Rants

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I am still very suicidal, wanted to hang myself a few hours ago and the only reason I didn't try is because its my moms birthday. I wish I could take myself out without hurting others. Sometimes I wonder if I could take myself out with drugs and get ruled as a accidental death because of pass addictions. Would a bunch of drugs in an ex drug addict really look all that strange from an investigation stand point.

Ugh... I have clearly thought about killing myself too much.

(I mean hard drugs in this context, I guess I am still a drug addict when you think about it )

I am being such an ass right now. I hope I don't come across as an indifferent lazy ass. I try so hard not to be.
Why is there so much shame put on people who don't try? I try so hard, it just looks like I'm not doing anything.

Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling all day isn't gonna solve anything. But I don't have a reason to get up.

I don't always hate being depressed; a lot of the time I think it suits me, like you can't be observant and happy at the same time, like there's a sort of obliviousness required for happiness that I've never understood, because I see the logical bad at the heart of things and I can't enjoy the fleeting good... Wow, that didn't make much sense. But anyway, on days like today I do hate being depressed because it doesn't make any bloody sense. I had a normal day, quite a good one actually for me, and all the while I had this obtrusive sadness that I couldn't shake. It just escalates sometimes, the vague unhappiness and disconnection I usually feel becomes an undeniable fragility. I don't know why I want to cry, I don't know why I'm so sad. I feel like some great tragedy has just befallen me, but there's nothing of the sort to pin it on, it's just baseless awful emotion. I know I'll end up crying myself to sleep, god help me if I still feel this bad in the morning. I've spent every moment to myself today wide-eyed and softly rocking.

It disturbs me greatly to see how either people in the media or persons in general tend to adopt the notion that all autistic individuals must be nothing more than gun-totting sociopaths all due to the fact, autistic persons have difficulty expressing empathy. Whereas, with a sociopath there is no empathy whatsoever.I remember when I was in school and how I was labeled as socio/psychopathic. In fact, Someone had made the bold remark that I would wound up becoming the next Jeffrey Dahmer . Honestly, I had seen myself more of a law abiding person since, I had been bullied and did not want others to endure that crap.

Depression drains you of all energy and motivation. I end lying in bed all day. When I do get out, despite having 12+ hours of sleep, I still feel tired all the time. Combine that feeling with hopeless loneliness, and you have a recipe for disaster.

The ONE thing I felt I truly had going for me, the one thing to keep me happy and look forwards to, was a complete lie.

I care about my health and fitness, I care about trying to eat healthy and lift weights to gain muscle and do cardio exercise.

I thought if I end up the rest of my life alone at least I can dedicate myself to my music, which I haven't actually worked on in several months, and dedicate myself to improving my health and fitness.

My diet is spot-on, but my actual training and exercise was all WRONG.

I have gained some muscle, but I should have known by now my minimal/non-existant progress in the last 9-10 months since about January was a sign something was wrong.

It turns out my strength level is still that of a beginner and I'll have to start completely from scracth.

Almost two f*cking years of 'hard work' and 'dedication' and it means nothing.

Oh sure, I've made some progress and I'm fitter than I've ever been but it's all for nothing.

I have extremely low self-esteem.

Self esteem does not come purely from within, I think deep down we all also require external validation from others to feel better about ourselves, polite compliments from family do not count.

If I had just had a loving and caring girlfriend who likes my body just for what it is then perhaps I wouldn't be putting so much damn pressure on myself.

How am I supposed to feel happy when I have very little to feel happy for?

I have made no major nor minor achievements in any possible way.

I thought I was at least well on my way to a healthier and fitter body and lifestyle but even that I completely f*cked up. I've almost given up on working on my music because I have terrible musician's block/no creativity and my damn F*cking speakers have to have stupid white noise and crackling and popping sounds. They are not broken, I have looked up online solutions to this problem but can't find it. I use to volunteer but don't anymore and there is NOWHere DECENT here to volunteer. I have tried looking. None of the places have got back to me or the actual store i do not like/dont like the environment (e.g. this one clothes store that accepts volunteers has about 50 people, thats too much for me).

I have nothing.

I can start my eating healthy and exercising fresh, start from scratch but I'll really have to make-up for lost time.

Otherwise all I have is wasting my damn time all day almost 24/7 on wrongplanet, chatting to the very few friends I do have in my life on facebook, and video games.

But anyway one of the few things I had to look forward to is now gone.

I thought i was doing everything right diet and training wise but turns out I've been doing everything very very wrong. I am not exactly overweight or starved myself till I was underweight or anything, but my body is completely average in size and shape and the amount of weight I can lift in all muscle groups are no different than people my age could achieve in 3 months or even when they only JUST start.

I kept telling myself 'the gains will come' 'stop stressing, you're doing fine' 'just keep working hard and dedicating yourself, the gains will come, you'll make progress soon enough'.

F#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CKF#CK!! !! !

I have since fallen into an even deeper depression, because all that exercise, all that time and money was practically wasted

I should have been about 10x fitter and stronger than I am now if I had just done things right in the beginning in the first place.

^Man that sucks. I've heard that a fair bit from different workout-based Youtubers "I made all these mistakes for years" and so on, so don't feel too bad about yourself.

