Rants

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I get so tired of how people judge me and then treat me based on how they perceive me when they don't even know me that well. Even when I'm in a good mood and feeling confident, for some reason, people feel like they have to pity me and target me. It wouldn't bother me so much if it just happened once in a while, but it seems to happen all the time. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I get sick of it.

This allergy, if that's what I called instead of idiopathic that is, is MORE of a disability than being an aspie.

People? I can outright ignore them.
The environment? I can always leave. I can always desensitize. I can always take it and make it an addiction even.
Items? I get what I want.
Routines and such? I can easily attain it. I can get rid of it too.
Inappropriateness? It's either acting, apathy, or learning.

But sudden reaction, that JUST happens for NO REASON, then it lasted hours or DAYS. AHAHAHA NO..! I can't 'go away' from it. I can't ignore it. I can't have it desensitized. I can't HIDE it. And I could barely breathe with it. Worse? It's INVOLUNTARY. It gives my position away. It's inappropriate to begin with. It bothers people. It bothers ME. It never helps me with ANYTHING. It makes this crap of a short term memory worse. I cannot sleep it out. I cannot walk long with it for possible accidents. I CANNOT focus and it BREAKS my trance. I easily make mistakes. I lose patience whether I do something or NOT. And it's giving me a literal headache.

Why.. For ALL things I inherited, WHY I've been unfortunate enough to inherit this from my maternal side?
Sure, I'm "lucky" enough not to have asthma or vertigo. And no, even if I were born NT, I wil suffer with this crap of a curse that I cannot find meds against it.

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Coping skills failing,

Music at max volume not drowning out the pain,

Cutting commencing,

parked the car on the back drive, so these big, too big for the road tractors wouldn't damage it, oh well, the cows handled that, wreck the drive and the car....jippy??

I AM NOT A TRANSGENDER ADVOCATE ! !! STOP ASSUMING I AM, EVERYONE !
I am under NO obligation to talk to you about transgender issues by being trans ! !!
I'm sick of people thinking that just because I am trans, I am interested in furthering the political position of transgender rights by lobbying politicians (as if this helps anyway) being open with my own transition and the intimate nature of my body both at birth, through every stage, and now, in order to educate as many people as possible. I am not interested in going on television, "educating" anyone by using myself as an example with my "story" or "journey" or any other BS phrase that makes me sound special. Because I am not special. I am not amazing, or brave, or subversive, or any of that. I am just trans. It just is what it is, and I get on with it.
It is a very private thing. I am not interested in every transgender topic ever voiced by anyone just because I'm trans. I don't care about every trans story out there just because I am trans. Whatever any other transsexual "went through" bears absolutely no relevance to my own experience, because we are not all exactly the same!
I really wish everyone would just back the f*ck off me with this and leave being trans OUT of it !

Can't sleep more than three hours at a time. Can't focus or shut down my head. Hate when I get like this.

It would be great if I could read people better, I don't know who to believe, I think you are all as flawed as each other, its just a matter of degree.

###@@@@###
another who insists wrong is right, why is wrong always right?!
its an adversity to know something. everybody else is more right always anyway, what does that mean ?
that you once happened to understand these things must be punishable for as long as you live?
its the cubic metre now but it just goes for everything, again the seller says it's weight, NO its volume, oh that's above the head, volume is liters its not weight, oh yeah only idiots get jobs, only idiots are in charge, everywhere!
and as the nb's are on a mean aggressive streak this week, what's up with them? empowered by what now?
humanly this is limbo, people thrive on vengeance and mischieve, when you give something they are certain your robbing them of something

The past has a habit of creeping up when u least expect it to.

Still haven't got used to my new haircut. It was done yesterday and before my hair was really long. Now, its pretty short, but still long so it covers my ears. I can probably get used to it in a few days but still, I hope my hair grows back though

Oh, and I get my exam results tomorrow. Its been in my head mostly all day and I am trying not to stress out and worry about it. Need to keep calm and not let these damn things affect me

Another sleepless night. I'm so delayed. It's super hot all the tim, it's been for weeks. I've been lacking sleep for years, usually catch it up. Here it's starting to get really long, 3 months my average night sleep is about 4/5 hours, but the sleepness nights breaks it all. I don't have much to do (holidays and solving s**t stuff), that doesn't help to have no schedule, although I don't know how I could do anything, I'm feeling dizzy just walking across the living room. Chronic neck/shoulder pain is rather tough these days. I move and go out, occupy myself, still, I can't sleep and getting exhausted. I wish I could verbalize things, externalize. I would only have to deal with the heat. So of course I'm grumpy, and get emotional over nothing, have no energy to do solve things, organize them. And that new apartment is cool, however it's super noisy. I feel like I'll go insane.

I can't let go of my hatred, I feel like it's the only thing keeping me from being ripped to shreds. I'm starting to wonder if it'll stay this way from now on.

I am tired of everyone treating me like crap. I'm so sick of it! I want to drive my car off a cliff no I don't have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

Why do TV channels not show the credits properly anymore? I liked unwinding after a film with the music; it provides a nice buffer in between programs. Also, why fast-forward the credits? We have no time to see the freaking names! You might as well not show them! And what's with all the ads popping up all over the TV screen while a movie's on? I HATE TV!! ! I'm going back to reading books and listening to the radio. (Except tonight; watching Willy Wonka, in honour of the late Gene Wilder... That's another thing. What's with 2016 and the death of all the most awesome people ever??? Not happy).

I loved Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, esp the oompa loompa song

ARGRGARGRGAGRGARGARYAGRFUJASGFRFGUACFHEDFILEZDBVjl

Why does my dad always hang up on me? I had a valid question, I am not slow, why does he think I am slow!! !! !! !! !

Autism does not mean I am stupid but I might be reading too much into things, my dad things everyone but him is an idiot plus that might not be the reason but he makes the dumbest most inconsiderate comments on the planet. Such as saying I am not responsible for my actions to other people because of autism...

Wow...

My dad has no idea how it feels to be autistic and no one has ever EVER EVER cut me slack for being autistic. I swear my dad is a complete idiot... but I love him.