Rants

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I really know nobody who actually thinks the Earth is flat.

These "flat-earthers," somehow, might just want to create controversy.

I am suicidal,

I guess the most I can expect in terms of happiness is just barely hanging on. I just ignore such thoughts cause that is all there is left to do. Acting on it is stupid but should I have to accept a life of being so miserable? I know everyone hates me or at least they do in real life, people on wp, hard to say but does anyone here really know me? I don't even feel I know me, in fact I am never amazed anymore by some of the dumb s**t I do. I've never done anything right and the fact that I am on disability proves that I am a failure. I went to school and work and did all the above and I couldn't do it, I failed at it. Simplist task ever of just looking out after ones best interest and I couldn't do it. I couldn't function, I still can't function. I am disabled and I am worthless, I basically get a check for being a dumbass that couldn't make it.

I hate my life so much, I lose nothing from death and other people would actually gain from it? What kind of s**t life is that?

^ Even if you think you're worthless, you're still valuable to me.
At least you have a life with the potential for improvement.
You should treasure it.

I wonder if I am fighting a losing war cause I feel like I am, can someone really conqueror suicidal thoughts by just telling yourself to chill and not doing anything? Cause that is about the only reason I haven't hurt myself tonight.

I feel like

And I am thinking

Maybe I just need to sleep, I have been suicidal all day though. I don't know, I guess these thoughts come and go with me so I guess I'll just ignore it but damn, its getting very hard to think about anything without thinking about death and suicide.

I am going to get high,

I don't really care if that is socially acceptable or not, because I would rather be suicidal and just order a pizza and cry to Netflix then be suicidal and actually try to kill myself. I am still suicidal on drugs but it makes me care less, why go digging for my knife when I just watch some Netflix.

I am hurt and I have been hurting for the last few days

These feels are horrible, even on drugs its horrible, why am I so suicidal?

I guess its the way my communication went at my doctors office mixed with some s**t here.

I want to die

I can relate. I actually just came into this thread to post a similar rant. On the upside, after I blow a doob, I rarely feel inclined to off myself. On the downside, I find it difficult to do the exact things I need to do to improve my life.

For me, it comes down to bargaining, and I know that is considered a sign of addiction. If I have made some progress, for example if I have overcome a huge aversion and finished a task, then I might reward myself by vegging out that evening.

All the same, there was a decade where I smoked only about once a year, and I had the same problems to a lesser extent. I just enjoyed vegging out and doing nothing a lot less, and stayed angry a lot of the time. The abstention kind of started with my psychologist saying that I was self-medicating. At the time, I replied, "Gee, doc, when you say it, it sounds like a bad thing," but the words sank in. Comparing that period with this one, I feel like weed opens my mind to a wider range of possibilities. I get over-ambitious or under-ambitious when I'm high.

Really, the worst part is when I smoke out and then feel motivated to accomplish something that I can't do well because of being high.

Well I don't consider myself addicted cause its the same either way and I can quit when I want. You can't be addicted if you have the power to stop. However, I don't to stop because it maybe the only way I can stay alive for everyone else. Luckily I have smoked the last decade to oblivion so my tolerance is so high, I can't really be too high to accomplish anything but I can get too high to not care to. I did stop for a year and it was unbearable, I don't think pot effects my behavior but it does make me chill enough to not care. I can express that I am suicidal without doing it.

All pot does is make me less likely to act on thoughts of self harm but it does nothing to remove the desire too. I can't tell if a little self harm is okay or being a little high is okay? Some times I wonder if I should take an ungodly amount of THC and just finish it. Hell it would probably feel pretty good at that point. Then when I do just that and I never want to off myself.

A bit of strong language

Lonely.

Me too.

((hugs))

Thank you. Hugs make me happy.

I don't always hate being depressed; a lot of the time I think it suits me, like you can't be observant and happy at the same time, like there's a sort of obliviousness required for happiness that I've never understood, because I see the logical bad at the heart of things and I can't enjoy the fleeting good... Wow, that didn't make much sense. But anyway, on days like today I do hate being depressed because it doesn't make any bloody sense. I had a normal day, quite a good one actually for me, and all the while I had this obtrusive sadness that I couldn't shake. It just escalates sometimes, the vague unhappiness and disconnection I usually feel becomes an undeniable fragility. I don't know why I want to cry, I don't know why I'm so sad. I feel like some great tragedy has just befallen me, but there's nothing of the sort to pin it on, it's just baseless awful emotion. I know I'll end up crying myself to sleep, god help me if I still feel this bad in the morning. I've spent every moment to myself today wide-eyed and softly rocking.

Basically this:

And in the end I couldn't get any more tears out, so I had to watch somebody else crying for some emotions-by-proxy. I am just fantastically broken. I don't want to be the sort of girl that posts sad tumblr gifs, but if it wasn't for this scene tonight I wouldn't have been able to get any release from this depression. Too intense, man, too intense