Do you mind explaining what you believe you were doing wrong and how you should have been doing things? I'm not happy with my strength progress after a year, but I tend not to eat too well and sleep at bogus hours.

It's a long story. I may as well C+P the post I made on bodybuilding.com asking for feedback, with some edits by removing some unneccessary details.

"New Routine: Should I do a beginner routine?

Yeah, I haven’t exactly done things the best, I know that. I didn’t research things well enough, but anyway I’m just happy with the noob gains and tiny extra on top of that I’ve got, I’m much better off than I used to be, diets all in check, I have good form on every workout. So where do I go from here?

Background:

Began Jan 2015.

Diet was fine but not enough calories, too much cardio and the ‘weights’ was lifting weren’t enough to gain muscle. Eating too little. Lost lots of weight in 3 months.

Began dirty bulk and got actual weights. Noob gains came, then June 2015 decided to cut.

August 2015 to May 2016, clean bulked. Ate much better, in a calorie surplus but healthy foods. Better routine, though still casual. Routine still wasn’t the best, but balanced. Each body part once every 2 weeks, so chest, back and abs one week, legs shoulders, biceps and triceps the next, etc. Was always switching things around, too, but still trained each muscle. About 3-4 days a week. Best gains during this time.

Plateaued may 2016, went on cut.

Been ‘lean bulking’ since August but minimal gains. Thinking I should fix my routine, and up calories, but there’s so much conflicting information and I have no idea where to start...

Goal: Overall increased health and fitness. Fitter in variety of physical tasks including higher functional strength, parkour/climbing, swimming, cycling, etc.

Current stats: 5’9”, 171lbs (78kg), about 12-14% BF.

Goal: 187lbs, 10%BF.

Is this routine ok?

Since about May, my lifts have been stuck at:

1. Hammer Curls: 22lbs (Max 1 rep 26)
2. Bench press: 77lbs (max 1 rep 88)
3. Alternating deltoid raise: 11lbs (max 13)
4. Tricep extensions: 22lbs (Max 26)
5. Bent over barbell row and One arm dumbbell rows: 33lbs (max 44)
6. Squat/Deadlift (one of the only things that’s actually gone up): 99lbs

I feel like my lifts are ridiculously low. I’m trying to improve form and go up in the weights but I physically can’t at all. Max 1 rep is as high as I can go without having to use my other body parts for 'assistance' (cheat reps).

Am I still classed as a 'beginner'?

Pics if they're really necessary:

http://i.imgur.com/ojsNtbC.png
http://i.imgur.com/x3gR28d.png
http://i.imgur.com/LYZPbYl.png
http://i.imgur.com/NHpUeoX.png

Am NOT going to cut anymore like I have been. Permanent bulk until I'm at least 198lbs."

I've been told my lifts are beginner, and I should start a beginner program.

I'm no expert on fitness, I'm afraid. Spent 20 of my 21 years being a couch potato.

You've listed your routine, but haven't really given your set/rep range, or made a comment on your intensity for that matter.

I did give those details, I just ommited them in the WP post.

Routine was basically:

Sun: Rest

Mon: Chest 10 sets of 5 reps, 5 minutes HIIT cardio.

Tue: Rest

Wed: Back, 10x5, 5 mins cardio.

Thu: Rest

Fri: Rest

Sat: 'Functional training'/mixed: Anywhere from moderate to high intensity jogging, swimming, cycling, running, climbing, parkour, bodyweight exercises, etc. Basically, I pretty much go to the beach with family every saturday and take full advantage of the opportunity for 'natural' exercise or doing bodyweight exercises on the public benches. Muscles usually worked on this day were shoulders, biceps, chest, abs, legs, back.

Sun: Rest

Mon: Shoulders/Biceps/Triceps, 3x10, 3x10, 3x10, 5 mins cardio.

Tue: Rest

Wed: Legs, 10x5

Thu: Abs, 3x10, cardio

Fri: Rest

Sat: Functional Exercise/Mixed

Rinse and repeat...

Maybe this would make a decent Intermediate routine, but I'm at 'beginner' level so I have to start all over again.

Intensity? Well, I was always using highest weights I could possibly do the amount of reps for.

Thing about diet is I don't calculate calories, but I do estimate. I eat almost the exact same foods daily so I have a rough idea of my maintenance calories or the amount I eat that keeps me the same weight. So if I'm not gaining muscle I just eat a tiny bit more than that, wait 2-4 weeks, if I'm not gaining any weight, again, add a tiny bit more and see where things go from there. When trying to lose weight, the exact opposite.

I can lose weight just fine, at a steady pace and maintain my muscle.

If that's all the wrong stuff to be doing, do you have a plan on how to get it right?

I'm used to seeing any serious exercise as a luxury.

At least I have the benefit of having a completely average body instead of my former slightly overweight, 0 muscle one.

Well, I'm slightly overweight now anyway, but most of my body fat's been replaced with muscle so that counts for something.

Now that I think about it, I'm actually happy my body at least looks a bit better.

It's just I really want to reach my potential peak regarding health and fitness, and there's only a small window of opportunity there as the average person peaks about age 25-28. I've got 7 years (gonna be 18 soon).

I really want to see what I'm capable of.