Rants

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raleigh, of those meds, it's likely the dexamethasone that caused you to lose control of your emotions. the drug is reducing swelling of your tumor, though, and you might lose other functions without it. sorry, it seems that you are in a really tough situation. also could be the levetiracetam, though. there are other anticonvulsants that don't have the side effect of hostility.

Why am I crying?
I don't cry.
I can't cry.
I'm a strong person.

So why do I do it now?
I never cry.
I never feel sad. It never lasts.

...So why does it do that now?

Why am I crying?
I don't cry.
I can't cry.
I'm a strong person.

So why do I do it now?
I never cry.
I never feel sad. The sadness never lasts.

So why does it do that now?

....I don't think this is good.

I bawled hardcore at my doctor today,

I went off with every aspect of the spectrum of my emotions. I raged and I cursed, I cried and I grieved, I laid out where it hurts and why it hurts. I was certain they were going to lock me up but they let me go. Is it possible they will help me now?

I can't do this.

Well done for going , and for sharing your emotions. It probably felt insane/embarrassing to you (it did to me the one time I actually told a psych the truth of how I felt), but hopefully they will offer you some help as a result. Glad they didn't lock you up at least, that's always my no.1 fear in doctors' situations.

I don't know.

i sure hope so. keep us posted.

So tired of doomsaying doctors and frigid hospitals and waiting rooms and clinics and overly cheerful staff and intrusive support people and pushy social workers and popping drugs and coordinating my appointments and going to the clinic every day and the boring magazines and brain-dead TV and the freaking funeral ads they show!!

f*****g want to screeeaaaammmm!!

Raleigh, PM, now

I'm no longer hoping to be healed.
I give it up.
The universe can have it.
I put it in the vast rubbish bin of the eternal void.

I should maybe wait until I feel stable before reading emails from some of my family members. It's too difficult to decide what I need to clarify and what it's okay to let them misunderstand. There's often a lot to sort, and then I also get irritated when they offer inane opinions based on their misunderstandings. I definitely don't need to reply to that part, but I may feel like I need to clarify their understanding and it's hard to respond to the one part without responding to the other.

One guy just replied to messages from a month ago, and in the meantime everything has changed. I'll just archive them.

I just want you to stay together.
I just want us to be a family.
If I just live with there'll be no one to protect me.

I don't know what to do, I'm scared...
Why won't the yelling stop? I'm scared to come out of my room..

I'm scared to talking. I'm scared to do anything. I've been so scared for a long time that I can't do anything.

I don't wanna come out of my room right now. I wish I could leave but there's nowhere to go to. I tried calling my dad, but he wouldn't pick up.

What do I do?
Oh my god... s**t, I'm scared...

I just wanna have a normal day, why can't that happen...

I just want to feel safe...
I just want to be happy...

Why?

s**t. Help me. It feels like the world is ending.

Well that couldn't have gone any worse. How is it when you know you're not in the wrong, when you know something's not your fault, you can still feel like the worst person on the planet?

If this is some kind of juncture or climax then at least things will get better over time. I have certainly learned my lesson, to follow my instincts and keep myself separate from people. They're not toys, Rachel, and they're not the same as you either; you need to stay away. To think I had a good day yesterday, too; this always happens. f**k!

f**k my poor understanding of emotions, f**k my social communication, f**k whatever it was that made me want to try the things that normal people enjoy. I should be happy being me, I always was, and now I've seen myself through someone else's eyes I'm starting to understand what it feels like to have low self esteem. I'm going to have to build myself up from this one. Damn.

I envy you simply for being able to try those “things that normal people enjoy”. And also for still having more than a decade to make progress through life before you’re as old as I’m now. You wouldn’t be able to waste it as thoroughly as I did even if you wanted to

It's 2016, how do I still have to deal with stupid offensive racist comments just because I am the only or one of the two or three black kids in class?
This is a problem that I have to deal with every school year

I don't even do anything to deserve these comments, as if just having a darker skin than the rest of class makes it okay to make these comments.
Don't get me wrong, I love my skin colour and I'm proud of it but I don't act like the type of people that everyone assumes is what black people act like, I have my own personality. Or getting involved whenever a black person is mentioned, it's so annoying!
Thankfully it's always just one kid from the class who keeps making those jokes but I just hate it and everyone always assumes that I can take these jokes and that I think that they're hilarious but they're not, I shouldn't even call them jokes because they are not funny at all.

I don't know what to do about it either, right now I have told this kid various times that I don't like his remarks and now he keeps telling it like this: "Hey N-word, oops sorry I was supposed to stop with that because you don't like my jokes"
Saying it like that doesn't make you stop because you still make those offensive remarks!

I hope I discover a way to make this stop because it's really annoying!
If you want to make fun of me, make fun of my personality, there's so much possible joke material about my personality rather than the offensive remarks and untruthful "jokes" based on my appearance.

There's not much to envy, I failed pretty hard ! Oh well, it's all a learning process... what I have learned is to never try again ! - and I'm sure your life so far hasn't been wasted! It's all a matter of perspective