO HOME AND MAKE YOUR FAMILY FEEL LIKE s**t

YOU ARE NOT IN ANYONE'S BEST INTEREST BUT YOUR OWN

Dear Parent,
I’m used to listening to people vent. Go on and vent, I do not mind.

I’m not gonna say anything to that, and I’m also not gonna let you try and turn me against my dad. Maybe you hold a grudge against him, but I don't.

I’m also not going to contribute to your arguments.

Dear Ma'am,

If your wish that you would go back in time, and 'fix' those wasted 2 years, I PROMISE you, no one wouldn't like it.


If that 'wasted' years didn't happened, I would've remained a depressed sociophobic anxious wreck all for the sake of your so-called 'success'.

Lol, sure, 'successful' alright. Except I would've hated you all and myself, and killed myself for being sick of living up with everyone's expectations.

So DO NOT blame my incompetence on those 'wasted' years. Those wasted years is much more worthy than my happiest of all my fulfilments. Suree, I became all-needy like some spoiled child just because 'Hey! I got a diagnosis! So move it!' Except, your assumptions are dead wrong.


Despite your knowledge about me and our bond... In the end, you're still just another NT who doesn't need or truly want to know what I've been through.

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