Dear me,
I know it's hard to stay focused when you believe that no one loves you. Then, believing that disaster is around the corner. You don't know how to do the things that are, like jobs or money, in general. You feel like you want perfection, beauty, power, love and don't see it in the way people do things.
I hope that you believe there is a real person, a real God, a true way though you are hurt and want to cuss the world out. Your problem is "How to love?" when the world is looking at chaos.
Try. Do your best. Don't give up unless it's giving up bad to truly see good.
Try to love. Be patient. I know that part kills you, the evil that haunts you when you're not feeling well.
-me