Rants

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^^^i'm glad I was able to entertain you

I wasn't sure if I ought to post this in the work-related section, but it likely feels more like a rant.

I had a good job in publishing. I had moved to the city and worked at a literary agency for a year. It was a dream. I've had a hard time. A really hard time. Such to the point that the notion of having the experiences I do under my belt, despite time and again being proven wrong to my delight and relief, seems like a far off notion just due to the circumstances.

I live with my boyfriend and two other gentlemen in New York City and they all work at a bookstore. A big well-known bookstore. About a week ago I got a job at said bookstore after having been unemployed for a month. That's the longest I've been unemployed since I was roughly twelve. I've held work since that age and have had to support myself from an early age--homelessness, drug abuse, being bad to myself. Name it.

I pisses me the f**k off in such profound ways I don't understand that at this place of employment, primarily populated by mid to late twenty somethings, how vapid problems I hear all day seem. Most of these folks went to school, and then this job. Parents, inexperience, whathave. Can't be mad at them, everyone starts out. Just more of an us and them sort of feeling. That bothers me. I can know something logically and be able to acknowledge it as truth and my head will feel another way. An irrational way. Emotional, in a word. Can't help that I suppose. Human and all that.

The thing that drove me over today was, firstly, how slow it was. Which enabled, secondly, my head to wander and observe and consider. And I realized that one thing. Familiar. This f*****g place is high school done over. f**k.

Most of my friends are between the ages of 50 and 78. I am presently 24. I've always felt more at ease with people (older homosexual, mentor-esque gents, specifically) of a certain age and have had to act as an adult since before I was 10. Not to mention the severe emphasis on being normal enforced on my by my scary, pedophilic mother on the occasions I was allowed to go back home. Socialization training, therapy; this absurd idea of what's normal, how I'm not normal, how Im lesser than and inferior because I am an autistic. This idea of normal and the drive to conduct myself as such being synonymous with success and adult and part of the human race in essence drives so many of my unconscious thoughts that during these slow times my mind will wander. It is disappointing in a really deep way that the rigid standards I have always been held to, and have as a result held myself to, seem all for naught in a sea of prolonged adolescence and a hotbed of superficial angst. These... children.. so. Base.

I noticed something. These kids, these adults, these people do not conduct as--normal. Mind blowing. I know better. I should know better. I've been in retail a little under a decade. I do know better. But I just feel this righteous indignation. I feel prepared and ready, and no one else studied. The machine needs to move as a team. Things aren't getting done. Why are you so slow? Why are you so lazy? You are a manager. You only have this job as a form of workplace nepotism. I've never in my life seen such apathy or blithe disregard for customer service to THE FACE of living HUMANS!

On top of that--talk about the tortured intellectual archetype. It's like the bulk of the workforce is spiky haired and glaring and individualistic and so learned and worldly. Affectation city!

I know people have lives and problems that I know nothing about. Benefit of the doubt. I do not know. They are people.

But cripes! How can an entire BUILDING seemingly bear the same affectation and problem-set that engenders such non-response and competitive intellectual masturbation/pissing races? Were all real smart. What's to prove? Why not just be? I don't want to compete with you, we are work buds. I know we are not friends, but we are friendly and share jokes and giggles and knowledge. Oh... you're not talking to me now... I don't understand. I really do not understand, and you are not speaking and are being indirect. I can't ask you questions because you do that thing where you're fake smiling and I can tell and the air seems to shift like you're trying to get away. What did I do? Why will none of you tell me? You're all so conditional.

I can do the work. Quiet. Sometimes poop customers, but customers are my deal. Retail little under a decade. Most are great and appreciative. Appreciative doesn't matter, but it feels nice.

Just feeling terrible after 9 hours. Quotation marks--drama--exists. Makes things awkward. Feeling that in a room weighs me down and I cant move. Need to work.

Need to work. Why is the supervisor lazy and mean to customers? How are you employed? Why so many contradictory instructions? Why are none of you prepared? This is a job! I feel lucky just to have one. I've been homeless and hungry and sad and blue and hurt. I have warm and food and the internet. I'm happy enough.

Just feel terrible. Please just be nice to me. Hell, dont even be nice. Just stop being mean like I've done something wrong. I've been here two weeks, we barely notice each other. Stop being so angry like you know me enough to recognize I've done something wrong. Im nice to all of you without expectation, it is just a people-duty. Just not used to mean as a response to nice. Or direct. So many umms and ughs and not many substantive words.

Sigh. Rant, see?

Just breathe, imbibe some green, choke down some food, try to sleep and proceed tomorrow with an open mind and high hopes.

I've been trying to stand up for myself and think about what I actually want instead of tying to please people all the time. So far, I've have limited success. Hopefully I can keep trying and eventually succeed.

A late rant "letter" from me to... Somethingsomething.

Dear 'Fate',

Please stick with this "Witness of Truth" gig on me, not a "Witness of Death and Accidents".
I have 3 reasons why I insist jaywalking all over the place: 1. It's how I stim. 2. It's better that than sitting all day. And 3. I really enjoy it, as it makes me feel free. I've been doing this since High School, and witnessed no tragedy for all those years.
Before witnessing a stranger's death, I'm sure I was just a careless pedestrian who got hit by a passing over motorcycle on a wrong lane just that one time... Nothing bad of course, just some scratches, some sore spots and it's fine with me...
Then first warning is a bit bloody and loud, of course considering it's my 1st time witnessing a stranger's death first hand. 2nd and 3rd could have been worse but I thank all those slow tricycle drivers. But 4th in less than a month after and with all those events, family related... Not a good timing. Not funny. Seriously. I wonder if my mom even knew that was the 4th road accident I witnessed first hand on that very night we followed my sister on a way to the hospital morgue.

So, 'Fate', I'm not sure if I have to include this, but I confess that I've been so calm that it's freaking me out. While it's true I would like to get used to certain things that makes a typical person panic, but why is this?


From a ranting child, ranting in some imaginary friend who been dealing with for nearly 13 years.

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When your own psychologist mocks you for explaining the problems that autism brings you... If he were in my shoes I'd give him two months before he'd go insane. He'd last a little longer than average because he's cold and heartless.

f**k cherry picking doctors who only take on healthy patients and refuse everyone else. Those are the people I would be glad to turn on the news and hear that they died in a brutal car crash.

To myself
Suck it up!

To myself
You stupid ass b***h moron f**k you

^^^

^ I cursed me to cheer him up.....

to cheer who up?

I don't know.

mebbe your inner male?

My job has been completely f#cked thanks to kaizan worship. It has gone from somewhat okay to cramped, noisy, and unbearable. I have been overwhelmed and on the verge of crying all day. I feel betrayed/trapped and I hate it.

I deny of desiring certain things not because I cannot have it, because I HAD it and it's NOT what I thought it was.

Do you goddamned understand? I'm not some close minded idiot, judging things I never had or tried.


So early in the morning, and someone already saying things.

Or maybe because I didn't slept whole night, and end up easily losing my patience over things..

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